18 Things Only People Who Hate Camping Understand

The only tent I'll be pitching is in my pants, thank you very much.

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1. For starters, camping is NOT a vacation.

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An all-inclusive resort with tropical drinks is a vacation. Camping is just practice for the zombie apocalypse.

2. Being in the middle of nowhere is not your idea of a good time.

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Want to escape reality for a few days? That's what Netflix is for.

3. Someone always wants to set up camp as far away as humanly possible, much to your chagrin.

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"I know, let's drive six hours, walk another two, then set up camp!" —An idiot who likes to camp

6. There are stupid bugs everywhere.

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Know what doesn't have face-eating spiders the size of softballs? The Four Seasons.

8. Night = the darkest dark in the history of darkness.

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You better have a flashlight or else you might accidentally pee on a porcupine, which I wouldn't recommend.

13. The days are fine, but you will freeze your ass off at night.

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Sunblock? Check. Frisbee? Check. Antarctic expedition jacket? Double check.

14. Cooking on those little stoves is awful and you hate it.

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If I wanted to cook on a miniature surface I can just use an EZ Bake Oven. At least that way there are brownies in the end.

15. People constantly telling you how awesome camping is can go suck it.

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Know what else is probably awesome? Fighting sharks, but you don't see me jumping into the Great Barrier Reef with boxing gloves on, do you?

17. With no cell phone reception, if you get lost you're screwed.

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There's no checking Google Maps when you're lost in the wilderness. So unless you can navigate by the stars — which you can't — you will most likely be found dead in two weeks with a note that reads, "Why did I go camping?"