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    33 Important Things We Learned About Justin Bieber From Going To The "Purpose" World Tour

    What about the children, indeed.

    by ,

    We went to the Justin Bieber Purpose World Tour last night and had so many feelings. Here are some observations and thoughts, in no particular order.

    Emma Tyler

    IT US.

    1. He likes ninjas, enough that he made his dancers dress up and ninja dance while he was singing from inside a cage. Yes, this actually happened.

    2. He is actually a very good singer and has the voice of a baby angel.

    3. He's an even better dancer, and can expertly execute moves while looking perfectly miserable.

    4. He cannot do those two things at the same time.

    5. Which is totally fair. Have you tried? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

    6. He likes extremely literal metaphors, like walking on a treadmill while saying the word "treadmill."

    7. He's dead behind the eyes. Like a fast moving and murderous shark.

    8. He designed a portion of his show around what appears to be the couch from Central Perk.

    9. He's supposed to sing three acoustic songs on said couch, but he may forget one or two of them.

    10. One of the songs he might forget is his number one hit song "Love Yourself."

    11. That might require his show handlers to remind him that he forgot to sing it and bring him and the couch back on stage. This happened at the show we were at, and crew members were forced to retrieve the couch and the guitar for Bieber so that he could complete his acoustic set.

    12. His fans do not fucking care.

    13. He really loves moving up and down on hydraulic risers. It seems to be a loose Jesus/second coming metaphor.

    14. He's really good at playing the drums, and took a ten minute break mid-set to perform a drum solo.

    15. There's a 75 - 90 percent chance he forces all of his lovers to listen to a 20 minute drum solo post-coitus.

    16. There's also a 75 percent chance that Justin Bieber learned how to play acoustic guitar from watching his dad, "human chain wallet" Jeremy Bieber play at the local Battle of the Bands.

    17. This might be why Selena Gomez broke up with him. We're just speculating, of course.

    18. He's really good at dancing!

    19. Also singing!

    20. He likes to wear a minimum of 7 shirts at all times, including 2 on his torso and one compression shirt. At one point he took off what appeared to be his final shirt, and there was ONE MORE SHIRT ON. That must be exhaustingly sweaty.

    21. He made it both rain fire and actual rain inside the building. During the encore number, "Sorry," a giant containment pool was brought on stage so and Justin danced and splashed from within the pool in what was most likely meant to represent a spiritual "rebirth."

    22. Justin stares at himself writ large on the oversized concert screens for very long intervals in between songs sometimes.

    23. Also, he begins the show in a glass box which is a lovely heavy-handed metaphor for fame and what it's probably like to be Justin Bieber.

    24. He seems reaaaaaally not happy to be there.

    25. His tour rider seems to include a lot of bandannas.

    26. He had children dance with him during the song "Children" and referred to the group of children dancing with him as "The children" multiple times.

    27. He seems to be having an existential crisis possibly brought on by being thrust into fame unprotected at an early age, surrounded by opportunistic adults, with no real guidance or supervision. Bieber is now nothing less than a pop music machine and it reads on his face and his mannerisms and the joyless mechanistic way he rushes through pop song after pop song. The Sadness of Biebs feels insurmountable and inevitable, so palpable in his being and so heartbreaking, you can't help but feel that at 22 he's seen and done too much already and what he really wants and needs is for someone to tell him no. Heavy is the Biebs that wears the crown.

    28. He ascended from holes in the floor no less than 237 times.

    29. He never walked on or off stage, only ascended and descended from the floor, another possible resurrection metaphor.

    30. He referred to the tween audience as "ladies" multiple times.

    31. He had a custom built trampoline descend and then ascend from the sky and he did tricks on it while the song "Company" blared in the background, and he didn't even bother trying to lipsync.

    32. He also did a truly strange monologue about walking up and pressing the snooze button multiple times (complete with lying on the stage and pretending to press a snooze button) that somehow segued into "life is worth living."

    33. Despite everything, and maybe because of everything, Justin Bieber still possesses magic. His fans feel it. But maybe he doesn't anymore.

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