10 Ways To Revamp Your Relationship

This Valentine's Day give your social life a boost whether you're just friends, single, dating, married, or anywhere in between. With tips from top psychology experts you'll be able to reinvigorate any relationship.

1. Commit to putting effort into your relationship

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Every couple struggles at different times. Couples who make the plan to work at it throughout their lives will continue to do well in their relationships. Couples who are doing well recognize that each partner needs to put effort into their relationship. At times, one partner may do more than the other, but their mutual commitment to work at things keeps them going strong even in the rough times. It is very common for couples to go through issues throughout their lives. It is not stress by itself that breaks couples apart, but it is their inability to support each other through that stress that can lead to those breakups.

- Angela Skurtu, MEd, LMFT, is a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Ballwin, Missouri

2. Seek to better understand - and be understood

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Strong relationships depend on respecting each other’s differences—even celebrating them! Yet, some couples unknowingly grapple with the effects of mental-health conditions, such as anxiety or depression. Left unrecognized, these conditions can create ever-deepening conflict and alienation. For example, in couples where one or both partners have ADHD, they need to know they are dealing with a neurobiological condition—one characterized by erratic ability to focus, remember, plan, follow through, control impulses, and regulate emotions. Otherwise, one partner risks continually viewing the other’s behaviors as “selfishness” or “lack of caring”—and the other partner risks feeling misunderstood and frustrated. When these couples learn to accurately attribute certain behaviors to ADHD, they become empowered to develop effective coping strategies and strengthen the bond that brought them together.

-Gina Pera and Arthur L. Robin, Ph.D. Co-Editors of Adult ADHD Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions

3. Don’t rely on flowers

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Instead of saying it with flowers this Valentine's day, try some deeply expressed personal appreciation. Surprise your partner with a shower of "all-over" praise--I call this going around the 4-dimensional Wheel: body, mind, heart, and spirit. Rave about your physical closeness--how delicious it is to gaze at each other's beauty and feel each other's warmth and touch. Acknowledge each other's sensitivity and humor--that special meeting of minds you share. Appreciate the heart-to-heart connections that bond you, even when life is hard. Finally, express your gratitude for how much you mean to each other--starting with the story about how you first met. This is the all-important spiritual dimension of your relationship that fans the sacred fire of long-term loving.

- Gina Ogden, PhD, LMFT, is a sex therapy supervisor.

4. Separate affection and sex

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Ever wonder why you lack sexual desire or just want to avoid sex? There can be many reasons, but one is very simple. In many relationships, affection and sex have become fused together and it leads to an unfortunate exchange which diminishes relationship satisfaction. The most common formula is that men will give affection in order to get sex and women will give sex in order to get affection. In order to optimize satisfaction, the idea that affection must lead to sex must literally be put to bed. Affection is often and should frequently be a prelude to sex, but it should not mean that sex must occur. Both partners need to learn how to appreciate, value and enjoy the simple act of affection separate and apart from sex. In turn, the couple will feel closer together, experience more overall satisfaction, and probably more inclined to desire sex. Touch and affection are essential for human survival and the fundamental bonding in relationships.

- Gerald R. Weeks, Ph.D., ABPP, CST. Professor, certified couple and sex therapist, author.

5. Fight fair

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Most of us tend to avoid fights. We tend to think they will be hurtful, lead to angry feelings, not be resolved, and leave us frustrated. Conflict intimacy seems like an oxymoron or a contradiction. Couples who have learned to think of resolving conflicts or disagreements constructively find that just the opposite happens. Resolving a conflict strengthens the relationship. It creates a sense of “we-ness.” We worked together and negotiated and comprised for the greater good of the relationship.

- Gerald R. Weeks, Ph.D., ABPP, CST. Professor, certified couple and sex therapist, author.

6. Step outside your comfort zone

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Embodying a new archetypal energy will evoke new responses from a partner. For most women, the sexual psyche is an undiscovered country, but every woman holds a passport with which she can visit new archetypal territory, revitalizing her experience, and enriching her unique sexual essence. In the Sexual Essence Wheel there are four categories: Romantic, Nurturer, Seductress, and Mystic/Muse.

When we become over-identified with any one of these categories, we enter into its dark side - disillusionment, resentful exhaustion, shallow involvements, or a loss of instinctual energy. We all have the capacity to call forward energies from other archetypal realms, which is a wonderful way to recalibrate your life.

For example, the Dutiful Wife may need to reconnect with her Playful Kitten. The Wounded Romantic may need to discover her Adventuress. The Mystic may need to activate her Inner Tigress.

-Chelsea Wakefield, PhD, LCSW is a relationship and sex therapist in Asheville, NC. She is the author of In Search of Aphrodite: Women, Archetypes, and Sex Therapy.

7. Be present

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"In relationships we often focus on how things were in the past, or how we'd like them to be in the future. We try to create perfect memories so that we can look back on them in the future, rather than actually being in the moment while we're having it. Try, for an hour or so, being present with how you and the other person are right now and just noticing what unfolds instead of pushing it in any particular direction."

- Meg Barker, senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and therapist specialising in sexual and relationship therapy

8. Ask ‘What is good for us’?

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"We live in a highly individualistic, consumerist culture. In our relationships, that translates to a focus on getting our personal needs met, our goals achieved, happiness attained, and an approach that asks 'what's in it for me'? Yet, research shows that couples who can shift from "I" to "we" and develop a vision for how they want their relationship to be report greater satisfaction and intimacy. Learn to think about the consequences of your agenda for the relationship and ask: 'what is good for us'?

- Karen Skerrett, PhD., co-author of Positive Couple Therapy: Using We-Stories to Enhance Resilience

9. Move beyond the appeal of good looks

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"Is attraction based on physical chemistry? That's the "common sense" view, but not what relationship scientists have found. The new mantra for choosing a life partner is comfort, trust, and attraction. Comfort involves sharing your genuine self with your partner and feeling accepted. Trust is feeling safe with this person and in this relationship. Although physical attraction is good, the crucial factor is not a visual turn-on, but receptivity and responsiveness to touching and being touched which enhances anticipation and desire."

- Barry McCarthy, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor of psychology, and certified sex and marital therapist

10. Nurture your unique dynamic

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"Use this day devoted to love not just to love each other, but to love your relationship. Your relationship is your mutual work of art - you are forever shaping and refining it. It changes and grows as you both change and grow, and it will thrive as long as you give it attention. Think of the "We" as a magnificent plant that draws on the trust, respect, empathy, passion, humor, and shared meaning you find in your life together. What a great day to celebrate the "We" you have created!"

- Jefferson Singer, the Elizabeth H. Faulk Professor of Psychology at Connecticut College