I Watched "Rent" As An Adult And I Have Many, Many Questions

But... you HAVE to pay rent.

1. Why is "Seasons of Love" at the beginning of the film?

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In the stage version, the song opens Act II. Singing "How do you measure / Measure a year?" at the start of the film is strange, considering the first 90 minutes only cover about 7 days' worth of story.

2. Why do all the characters look like they're in their thirties?

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Yes, I know the actors are in their 30s, and it's (mostly) the original Broadway cast. But even though they all still look great (especially Idina Menzel — damn), this movie was filmed a decade later! They can't pass for teenagers or early twentysomethings anymore.

3. Why do Mark and Roger think they shouldn't have to pay rent on their palatial Manhattan loft?

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You have to pay rent. Did they think just because they're friends with Benny, and Benny owns the building, they don't have to pay rent anymore? That's not how rent works.

4. And do they think Benny will want to do them any favors when they literally THROW FIRE AT HIM?

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5. Even if Benny had told them they didn't have to pay rent and then reneged on the deal, why would he have told them that in the first place?

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At minimum, Benny would still have to pay property tax on the building. He needs to charge at least some rent.

6. And then why are they still so mad at Benny when he tells them they don't have to pay rent?

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Sure, he says that under the condition that they stop Maureen's protest (oh, we'll get there), but he's literally offering them exactly what they want! Try to compromise, you two!

7. Why is Mark such a jerk about his parents leaving him a very sweet message on Christmas?

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Geez, Mark, sorry your parents love you and wanted to talk to you on Christmas.

8. In fact, what's the point of Mark even being in this movie, other than to help develop the other characters?

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His entire arc is "I'm making a documentary! Oh no, now I have a job! But don't worry, I quit!"

9. Wait... Angel literally drummed a dog to death?! FOR MONEY?!

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And then sang a song about how awesome it was?!?!?!

10. Why does everyone keep urging Roger to date Mimi?

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Mimi is a heroin addict! Roger is in recovery for heroin addiction! That's a dangerous relationship for both of them!!!

11. Why don't Angel and Tom Collins kiss more?

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I wish they'd kissed more.

12. Maureen's protest is to sing about... sucking the teat of an imaginary space cow?

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It's great that she's protesting against Benny trying to get rid of a tent city of homeless people, but really, a space cow? Ooooookay, Maureen.

13. And what the hell is a "cyber studio," Benny?

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I know this movie takes place in 1989, when people still used the word "cyber," but still.

14. According to the lyrics to "La Vie Boheme," yogurt, rice, beans, and cheese are bohemian things.

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I know this isn't really a question, but it needs to be pointed out how ridiculous that is.

15. Why did Mark bring two friends to a job interview?

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Joanne claims he needed a lawyer, but certainly not at the FIRST interview. Wait until he gets an offer and then look over his contract, Joanne!

16. Why do the characters treat Maureen's bisexuality as proof that she's promiscuous?

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They're not the same thing AT ALL.

17. Maureen and Joanne break up AT THEIR ENGAGEMENT PARTY?!

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"Take Me Or Leave Me" is the best song in the whole musical, but damn, breaking up at your own engagement party has to suck.

18. Why can't Joanne get better friends?

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YOU DESERVE BETTER, JOANNE.

19. Why does Benny start dating Mimi? Isn't he married?

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It's possible he's in a polyamorous relationship, but this is never clarified, and nobody seems to bat an eye at it.

20. Why did Angel have to die?

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Sure, she killed a dog, but her death makes Tom Collins very sad, and Tom's the best.

21. Why does Roger move to Santa Fe for less than a song?

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His big move away from New York City lasts about four minutes.

22. Why does Mimi get to come back from the dead to be with Roger, but Angel doesn't get to come back to be with Tom?

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Tom's the best and deserves to be happy.

23. The documentary Mark spent all year working on is... two minutes long?

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And it's not a documentary at all; it's a montage. A documentary is not just a montage, Mark. However, it is nice to see Angel one last time.

24. And seriously, though: Why did none of them think they should have to pay rent? In NEW YORK CITY?

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IN CONCLUSION: It's wonderful that Rent brought queer relationships and characters with AIDS into the mainstream. That being said, you HAVE to pay rent, you guys.