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Things You Wish You Could Say To Google.

Google is like the cool kid at high school. He gives the impression of being 'a nice guy' but deep down he just can't wait to call you out on your mistakes and share your private information with the rest of the class. Really, no matter how cool he seems to be (I hear they have those little napping pods in their office), there's no way in hell that you could trust him with anything.

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Stop trying to make me feel like a dickhead.

We're all human Google and as a human, I'm entitled to make a few spelling mistakes at times. When we type in 'How many beers is to many', is it really necessary that you say, Did you mean: 'How many beers is too many?'

You know what we meant.

Don't be that guy that's always correcting people, no one likes that guy.

What's all this Google History business? No one wants to relive those experiences.

Look, we've all had to Google a few questionable things in our lives, things we aren't particularly proud of. We've put our trust in you because we were too embarrassed to ask our friends, out the the fear of forever being referred to as the 'Why is my poo kind of purple' girl and then, you betrayed us.

You secretly stored our deepest, darkest secrets in your filing cabinet, waiting for the day when you could reveal it all and say: "Look what a fucking creepy loser you are."

Low blow Google, low blow.

Stop Fkn' spying on me aresehole.

So, along with storing everything you've ever searched, Google also logs every website you've ever visited, ever form you've ever filled out, ever conversation you've ever had (Oh God no) and they'll store this information for up to nine months. Ever noticed those cute personalised ads popping up here and there? "Oh yes, I do love horses and scuba diving, aw Google, how did you know?"

No, it's not cute. It's creepy. If you were on a first date with Google and he proceeded to outline a bunch of your recently searched items, you wouldn't be sticking around for long would you? No, you'd be kicking his stalker arse to the curb.

Thanks for helping me to switch off my brain.

With Google, no longer do you have to think for yourself. Need to convert some money? Define a tricky word? Forgot the name of the English Prime Minister? Don't stress yourself out with actually having to think about the answer. Just let Google do the work for you.

And when people are bugging you with annoying, incessant questions, don't loose your shit, calming direct them to 'Let Me Google That For You', a website that not only gives them an answer, but also subtly tells this person that they are being annoying AF.

What's your problem mate?

Basically, Google things he is better than you. In 2009 Google CEO, Eric Schmidt said,

"If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place."

So there you have it people. Every time you have a sexual enquiry, a relationship pickle or a strange bowel movement, don't Google it, because that would be too secretive. Send an e-mail to Mr. Schmidt, he'll be happy to help you out.

Maybe it's time we stopped treating Google like our trusted pal and started to see him more like that creepy room mate that 'accidentally' took your underwear from the laundry. You guys still get along, but you'll never really feel that comfortable around him again.

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