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Doctor Who As Told By Somebody Who Has Never Seen It

I've never seen the show before, but Whovian factoids are unavoidable when Internetting. So here's my impression of the hugely popular series.

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1. There is a doctor who has no name and many, many faces.

Though people seem to talk about the two most recent Doctors more than their other, less conventionally attractive predecessors. A question mark sweater vest? Really?

2. The Doctor has a companion because he doesn't like to time travel by himself.

I'm assuming that he only chooses hot, female orphans to take along, because if these ladies have families, surely they'd be reported missing. And a family, or friends, or a career would all be difficult things to give up just to live in a royal blue phone booth with a man who keeps changing his face. But being a companion, I assume, is like being the Doctor. It's like being the chosen one and you have to do it or else you'll break the universe and trigger the apocalypse.

3. Sometimes the Doctor falls in love with the companion.

Like this lovely lady here, who is tough-but-pretty, and likes to use this stylish and portable time-turner. (Pictured above.) Her name is Rose, and she likely gave up a university scholarship to accept her duty as the all-important companion. She's the nicest of all the companions, and gives the Doctor kind words of encouragement before they battle Big Bads together.

4. The Doctor does not always get along with the companion.

I wouldn't get along with him, either, if I had to give up my career as a shrewd librarian, like this lady here. This companion's name is Darla and she is very shrill and not very nice, but it's still her responsibility to be the companion because...fate or something. And that's why the Doctor doesn't "accidentally forget" her nagging self and leave her trapped during the Black Plague years of Europe. The Doctor is also jealous of Darla because he wants glorious red hair like hers but can't have it. Because there is a rule against ginger Timelords, and he complains about it alot.

5. "Allon-sy" and "Timey Wimey" are acceptable words to say in this universe.

"Allon-sy" is the Doctor's pet name for his magical phone booth, and "timey-wimey" began as an inside joke between two characters. Because why else would anyone ever say this?

7. You shouldn't go messing around with Weeping Angels.

Weeping Angels are scarier than Daleks, and much more dangerous. Some Daleks can be tamed into adorable robot sidekicks, but Weeping Angels will stand for no such thing. They will...like, they eat your tear ducts, I think? Or something equally creepy and nefarious.

8. The Doctor and the Companion fight Daleks and Weeping Angels with a specialized space-weapon.

It's like a miniature light saber, but more multi-purpose. You need a sword? Boom, it's a sword. You need to open your beer? Boom, it's a bottle opener. It's only limited by your imagination, which is why dreamy and artistic individuals wield it well. Which, honestly, explains the flamboyant and quirky attire oft-favored by the Doctor.

9. Van Gogh is a fan-favorite recurring character.

Originally meant to have a one-time appearance, this minor character quickly became hugely popular with the fans, so they kept bringing him back. I'm sure it was due to his charming ear puns and fabulous taste in hats. Either way, it's always fun when he shows up.

10. The Doctor and the Companion constantly save humanity from wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.

See that exploding planet? That would be us, without interference from Team Tardis. And they sacrifice so much to do the right thing, even though they are mysterious, unsung heroes. The job has to be it's own reward, because they must maintain secret identities.

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