1. H&M Swim Short, $13
Though these may be short, they will still be totally capable of keeping your baby arm in check.
2. Forever 21 Abstract Ombre Swim Trunks, $16
With a fun design like this, maybe people will start your looking at your crotch for all the right reasons.
3. Forever 21 Geo Print Swim Trunks, $16
This geometric pattern totally says, "Yeah, I'm packing... a picnic basket for the beach!"
4. Forever 21 Aloha Swim Trunks, $16
Getting lei'd has never been easier with these flower print trunks.
5. Forever 21 Galaxy Print Swim Trunks, $16
Shoot for the stars, and they'll land among your trouser rocket.
6. H&M Patterned Swim Short, $18
The horizontal pattern really accentuates your wang's full potential.
7. H&M Patterned Swim Short, $18
Another great pair of swim shorts that will keep your kielbasa in check.
8. ASOS Swim Short, $23
It takes a man with a big ol' porker to rock pink shorts.
9. Mossimo Supply Co., Target, $25
If your thunder from down under is starting to grow, this pair of shorts will keep the storm at bay.
10. C9 by Champion®, Target, $25
These offer that pop of color that will distract from your pop up tower.
11. H&M Patterned Swim Short, $25
These are a little longer, great if you have big schlonger.
12. New Look Safari Print Swim Short, ASOS, $25
Animal prints say, "Under these shorts it's like the The Lion King: Longer than you remembered and definitely made for adults."
13. ASOS Acid Wash Swim Short, $26
Take it back to the '80s with an acid wash look, to a simpler time when gas was cheap and the hair was as big as your third leg.
14. Body Glove Session Boardshort, Zappos, $27
Because pastels are a subtle way to say, "Hey, my eyes are up here."
15. American Eagle Colorblocked Stripe Swim Trunk, $30
Color block for your girthy rock!
16. Modern Amusement Printed Boardshorts, PacSun, $30
These trunks are the heartsong for your ding dong.