1. Because he's a wild animal that can't be contained.
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2. Because he really likes football.
3. Because your boyfriend's channeling Kim K.
4. For when your boyfriend is like, "I'd like my penis to vaguely resemble a police crime scene."
5. BECAUSE HE IS A WILD ANIMAL.
6. OH GOD, THE LEGS.
7. OH GOD, THE GOOGLY EYES.
8. Was the fake belt really necessary? (YES).
9. Because he sees his penis as a piece of rotting fruit.
Because he only has cursory knowledge of what cowboys actually do.
10. Because he's got a very important formal event to attend.
Or he's the life of the holiday party.
11. Because HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS RIGHT OR GOOD IN THIS WORLD.
12. Because he just loves some fucking fringe.
13. For when he's really into his dong, but kinda self-conscious about his chest.
14. For when he wants to show off his ~really evolved~ sense of humor.
15. In case you can't find him in the middle of the night.
16. For when you need to be reminded of what's really important (which, in this case, is taking the "scenic route" to his dong.)
17. And, finally, for when you decide you never want to have sex with him again.
