As everybody (except for my grandmother*) knows, Star Wars Episode 7 opens this weekend. You've already seen too many lists ranking every movie based on quality, but I am about to present to you the most controversial list of all, breaking down the Star Wars films by the only metric that truly matters:
How cool (or lame) is the title?
7. Episode IV: A New Hope
Placing this film at the bottom is sure to ruffle a few feathers, seeing as most lists put this film at number 1 or 2. But based on name-coolness alone, it leaves quite a bit to be desired. For example, pretend I'm telling you "There's a new hope" in reference to an ancient prophecy of a savior that's coming to jump-start a rebellion. That's pretty cool right? Now pretend I'm saying it because our boss just hired a second woman named Hope to work at our office. See? Totally lame.
6. Episode VII: The Force Awakens
I know this is going to be mega controversial because everyone is slobbering on this film's 97% Rotten-Tomatoes-scored dick right now, but let's not ignore the fact that "The Force Awakens" is a pretty lackluster name for an action film. Oh wait, is The Force asleep? Is The Force wearing its sleepy cap and eye mask? Is The Force snoring loudly with its mouth open? Has The Force been hittin' the snooze button? Well wake that mofo up we got a franchise to save!
5. Episode II: Attack of The Clones
Attack of The Clones isn't a terrible name, and it hearkens back to the franchise's B-movie roots, but honestly doesn't this series seem above such a cheesy title?
4. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Which is a near-tie with...
3. Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
These two were very hard for me. I mean, clearly, they follow the same format, they both end in prepositions with funny made-up space names. They also close out their respective trilogies. At the end of the day, Revenge of the Sith is just a slightly cooler title than Return of the Jedi for me, despite the latter being a bit more iconic. I mean, that Sith got revenge! He came in and fucked a bunch of motherfuckers (AKA toddlers holding training lightsabers) up! All that Jedi did was return, man. He came back. Big deal.
2. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
This is unarguably either the best or second-best film in the series, and the title lives up to that quality. This name is so iconic that "(Blank) Strikes Back" is a go-to stock title for unimaginative nerd screenwriters everywhere. I wasn't alive when the original trilogy came out (and thank god because I love iPhones and also being young) but I can only imagine the geek-boner that generation of teenage boys got when they first saw that poster. Whoa the EMPIRE is striking back? Those dudes who got their Death Star blown up in the last one? They're so mad about it that they're STRIKING BACK?!? **jizzes infinitely**
1. Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Forget the CGI. Forget the godawful dialogue. Imagine there was never any trade negotiations. Imagine Qui-Gon Jinn actually fucking mattered to the overall narrative of the series. Imagine there's no Jar Jar. It's easy if you try.
This is sure to be a massively controversial choice. And the movie that this title was slapped on, let me reassure you, was utter dogshit. But goddamn my boy Lucas dusted his thesaurus off for this one. The Phantom Menace? COME ON. That title is clearly the best thing about the entire prequel trilogy. The Phantom Menace! How metal is that name?? What a wasted fucking opportunity. They could have retroactively called Episode 4 that title! THE PHANTOM MENACE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN THE EMPEROR OR DARTH VADER OR WHOEVER. Listen, get JJ Abrams on the phone. He needs to remake Episode 1 stat, keep the title and make it good. Or better yet let's go back in time, take back that excellent fucking title and call Episode 1: "The Little Podracer That Could." See? Everything is fixed.
Okay this is the end of the list now! Thanks for reading!
*my grandmother is dead
Justin P. Drew is a standup comedian based in Boston. You can find him on Facebook or Twitter or his website or just go ahead and listen to his comedy album here.
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