Mirror, Mirror On The Wall: Who's The Thirstiest Of Them All?

#theRowlings2k15 document this year's Wizardry Awards as given out during an all-night Harry Potter Movie Marathon.

Categories: Most Thirsty Female, Most Thirsty Male, Best Non-Romantic Thirst

Someone trap these characters in a swirling ball of water quick because THE THIRST IS REAL.

First up: Most Thirsty Female

And the nominees are:

Ginny Weasley

Lavender Brown

Romilda Vane

Moaning Myrtle

Bellatrix Lestrange

Fangirls everywhere

Ginny Weasley

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When we see the thirst: More like when do we NOT see the thirst? (amIright?)

Ginny's thirst starts pretty much as soon as she meets Harry, but during the second movie HER THIRST IS SO REAL. Draco picks up on this thirst when Ginny so quickly defends Harry's honor in Flourish and Blotts while at Lockhart's book signing. Don't act so embarrassed, Ginny, it's clear to literally everyone that you're in love with him. As real as her thirst gets, it is eventually quenched. *cut to one of the awkward kissing scenes between Ginny and Harry* Also it should be noted that movie Ginny's lack of real acting may undermine the thirst anyone who has read the books knows should be there.

Lavender Brown

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When we see the thirst: the 6th movie

The thirst is strong with this one. Crazy white girls around the world look tame when compared to Lavender Brown. It's no surprise that she makes the list of nominees. Her thirst for her dear "Won Won" is the epitome of teenage sexual frustration. But here is the real question we must consider: are crazy white girl-ness and thirst the same thing?

Romilda Vane

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When we see the thirst: the 6th movie

Romilda may not be the character that everyone remembers as she does not get much screen time. Her brief appearance in the movie does not, however, lessen her thirst or the impact that it has. She packs more thirst into her few minutes of fame than most girls could manage in one entire adolescence. This girl isn't messing around either. She expertly uses a love potion to secure her prey, only it's intercepted. Finally, the girl gets extra points seeing as her thirst is completely unreciprocated.

Moaning Myrtle

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When we see the thirst: the 2nd, 4th, and 6th movies

Let's start off with the fact that she's dead BUT STILL SO THIRSTY. It all starts with the second movie when we are first introduced to her. She hangs out in her bathroom, making the most of any opportunity she gets with Harry & sends him off into the Chamber of Secrets with this suggestive little line: "If you die down there, you're welcome to share my toilet." Then, in the fourth movie SHE STRAIGHT UP HOPS IN THE BATH WITH HIM & checks out his "golden egg." I mean, I guess they're the same age *technically* but she's been dead for a solid 50 years.

Bellatrix Lestrange

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When we see the thirst: the 5th, 6th, and 7th movies

Bellatrix is a witch in every sense of the word. Her thirst level grows exponentially along with Voldemort's power. It's hard to feel sorry for her, but Bellatrix is a prime example of a female who gets friend-zoned. Even in the darkest of times, she remains faithful to Voldemort, and he never returns her love. As obvious and prominent as her thirst is, her pure wickedness is hard to look past making her a dark horse nominee.

Fangirls Everywhere

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When we see the thirst: when Neville Longbottom makes his grand entrance in movie 7.2 and the EVERY SINGLE TIME he appears on screen after that

HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT MAN? And seriously, who was expecting that? Fan girls everywhere can't help but swoon when Neville comes to the rescue. With so many fangirls around the world and such a strong combined thirst, they are a force to be reckoned with and therefore make it onto our list of nominees.

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I'll just leave this here.

Next Category: Most Thirsty Male

And the nominees are:

Harry Potter

Ron Weasley

Severus Snape

Argus Filch

Cormac McLaggen

Viktor Krum

Harry Potter

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When we see the thirst: the 4th and 5th movies

You can't think of teenage Harry Potter without thinking *ANGST* so. much. angst. His thirst, however, is also prominently displayed pretty much any time he's around Cho Chang. We get it, Harry, she's older and in a different house and has the whole wounded dove thing going for her but get it together, man. Cho renders Harry pretty much useless with as little as the batting of her eyelashes. (Side note: some of you may be wondering why Cho did not receive her own thirst nomination, but all she ever does is distract the Chosen One from defeating Lord Voldemort and is generally just a drawn out, uninteresting plot point we have to get through in order to move on to bigger and better things)...Back to Harry now. His thirst may not be the most obvious, but it is perhaps the most distracting, and for that he gets the nomination.

Ron Weasley

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When we see the thirst: the 4th, 6th, and 7th movies

Ron's thirst is not just a trait but a triumphant story that will inspire the romantically misguided everywhere. His potential for thirst is first seen when Fleur flits into the 4th movie like the fabulous little French woman that she is. His thirst here is promising, but short-lived. In the sixth movie, his thirst really comes into its own. His sickening relationship with Lavender is nothing but a cover-up for his all-consuming thirst for Hermione Granger, even if he has trouble admitting it. By the 7th movie he's busting out every move he has to prove to Hermione that he's boyfriend material, and we all watch as that thirst develops into a beautiful love and he manages to land Emma Watson. Bravo, sir.

Severus Snape

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When we see the thirst: Always. (Too soon? Sorry guys.)

Snape pines for Lily Evans Potter for the entire time that he knows her, and his love continues even after her death. His constant loyalty gets him the nomination, but we must try and consider this question: how much of this is thirst and how much is just pure, unrequited love?

Argus Filch

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When we see the thirst: the 5th movie

Filch thrives under Umbridge's reign. Their equal disdain for students makes Filch the perfect choice as a sidekick for Umbridge. He constantly follows her orders, waiting on her hand and foot which begs the question: is there some romantic thirst in this relationship? Prolly.

Cormac McLaggen

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When we see the thirst: the 6th movie

Cormac's character is written almost entirely as a human embodiment of teenage thirst and entitlement. Cormac is the ultimate example of the internal debate women face with guys: is this behavior creepy or cute? His general attractiveness and physical prowess in the Quidditch pitch distract us from what is otherwise an unhealthy level of thirst for love and attention from anyone and everyone that will give it to him. At the end of the day though, his thirst may be overshadowed by his over-inflated ego.

Viktor Krum

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When we see the thirst: the 4th movie and briefly in the 7th

As amazing as he may be as a world-renowned Quidditch player and Durmstrang champion in the Triwizard Tournament, Viktor Krum is a lonely, lonely man. After laying his eyes on Emma Watson, his thirst becomes REAL. And can you blame him? He is an obvious contender for this award as he tries for the entirety of the 4th movie to quench his thirst. Honestly, he tries harder to win Hermione than he does to win the Triwizard Tournament (which *minor point* is actually the whole reason he's at Hogwarts).

Forgotten nomination we wish could happen: Rubeus Hagrid

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Unfortunately and ironically, half-giants are often over-looked for the Wizardry Awards, but we felt that we had to mention Hagrid's thirst. As seen in the 4th movie, Hagrid falls hard for Madame Maxime and stops at nothing to impress her. The man even puts on a suit and "combs" his hair. So we have to ask: what's bigger--Madame Maxime or Hagrid's thirst for her?

Bonus Category: Best Non-Romantic Thirst

And the nominees are:

Percy Weasley

Colin Creevey

Dementors

Argus Filch

Percy Weasley

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Object of his thirst: recognition and prestige

Percy Weasley was headboy, and DON'T YOU FORGET IT. Percy is ambitious to a fault, but unfortunately we don't get to see enough of this Percy in the movies. His thirst is seriously downplayed by his lack of screen time, but it is still a formidable personality flaw that ultimately leads to his failure.

Colin Creevey

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Object of his thirst: friendship and acknowledgement

Colin Creevey, may he rest in peace, wanted nothing more in life than a little attention from Harry Potter. Unfortunately, his thirst/obsession gets in the way of developing what might have been a normal friendship. Sorry, Col, we wish you guys could have been friends, too.

Dementors

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Object of their thirst: quite literally your soul

The soul purpose (pun intended) of a dementor's existence is to give that dreaded kiss. They're foul and awful and actually the worst. You certainly don't want to cross paths with one of them. Dementors live for the thirst, making them a near unstoppable force.

Argus Filch

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Object of his thirst: magical abilities

Filch, poor squib that he is, is constantly bested by twerpy little teens with sub-par magical abilities AND THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO ABOUT IT. If only he could do magic himself, life would be so much better.

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

Lavender Brown for Most Thirsty Female

It's pretty obvious that this girl is about 300 shades of crazy. Her status as the craziest white girl makes the thirst more real, and her highly concentrated, unquenchable thirst only elevates her status as craziest white girl all the more.

Viktor Krum for Most Thirsty Male

Maybe not the most obvious choice, but Viktor Krum's case is a sad one. He pretty much blows off the Triwizard Tournament to win over Hermione and ultimately fails. Not only that, but years later he sees her at the Weasley wedding AND IS STILL SO THIRSTY. Back off, bro, she was never yours to have.

Argus Filch for Best Non-Romantic Thirst

No thirst, romantic or otherwise, can beat Filch's lifelong desire to posses magical abilities. While his thirst may not always be out on display it can be seen through his constant goal of ruining the lives of young witches and wizards in any way possible. The squib life is not an easy one, and Filch makes it look so, so pathetic.