Food

If You Don’t Like Candy Corn You’re A Dumb Idiot

Happy frickin’ National Candy Corn Day.

In recent years, it’s become “cool” and “popular” to say that candy corn is bad.

Some of this nonsense has even been perpetrated by this very website: here, here, and here. People call it “waxy” and “garish.” They say it’s “not real food.” The former complaints are more simply matters of (bad, wrong) taste; the latter is nonsensical snobbery. It is real food. I know that because I’ve eaten probably three bags of it this month — plus one smaller bag of the candy corn’s elegant older sister, the pumpkin mellowcreme — and I am still alive today, typing my feelings about candy corn.

“ACTUALLY, candy corn is disgusting.” —this guy

vetkit / Via Thinkstock

Candy corn is a very real food. A very real GREAT food.

If you don’t like candy corn, you’re a dumb idiot.

Here’s why.

1. Its design is an homage to actual corn on the cob, which is delightful.

Flickr: dave77459 / Creative Commons

Every meal side should have a candy version of itself, but only corn is chill enough to not be threatened by a sugary counterpart. Can you imagine a candy broccoli? Candy brussels sprouts? No. Too uptight.

According to this picture’s owner that is cookie dough in the middle. Which I can’t personally vouch for. But candy corn is about dreaming big.

2. Its ombré color scheme is both on trend and pleasing to the eye.

Flickr: pengrin / Creative Commons

Many candies are just a single color, or a variety of separate colors placed together in one bag. How many challenge themselves to present a range of colors within a single piece?

3. All parts of the candy corn are equal.

Though they are made of three distinct colors (and though some people insist otherwise), each of them tastes the same. This means that you can expect the same great candy corn taste from any part of the corn, even if it’s those little white tips you have left at the end of a bag. Candy corn is a candy you can rely on.

4. Candy corn is the platonic ideal of the welcome treat.

Flickr: juushika / Creative Commons

A welcome treat is something you put in a jar at your desk at work or in the entryway to your home. It says, “Hey there! Thanks for stopping by. Have a prize.” A welcome treat should be consumed in handfuls. It should never be chocolate. There is too much mess potential. It melts. You give a guest a handful of M&Ms and pretty soon all your furniture is smeared in chocolate. Candy corn is tidy. If it falls, it does so cleanly, without ceremony. It’s easy to grab. Best of all: It’s divisive. Remember the people who stop by. They’re on your side.

5. It’s willing to try new things.

Flickr: jeepersmedia / Creative Commons

One might argue that certain things are classic, and that certain things are already inherently seasonal, and do not therefore need an additional seasonal layer added on top, but, still: It is important to be open-minded to innovation.

6. It makes exciting cameos.

Flickr: jeepersmedia / Creative Commons

Candy Corn Oreos are good. Maybe one of the better Oreo cousins out there. Candy corn has a flavor, but not one that’s clear enough to translate fully into other products. So mostly this is a shortbread cookie with orange and yellow creme. And you know what? That’s great. Sure, I’ll have four. This year, Post cereals also came out with Limited Edition Candy Corn Pebbles. They didn’t smell very good, but they tasted like normal cereal. But in candy corn colors. They were fine. Not everything can be a hit.

7. Like life itself, it is alternately delicious and sickening. And then it is gone.

Flickr: juushika / Creative Commons

Part of what’s great about candy corn is its ephemerality. You must love it fiercely for the short time that it is here, because then it’s November, and the fall flavors bow out in favor of mint. So you stockpile it. The number of bags you believe will last you the month will last only half, because it’s so good, and because you keep sharing. Lots of people like candy corn but won’t buy it for themselves because they think it’s for kids. So they’ll come get it from you. It feels very rewarding to provide people with candy. I get why the Easter Bunny does it.

There will come a few moments during the month of October when you will want to give up. Candy corn has an interesting effect on even the strongest of stomachs. It’s sort of a… presence. It’s a way to remind you to be patient. Take things one candy corn at a time. Except for when you can’t help it.

There’s only one day left to buy candy corn (except for the half-price clearance bags).

Don’t let this last chance (until next year) pass you by. Candy corn is very good.

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