1.
[commercial for everything bagels] Do you want your teeth to look like you ate a shitload of ants? NARRATOR: Everything bagels
2.
When your mom buys off brand cereal
3.
How messed up is it that the Trix Rabbit isn't allowed to eat cereal that literally has his face on the box? Thats some Saw 3-level torture.
4.
Wife: Is breakfast ready yet? Me: You can't rush home cooking. Wife: You're making Pop-Tarts. Me: I forgot to plug in the toaster.
5.
you can tell a lot about a man by his fingernails. if theres scrambled eggs under them hes a keeper
6.
do you want to have a few pancakes, you wuss, or do you want to get real
7.
When I was young I learned to never say "Bloody Mary" out loud 3 times or else you'll have to take a cab home from brunch.
8.
JUDGE: we know you egged that house ME: you gotta break a few eggs to make a homelette JUDGE: a what? ME: *lips on mic* house omelette
9.
Breakfast: AND YOU'RE ALL GONNA SAY IM THE MOST IMPORTANT. [waves knife] ISN'T THAT RIGHT!? Lunch and Dinner: [crying] yes anything you want
10.
I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn ice cream into breakfast.
11.
Any time a bird craps on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my patio to show the birds what I'm capable of.
12.
GOLDILOCKS: this porridge is too hot PAPA BEAR: *bursts into room* wtf is porridge? GOLDILOCKS: it's oatmeal PAPA BEAR: say oatmeal then
13.
Not having enough milk for cereal is nature's way of telling you to have tequila and doughnuts for breakfast, right?
14.
You had me at, "I'll make breakfast." You lost me at the improper cheese-to-grit ratio.
15.
The Brave Little Toaster: I'm gonna save the world! Me: No, you're not. You're going to toast this bread. TBLT: You never let me do anything
16.
Find yourself a best friend that's willing to split a everything bagel and give you the top part.
17.
Best thing about America is u put the word 'breakfast' in front of any food type n it's acceptable to eat it first thing in the morning
18.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. Its like, here, lemme hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes
19.
I used to order my bacon really well-done and crispy but as I've grown older and more defeated, I just take whatever bacon they bring me
20.
Hell is an eternity of cleaning the frying pan you just made scrambled eggs in.
21.
[hungover] ME: That cereal is too loud! WIFE: It's oatmeal
22.
8am: commits to a raw vegan plant-based diet 10:30am: orders in something called "breakfast pasta"
23.
Toast is just soft bread that has been hurt before.
24.
Riddle: I am breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Also a snack. Also dessert. What am I? Hint: Cap'n Crunch
25.
Cereal is breakfast soup
26.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
27.
[afternoon] ME: oh good only 4 more hours until i get to eat dinner [after dinner] ME: okay only 15 hours until breakfast