1.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
2.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid and they really asked .... If it was in color
3.
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.
4.
My 11-year old's birthday card to me. #blessed
5.
Me: I think I ate too much. 4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
6.
Me: We all make mistakes. 5: Even you? Me: Yep 5: Oh yeah! Like when you're trying to cook food that tastes good but then it doesn't?
7.
Me: Please get dressed. 9yo: But you're still in your pajamas! Me: I AM dressed. 9yo: Is that what you're calling [waves palm at me] this?
8.
Me: "How many kisses do you need from me?" 3yo: "Probably just zero."
9.
4: What did I earn for being good today? Me: My love and affection. 4: [cries] I don't want that!
10.
8yo: I think I just swallowed a fly 10yo: cuz you talk too much 5yo: you shoulda put ketchup on it
11.
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend. Me: Aww! Sure! 4:You can be the Beast. Me: ... 4: Or the fat sea witch!
12.
Should i be offended my 3yo covers his ears and yells "STOP!" when i dance?
13.
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included "I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence."
14.
Me: “See this? It’s a fossil of a fish that lived FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO!” 7yo: “So you were almost born then, right?”
15.
I’m not saying kids ruin your life, I’m just saying mine told her teacher all about my chin hair.
16.
My 7 year old told me his butt is “glorious” and “made in New York.” Also, he learned how to change Netflix profile names.
17.
Me to my son: You remind me of me. Son: That's just mean.