1. This morose hedgie, who wished he were playing with a different kind of stocking and was reminded that he hasn’t gotten laid in over a year.
2. This introspective hog, who underwent an unexpected existential crisis just from looking at the ornaments, dangling, just clinging to life on each branch.
3. This spiky rebel, who wore this bow as a symbol of how far our societal materialism has gone only to have no one “get it”.
4. This tiny philsopher, who sees gingerbread houses as the perfect representation of the futility of life — so much work, and with impending chaos at the end of it all.
5. This rather nihilistic one, who just piled up the holiday decor because what does it all mean, anyway?
6. This sad little hog, who knew white Christmases almost never happen but decided to take a gander so his disappointment would be verified.
7. This slightly-bitter hedgie, who only sees mistletoe as proof of our obsessive need for contact since we enjoy having a hanging leaf demand we kiss anyone near us.
8. This apathetic hedgehog, who has never enjoyed a candy cane but still ate, like, five.
9. This out-of-work-actress, who reenacted the entire nativity scene and realized this was the most stage time her career has gotten so far.
10. This perpetually-single hog, who soon learned he was being set up on a blind date which included exceptionally stiff conversation.
11. This timid guy, who just really isn’t the touchy-feely type, making this holiday especially burdensome.
12. This principled hog, who literally didn’t know the person he posed with for this photo that will be put on Facebook to perpetuate a faux image of unity.
13. This Holden Caufield-like hedgie, who rode a sled on carpet instead of snow, which further reminded him of the artificiality of his surroundings.
14. This hungover hedgehog, who drank so much spiked egg nog that reality remained a lukewarm spotted blur.
15. This dubious dude, whose hat was too big and couldn’t stop thinking that if his family doesn’t even know his hat size, what do they know about him at all?
16. This grumpy hog, who would rather hide out in a spiky pine tree than watch It’s A Wonderful Life again.
17. This very adult hedgehog, who finally decided he was too old to sit on Santa’s lap and instead took an awkward side-by-side photo that no one likes.
18. This easily-discouraged one, who just couldn’t get the bow centered on their present and decided to throw in the towel.
19. This party animal, who decided to end the night with a rave which only made his Christmas experience even more hollow as he drifted from stranger to stranger.
20. This recent graduate, who got so sick of the coy smiles that followed questions about her post-grad English major life.
21. This nitpicking hog, who annoyed everyone by pointing out that the snowballs looked more like tumbleweeds, then retracted and just took the damn photo.
22. This very practical hedgie, who took slight joy in knowing that he never, even as a child, even remotely believed in Santa Claus.
23. This frugal gal, who worried the entire night that the gift she received would be better than the one she gave (it wasn’t.)
24. This homebody hedgehog, who confirmed his theory that Christmas is a grotesque nightmare by simply showing up.
25. This nonchalant fashionista, who enthusiastically put the least amount of effort in her Christmas wardrobe thanks to this gold ribbon.
26. This dark dreamer, who would’ve loved to drag mountains of presents through the sky if only he could leave this house.
27. This unenthused hoggy, who failed at feigning delight before the ceremonial gift opening and was deemed the party pooper of the night.
28. This stressed out hedgehog, who got assigned stocking and string lights duty and was too exhausted to find the holidays “fun”.
29. This incredibly annoyed one, who was, quite simply, hiding from the abundance of bad holiday puns.
30. This side-eyeing hog, who more than filled her quota of ironic Christmas sweaters and will from now on just opt for solid colors when displaying her indifference.
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