The DOs And DONTs Of Being A Costco Shopper

From someone who knows; the musings of a slightly disgruntled cashier.

DON'T: Leave Frozen Food in Random Places

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Listen, we've all been there. You think you want a 40-pack of steaks one minute, but as soon as you're nearing the front of the store, you panic. You've realized how many BBQs you will need to have to get rid of all the meat. But DON'T leave your bloody-ass package in the middle of the Veggie Straws. WHAT DID THE VEGGIE STRAWS EVER DO TO YOU?

DO: Walk the Extra Ten Feet and Hand it to a Cashier

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I know it's embarrassing, but tbh, it's not. Simply walk up to literally ANYONE who's wearing a name tag and hand them your cold item. They will be overwhelmingly happy to whisk it away for you. Just like that: out of your thoughts forever.

DON'T: Ask a Cashier to "Watch Your Cart"

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If there is one simple fact at Costco, it's that lines almost never stop forming. While I would be much obliged to make sure your milk and eggs remain safe whilst you do your business in the restroom, I have slightly bigger fish to fry ATM.

There's a woman screaming at me the she can't use her VISA gift card while her nine-year-old is taking up premium cart space, disabling me from packing it full of her economy sized box of chips. Your wagon of junk is not at the top of my priority list.

DO: Get Your Business Done Prior to Shopping

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Do not hesitate to do your bathroom-thing immediately upon entering the store. No one is judging you for waltzing in and getting it done, I promise. Wouldn't you rather browse the aisles of bulk with an empty bladder and an open mind, anyway??

DON'T: Stand Next to the Cashier During Your Transaction

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If I had a nickel for how many times someone has suddenly realized that they're on the wrong side of the register when the cash drawer springs open and $1500 is suddenly staring them in the face, I wouldn't have to work at Costco anymore.

If any of you can name for me another store where you stand directly next to the cashier and everyone's cool with it, then by all means hover away. Until then, please step around.

DO: Read That Pesky Little Sign That's Fastened on Every Register

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Obey the sign.

DON'T: Take Heavy Things out of Your Cart

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Need I remind you of the sign:

DO: Be Mindful of Barcodes

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Yes, I do appreciate you leaving that dog food in your cart. No, I cannot seem to find the barcode. Yes, I am getting increasingly angry trying to find it while you stand idly by doing nothing.

The effort we both saved by not lifting it out of the cart, dragging it across the register to only put it back in the cart was just negated by your lack of foresight. Good going.

DON'T: Knock the Executive Membership Until You Try the Executive Membership

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Listen, I know we keep asking you to upgrade. I know you don't want to pay extra money. But if you keep shopping here and throwing down major dolla bills every damn time, we will keep begging you to do it.

I saw someone get back a $300 check once.

Just don't shoot the messenger, please.

DO: Be Nice

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If someone's nice to me, I scan them a coupon. If they're on the phone and ignoring me, or doing something else obnoxious, I don't. Plain and simple.

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Moral of the story: don't be a dick, and everything will be great. Be a dick, and you'll probably go to Costco hell where you'll be eternally surrounded by the meat you haphazardly discarded.