17 Reasons Why Michelle Tanner Is A Terrible Human Being

She seems so cute until she steals your bear or kidnaps you.

As a die-hard Full House fan, I can readily admit that this show might be the corniest thing on TV. I love it so much and will admit it's one of my guiltiest pleasures. However, all I ever see are articles about how flipping cute Michelle Tanner is and I'm like, "is everyone on crack?" Michelle was literally the worst. Everything was always about her, she was hardly ever punished, she ate everyone's food (how is she not one of those fat little kids?), and basically was a manipulative little troll.

1. Being a disgusting pig

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Michelle is gross. Everyone thinks little kids are so cute when they get food all over dey face, but for some reason, I just wanted to punch Michelle every time she ate. Not to mention, she was always stealing everyone else's food and they're all like, aww how cute. I would have slapped her hands away and said, "Girl, if you stick your face in another cake, I'm sending you to fat camp!"

2. Being on the (not so) Polite Police force

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I wanted to kill Michelle in the episode when she's the Polite Police sheriff. Michelle Tanner has virtually no manners and then tries to tell everyone else that they have bad manners. To top it all off, she forgoes her badge when "politeness" doesn't convince Stephanie to fork over her cupcake; she goes right on and steals it. "HOW DARE YOU EAT A CUPCAKE, PEASANT?! ALL CUPCAKES MUST BE SACRIFICED TO THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MICHELLE!"

3. Making long distance calls on DJ's phone

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Remember when Danny yells at DJ for a $56 phone bill? Turns out, Michelle was using DJ's phone to call Tokyo. Danny never apologized to DJ and barely reprimanded Michelle. He gave her a "pretend" phone and when Michelle realized this, she went back to using the real phone by answering a VERY important call for Joey. Lesson learned, am I right?

4. Turning her cousins into her personal slaves

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Nicky and Alex do something nice for their cousin Michelle. Instead of being grateful, Michelle sees this as an opportunity to take advantage of her cousins by turning them into her personal slaves. They finally realize that Michelle has whipped them into servitude and revolt by hosing her down. Right on, brothas!

5. Trying to break up Danny and Claire

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Michelle doesn't like Stephanie's friendship with Gia because it means Stephanie won't be able to give her all of the attention, so she is very upset to hear that her dad is going on a date with Gia's mom (which could result in them getting married and Michelle having Gia become her step-sister). She puts on a ridiculous show of being an 8-year-old outlaw with a smoking problem to convince Claire that she would make a terrible step-child. I don't know why Michelle needed this "touch chick" act; she should have just been her terrible self. The fact that she even pulled this scheme shows that she has no regard for Stephanie's or Danny's happiness. It all about Michelle.

6. Stealing her best friend's dog

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Stephanie has a birthday party for Comet and invites all of the neighborhood dogs over to celebrate, including Sparky (who happens to belong to Teddy). Well, Michelle doesn't like Comet anymore because he's too big, so she steals Sparky, a much smaller dog, to keep for herself. WTF? She dresses the dog up as a rabbit and even lies to DJ about where Sparky is. She doesn't even get yelled at for it. SMH.

7. Turning 5

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Michelle commands her family of slaves to continually wish her a "Happy Birthday", because not a moment cannot pass without Michelle being the center of attention. Her photo is taken, and Michelle is informed that this Polaroid will be the last addition to her baby book and that she won't be getting everyone's attention now that the twins will be born soon. Michelle isn't having it and attempts to defy space and time to remain a spoiled 4-year-old forever. Then the entire family has to convince her with a lousy clip montage of how special she is, like how she sucked at riding a bike, how she guilt tripped Uncle Jesse into moving into the attic instead of getting a house with his new wife (and also, demanded their attention when they tried to get busy), how she STOLE SPARKY, how she sucks at being polite, and how gross she is by eating Cheetos out of the couch.

8. Literally everything in "Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor"

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First she starts a pillow fight and doesn't get punished when a window is broken (only Steph and DJ take the blame), refuses to go to bed and eats junk while watching Arsenio and Danny's all like, "Michelle, you're so cute, will you go to bed for me, your slave dad?", then she messes up the pile of leaves that her sister minions had raked (and when they make her rake them up again, Danny catches them and is like "HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY LITTLE PRINCESS DO YARDWORK, YOU SPAWNS OF SATAN?!?"), and throws a pool party in the kitchen (and Danny's once again is all like, "Y U NO HELP MICHELLE BRING POOL IN HAUS? U DO WUTEVAH MICHELLE WANTS!). Michelle finally gets punished for being the worst human alive, but her punishment is staring at the wall for five minutes when she actually should have been sent off to a child labor camp.

9. Crashing Danny's date

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Michelle starts whining when her dad actually goes out on some dates instead of catering to her every whim. "HOW DARE YOU HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE, WORTHLESS FATHER? YOUR JOB IS TO DO EVERYTHING I SAY! NOW FETCH ME SOME CAKE!" She decides the best course of action is to stow away in the car and go on the date too. Danny notices Michelle when he sees her in the restaurant eating someone else's dessert. Then she puts on a sappy show of how her dad is never around anymore. Instead of being locked in the chokey for sneaking out of the house, he just gives her a hug and is all like, "I'm sorry, master. I'll never date again."

10. Buying a donkey

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First, she swindles hardworking men by selling them lemonade and then telling them she has no change, then she take her 200 some bucks and instead of buying a ton of candy, decides to buy a donkey instead. If she were my kid, I'd be like, "Fine, the donkey can have your room and we'll tie you up outside, moron!" But no, everyone just goes along with it. Then, this d-bag of a donkey eats Stephanie's homework, keeps everyone up all night, destroys a portrait of Danny's great-grandfather, and causes DJ to puff up with an allergic reaction the day of her senior portraits. Michelle not only doesn't apologize, but makes Uncle Jesse stay up all night to sing to her jackass. "SING FOR MY DONKEY, YOU OVERLY-MOUSSED SWINE!"

11. Trying to steal her sister's man

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Never have I been so happy to see Michelle feel so badly, even though she was dumb enough to think that she had a real wedding to an 18-year-old. I know, she's like 6, but this chick is a super moron. At least Stephanie knew to pretend marry someone her own age. Not to mention that she felt no remorse for thinking she had stolen her sister's boyfriend. "SORRY EXCUSE FOR A SISTER, BOW DOWN TO YOUR MASTER. YOUR BOYFRIEND BELONGS TO ME NOW, PITIFUL WENCH!"

12. Turning her family into a bicycle-stealing crime ring

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Michelle forgets that she left her bike at Derek's house. Naturally, her first instinct is to accuse someone of stealing it. Because she has everyone in that freaking house wrapped around her grubby little fingers, she convinces everyone her bike was stolen, leading Danny, Jesse, and Joey to actually steal 3 bicycles from innocent children. If Michelle can't have her bike, then no child can!

13. Playing with Jesse's studio equipment/running away

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Jesse tells Michelle, "don't touch my stuff, turd" and Michelle's all like, "you're not the boss of me, Uncle Greasy. I'm gonna touch all the stuff." So, after being told not to touch Uncle Jesse's very expensive music equipment, she says screw that and does it anyway. Then Uncle Jesse tells her dad and Michelle finally gets some punishment. Michelle's all like, "No way, Jose. I'm going to live with a family that lets me do whatever the hell I want!" Jesse and Danny trick Michelle into thinking she can really move in with Teddy, but I would've come with a suitcase filled with her crap and been like, "Go ahead, move in. You were adopted, anyway."

14. Stealing Mr. Bear

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So Stephanie is going crazy because her bear is missing and Michelle's all like, "I know where it is, fool!" Stephanie is hella attached to this bear because it was the last thing she ever got from her dead mom, and only when Mr. Bear's mug appears on a home video is Michelle prompted to give the bear back. Not even when Stephanie legitimately called the police to report Mr. Bear missing did Michelle think, "I should give this present from dead mom back to my sister."

15. Kidnapping Teddy

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It's sad when your friend moves away. Normal people react to news like this by being sad and exchanging addresses. Maniacs like Michelle kidnap their friends so they can be held as a personal friend prisoner. "IT RUBS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN, TEDDY!"

16. Breaking the mother flipping dinosaur

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So basically, Michelle is like, "I'm going to da museum and Ima do whatevah I want." She actually thinks that hugging the bones of a dinosaur (which is roped off to prevent dumb idiots like Michelle from touching them) is a good tactic for playing tag. The dinosaur comes crashing down and Michelle manages to destroy an irreplaceable piece of history while nearly killing her entire class. Naturally, Danny flips the eff out, but at Jesse since it's Jesse's fault that his daughter is a terrible human being. Danny yells at Jesse some more while Jesse has to do community service to pay for the damage. How about we tell Michelle that she can't eat until she expertly rebuilds the dinosaur? Danny and Jesse fight and Michelle realizes that no one is paying attention to her so she screams that it's all her fault in an attempt to make them realize that Michelle is the victim. It works, because Jesse even tells her that breaking the dinosaur wasn't her fault and then she's all like, "Yes, yes! You broke the dinosaur! Also, I hate you and you're no fun and I wish you never went on this trip and broke the dinosaur!" I'm sorry, what? So Danny tells Stephanie she is stupid AF for driving a car into the house but when Michelle breaks a dinosaur it's Uncle Jesse's fault?!?!

17. Being the worst effing princess ever

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Michelle cuts Stephanie in line and becomes princess for the day in Disney World. This gives Michelle an even bigger God complex so she uses her crown to make her sisters and Kimmy dance like puppets. Finally, the peasants have had enough of Queen Michelle so Michelle's like, "Bye Felicia". Everyone gets hella scared that Michelle is lost even though I would have been like, "Quick, lets get back to San Fran right now before she finds us!" Once they find Michelle, she is punished by getting everything she wants. WUT?! Seriously. If I ran away in Disney I'd get a wooden spoon to the butt. Also, I willingly admit that I was a leashed child. But instead of parading Michelle on a leash for the dog that she is, they give her a tea party. Even Stephanie is like, "um, when is Michelle gunna get her butt whooped?" Then Michelle is like, "Hey Steph, I stole dis crown from u so u can have it now dat I've used up all my wishes" and because this was such a SELFLESS act, they let Michelle ride in the parade. Seriously?! I hate this kid more than Hitler.