11 Possible Reasons For A Suddenly Low Sex Drive

Not caring for sex as much as you used to can be frustrating and even isolating, but it doesn't have to be.

When your sex drive mysteriously plummets, it can feel agonizingly confusing.

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"Easier things to rule out include new medications, illness, depression, excessive stress, relationship issues, and dramatic lifestyle changes," says Antonia Hall, a psychologist and sex and relationships expert. But there are also harder-to-define reasons, too, and even just knowing where to start can be daunting.

So here's a list to start with. The more obvious, clear-cut reasons are closer to the top, and the more nebulous ones are lower, if you've already looked into everything else:

1. The sex you’re having is uncomfortable or even just dissatisfying.

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Seems like a no-brainer, but if your sexual experience often involves the burning friction of a condom and only two seconds of oral, no wonder you don't really want to have sex (even if you're in love with your partner).

Try: Having a more honest conversation with your partner about your own sexual needs or fantasies, incorporating a vibrator or toy so you get off too, and (if you're not using it already) investing in a bottle of lube. But if sex is actively painful for you no matter what you try, it's worth seeing a doctor — you might have a more serious condition like vaginismus or endometriosis.

2. You feel insecure or emotionally unsafe around your partner.

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Conversely, your partner could be objectively amazing in bed, but you feel very stuck in your head when you're in bed with them. This could be because of persistent anxiety and insecurity around your body or sexual prowess (even if they tell you you're great).

"Psychological causes such as low self-esteem, poor body image, negative sexual experiences, or a history of abuse can be missed as causes of lowered sex drive," says Hall. It's worth exploring if this has always been a trend in your sex life.

If, however, this is a new thing, it could be something deeper, like your partner making you feel bad in or out of the bedroom to the point where your mind just isn't into boning them as much anymore.

"We all want, need, and deserve to feel loved and desired by our partners," says Hall. "If something your partner says or does is hurting your feelings or diminishing your self-esteem, it is likely to hinder your sex drive."

Try: Speaking to a therapist or licensed professional as well as confiding in a close friend or family member. If you suspect you're in an abusive relationship, consider reaching out to a text line like this.

3. Your personal life has taken a hit lately.

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Depression is well known for messing with your libido, but you don't have to necessarily be dealing with a death in the family to experience the full-blown effects. Even things like a falling-out with a friend, feeling unmotivated at work, or not getting into the grad program you worked so hard for can trigger a temporary sense of hopelessness.

Try: Remembering the last time you really wanted sex and assessing what has changed since in your personal life. Taking pressure off yourself to have sex when you're feeling down is also a good step, as is talking through your feelings with a therapist or even a trusted friend or family member. "Worrying about a lowered libido is only going to make it worse," says Hall, so above all else, go easy on yourself!

4. You're exhausted basically all the time.

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Maybe you're working longer hours, go to a 6 a.m. barre class four times a week, or just had a baby. Whatever it is, if your main desire when you hop into bed is to conk out ASAP, this is probably at least part of the main problem.

Try: Being patient with yourself if your life feels tumultuous and jam-packed right now — dealing with developments like new jobs and babies is stressful enough without feeling like you should also be crushing it in your sex life at the same time. But if being spread thin is a more persistent problem that ruins your overall happiness, consider reassessing your schedule. It could be as simple as carving out some time in the morning for doing whatever — or whomever — you want.

5. Your mind is just always somewhere else.

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While orgasming can be a great stress reliever, if you already feel super anxious about something, it can feel impossible to get in the mood. If this is a more persistent theme than you just worrying about finals, it's worth looking into.

Try: Doing everything you can to feel calmer — like yoga, meditation apps, getting more sleep. If nothing makes a dent, it might be good to talk to a therapist and examine any underlying issues.

6. Your diet coooooould be better.

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This is a sneakier reason, but if you've been on a carb-and-sugar high for a while, it could be affecting your mood — including your sex drive.

Try: Incorporating more fruits, veggies, whole grains, protein, nuts, and legumes. One study found that the Mediterranean diet lowered the risk of erectile dysfunction in participants.

7. You're going hard on the booze or weed.

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Even though alcohol and pot are often characterized as hookup enhancers because they can lower inhibitions, they could also be thwarting your getting-laid goals by making you feel tired or indifferent to sex. According to this 2011 study, sexual arousal decreased in women when they drank, "but only in higher dosages."

Try: Cutting either out entirely for at least a month and seeing how you feel. It might be that a glass of wine feels great, but any more makes you waaaaay too sleepy to even think about the work it requires to take your clothes off and touch another human.

It could be good to keep track of any big changes, too. "Journaling is always a valuable tool for self-reflection," says Hall. "[It] can give you a place to work through any emotions and epiphanies that arise." If your sex life is completely different after a month, you might want to think about cutting down more frequently or even going sober.

8. Your birth control might come with some side effects.

honeybunny @BABYCHEEKIE

I HATE HOW BIRTH CONTROL DECREASES SEX DRIVE BC WHY DID I TAKE BIRTH CONTROL TO BEGIN WITH??? TO HAVE S E X

01:12 AM - 25 Nov 2019

Contraception methods like the pill, NuvaRing, arm implant, or hormonal IUD all interact differently with every body, and if you notice a pretty clear loss of interest in sex ever since you started yours, it could be the problem. It sucks — the very thing you go on to have more uninhibited sex can be the reason you don't want it at all.

Try: Waiting it out for a few months if you just started — it takes the body time to adjust. But if it's been so long since you've even found the idea of sex appealing in any way, consider switching to a different brand or method or a nonhormonal option like the copper IUD.

9. Your lifesaving medication has slowly tapered off all sexual feelings.

Danya @dxxnya

i take birth control so i can have sex but it makes me more depressed so i take anti depressants and they kill my sex drive and then i can’t have sex and then

12:40 AM - 24 Nov 2019

Same as birth control, your antidepressants can ironically lower your sex drive, even if they drastically heighten every other aspect of your life. It's absolutely the worst.

Try: Talking to your doctor about a lower dose or different type of antidepressant altogether (and never just go off of it on your own!). You can also experiment with taking it at a different time of day so the immediate side effects are less intense (aka, if you're a morning-sex kind of person, switch to taking it at night).

10. You recently moved in together.

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You'd think, Finally, I can bang without worrying about thin walls and nosy roommates, but sometimes, sharing a space makes you want to have sex less, not more. Part of that has to do with how convenient and fun it is to Disney+ and chill on the couch — it's so easy to slip into a routine where that's pretty much *all* you do together. No shame if you like it, but if you just realized you haven't had sex in a minute, this could be why!

Try: Scheduling some date nights in where you go somewhere cute and put your phones away at least once a week. "Libidos need to be frequently nurtured or they can naturally fizzle out," Hall says. You can also take a vacation (or staycation in a nearby hotel) to smash that refresh button on your relationship.

11. You don't want to have even great sex with your partner.

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Maybe you're no longer in love or attracted to your S.O. It's a hard truth to face, but if you've truly racked your brain and tried everything because this is not something you want to deal with, then it might just be true. One good indicator is you still actively masturbate and think *a lot* about sex, just not with the person you're seeing.

Try: Giving it a little time before you make the choice to break up (especially if the feeling itself is new or came from a specific conflict you haven't really resolved with your partner yet). "Sex drives naturally fluctuate throughout our lives," says Hall. "Don't wait to reconnect with your partner. Communicating concerns is a wonderful opportunity for vulnerability that can allow for a deeper connection with each other."

If you do all that and still end up feeling this way for months without enjoying even nonsexual things with your S.O., then it's probably time to move on.

Most of all: Just be kind to yourself.

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Sex drives are far more complicated than people give them credit for. Having a lower one doesn't make you a bad person or inadequate in any way, and the only way to figure out what might be causing it is if you're honest about how you feel every step of the way. So be patient with yourself. ❤️