VALENTINE'S DAY
How to survive The Day That Shall Not Be Named.
Every year, as soon as New Year’s Eve decorations are packed away, the stores become a nauseating maelstrom of pink cards, pink chocolates and pink teddy bears. If those bears didn’t have smiles sewn into their cheeks, they would be growling at the indignity of having their fur dyed pink. Wouldn’t you? Here’s how to survive the next 24 hours without going insane.
1. If you’re female and in a relationship.
Have no expectations. Like, zero. You think he’s going to propose? Think again. You think you spotted something gold and sparkly sticking out of his gym bag? They’re the tights he wears to his secret 80’s spin classes. Sorry. But seriously, there’s nothing stupider than fighting with your partner because he didn’t do something ‘special’ for Valentine’s Day. If you feel loved and appreciated the other 364 days of the year, there’s no need for some grand gesture on Valentine’s Day.
So your friend’s boyfriend sent her roses, and your boyfriend sent you a text asking you to pick up some peanuts on the way home (salted, not roasted) because he’s having beers with friends. So what? It doesn’t mean he loves you any less. Relationships don’t have price tags. Remember when he sent you a care package of cookies because you were having a bad day at work? Or made you breakfast in bed because you were nursing a brutal hangover? It’s the small things that count. Always.
2. If you’re male and in a relationship.
Whatever you do, buy her roses.
3. If you don’t know whether you’re in a relationship.
Hallmark doesn’t really have a card for “I’m not sure what this is or what we’re doing, but I really like hanging out with you.” And that’s fine. You don’t have to label your relationship for the sake of a greeting card. Just continue to enjoy the present, without any pressure to know precisely how you feel or what you want. Better yet, don’t even see each other on Valentine’s Day to completely avoid the awkwardness of that potential conversation.
4. If you’re newly single.
Unfortunately, today will remind you of how alone you really are. Depending on how long it’s been since the break-up, you’re probably still trying to figure out WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THE FREE TIME YOU NOW HAVE (the enormity of which cannot be conveyed by larger font).
Staring at the ceiling got old pretty fast. Rearranging your wardrobe only took a few days. Seeing your friends all the time was great at first, until you realised there was nothing left to say, and they started thinking you were needy.
So how about spending some time with yourself? Be selfish for a change. Buy an entire tub of ice-cream, just for you. No need to compromise on flavour. No need to feel bad for scraping the bottom. No need to squeeze into sexy lingerie. Grab your favourite movie and your comfiest pyjamas. Light a scented candle – go crazy! The best thing about substituting ice-cream for alcohol is that you significantly lower the risk of calling your ex. Leave your phone in the farthest corner of the room, dim the lights and relax into the best Valentine’s Day you’ll ever have.
5. If you’re perpetually single.
Your last connection was with your wifi, and even that didn’t last. Your friends are starting to worry about you. You try to explain to them (for the millionth time) that what you feel for Subway – that’s real love. And you can bet, come Valentine’s Day, that they’ll try to set you up with some super-awesome-single-person from their lab, or encourage you to find The One at a bar in town. Possibly THE worst idea ever. Hanging out in bars on Valentine’s Day is like walking out of the house naked, covered in honey. Fake food poisoning and stay home. Trust me.
6. If you have a crush on someone.
Short of attaching a GPS monitor to their bike, you know this person pretty well. And so far, you’ve managed to hug your feelings close to your chest. Well, lucky for you, this is the one day of the year where you can be a hopeless romantic without any judgment whatsoever.
So send them a note (carrier pigeon or carrier puppy, your choice) and take it from there. What’s the worst that can happen? You can always switch degrees. Godspeed Casanova.
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