How The Heck To Make Friends Out Of College

Because the idea of your lifelong best friends only coming from school is super limiting.

If you feel like you used to have way more friends in high school or college and have no idea what happened, you’re not alone.

Anne Helen Petersen @annehelen

The thing no one tells you about making friends in a new place in your 30s = it takes at least a year and there's nothing wrong with that and even then you'll have like 3 friends but again there's nothing wrong with that

05:18 PM - 15 Jan 2019

Millennials are, statistically, the loneliest generation, with one in five stating that they have no friends at all.

Admitting you want more friends — and taking steps to making new ones — can feel like a weird process at first, like consciously trying to relearn what used to feel so natural and easy.

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Seriously, you think to yourself, I used to wear fingerless gloves and drunkenly overshare details from my sex life–how did I have more people to hang with in college than I do now?

But we live in a time where it’s more common for people to move away after school, be more plugged in at work, or feel too overwhelmed with texts and DMs to respond. And when there isn’t a forced environment like a dorm or classroom to repeatedly see each other in, friendship can feel less simple.

It doesn’t have to be work, though, and if anything, approaching friendships as an adult can lead to more fulfilling relationships than some of the the booze-fueled ones from your freshman year.

I spoke with Dr. Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. for tips on how to start.

1. Join groups around activities you actually like over networking events.

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Networking events are great for career-building and all, but it’s much harder to meet someone once and then feel compelled enough to keep grabbing coffee enough to build a lasting friendship. According to a University of Kansas study, it takes roughly FIFTY hours to go from acquaintance to just casual friend, and 90 hours to be an even closer one.

An easier (and genuinely more fun) way to do this is to invest in a hobby or sport you actually like and would do even if you have no friends in it yet. Take group music lessons. Audition for a local theater company. Join a lacrosse team or rock climbing gym.

“Participating in any activity on a regular basis will allow you to spend time with the same people in a non-threatening atmosphere,” says Levine. Plus, nothing bonds people like a collective goal worked on over a long period of time!

2. Manage your expectations.

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Obviously you’re doing this because you actively want more friends. But everyone’s met that one person who tries a little too hard. It can make a someone feel like they’re being crossed off a “MAKE FRIENDS” checklist than actually being appreciated for who they are.

It’s also just setting yourself up for disappointment when someone you were sure would be your new best friend to do everything with ends up flaking or being a little more flawed than you initially thought they’d be.

“People sometimes romanticize the idea of friendship, but it’s vital to recognize that no relationship is perfect,” says Levine, stating that friends can fulfill a multitude of roles, from being a foodie friend to a jogging buddy. So aim to simply meet new people. It becomes way less transactional (and stressful!) that way.

3. Reach out to past acquaintances.

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The people you barely registered in college or high school are probably not exactly like you remembered them. If any move to your town or vice versa and seem like they’d be fun to grab dinner with, it’s worth hitting them up. At the very least, you’ll have plenty of organic things to talk about (high school goss never gets old). Or you’ll both naturally fall into a friendship and see each other more often!

4. Try to take the good parts of social media and ignore the rest.

jonny sun @jonnysun

there is NOTHING online more invigorating than seeing the green circle around someone’s instagram story profile picture. this fact should disturb me more but i am too busy feeling UTTER JOY at the thought of being somebody’s “Close Friend”!!!

04:45 AM - 26 May 2019

Easier said than done, but social media is best used as a way to connect with people you already know in a low-key way. At worst, it’s a nice way to torture yourself into believing everyone has a polished BFF squad to go to Europe with except you. If you need to cut down because this feeds into some negative myth of how you’re chronically unfriendable, delete some apps or limit your usage.

5. Show genuine interest in the person.

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“Ask questions,” says Levine. “[And] people always like to hear compliments–in moderation.” Moderation is definitely the key word here–again, no one wants to feel like you’re mentally ticking off all the questions you decided you will ask them or complimenting every article of clothing they have on.

This is more of a tool in approaching people in the first place–if they’re potentially friend-material, they’ll reciprocate the question-asking so you’re not feeling like an antsy late night TV interviewer. If they don’t, eh, move on.

6. Put yourself out there to ask people to hang.

Connie Grinch ⛄️🎄 @connieglynn

Me: Feels left out and lonely Also me: Isolates myself from literally everyone and everything

12:23 PM - 12 Feb 2017

Seems obvious, but it’s very easy to get into the mindset of thinking that everyone else automatically gets invited to things all the time and you don’t, therefore you must be unlikeable. Sure, in college, it was easier–there was probably a built-in community around parties.

Adult hangs are much more orchestrated though. If two people choose to spend time together, one person has to actively shoot the other a text or DM. That means, ideally, this is you 50% of the time.

It can even be worth writing down all the most recent times you chilled with someone. How many of those were invites extended to you, and how many times were you the one to reach out first?

7. Give people a chance, but ya know, not toooooo much.

! BECK ¡ @drycrybabyy

I used to cry over losing friends. I used wonder why I was the only one hitting them up to hang. Why they were so flaky and two faced. It used to tear me up inside. I’m grateful to have the new friends in my life, the ones who unconditionally love and accept me for who I am

10:57 PM - 21 Sep 2018

Feeling lonely and then having someone flake last-minute can suck so hard. If it happens once and they’re really apologetic, it’s worth giving them another shot, but if this is a recurring thing and you anticipate cancellations every time, you’re better off looking elsewhere. If this person is fun, see them when they reach out to you and make an effort, but don’t go beyond that until you feel like your time is respected.

8. Be open without oversharing.

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“While you don’t want to reveal intimacies at a first meeting, you do want to share a little bit about yourself,” says Levine. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “if they know my deeper secrets, it speeds up the friendship process,” but if anything, it’s a good way to drive people away fast. As famed research professor Brené Brown says, “trust is earned in the smallest of moments.” Don’t rush it.

9. If you notice patterns in friendship falling outs or toxic relationships, look into it.

human error. @blxcknicotine

friends that call you out on your bullshit are real friends. if they’re telling you what you need to hear, they’re telling you because they care. if they didn’t, they would just say what you want them to even if it’s bad for you.

05:14 PM - 28 Nov 2019

Again, it’s normal to lose some friends to distance or growing apart as you get older. But it’s a little different if you feel like you’re in a cycle of making fast friends, having blow-up fights, and scrambling to start over every time, or that you feel like you’ve never successfully held on to close friends for very long. If that’s the case, it’s worth exploring this in therapy and figuring out if there’s anything you might be doing to sabotage relationships with other people.

10. Be patient.

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“Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, getting close requires time,” says Levine. “People need to get to know and trust each other so they feel comfortable enough to reveal their true selves. Don’t expect too much too soon.”

Even if you do all of the steps above, the people meant to become your friends might not do so until months or even years later. The main thing is to keep showing up, being yourself, and not fixating on the quickness or quantity of your friendships (unless you’re content with very shallow ones.) The people worth keeping around usually enter your life so slowly, you barely realize it’s happening. Let it happen.