A Letter Of Complaint For JB Hifi Store (Australia)
I wrote and sent this a few weeks ago. I'd be lying if i said i wasn't influenced by David Thorne.
A Letter Of Complaint
I wrote this letter out of complete boredom. Its not related to travelling but as i haven’t written in a while, i thought i would share.
Dear JB Hifi Board Of Directors,
I going to come clean and get things straight right away. I’m English and have only lived in Australia (home of abbreviating words unnecessarily and substandard mayonnaise) for around 18 months. I understand that due to many differences in geography, climate, cultural demographic and history, things are done a little differently here. An example of these things is giving conflicting names to common Mediterranean vegetables such as capsicum and zucchini. Whilst I can tolerate peoples frivolous ignorance in use of the English language, I draw the line at “eggplant.” That said, I once demanded an explanation from an Australian friend, where I was firmly put in my place.
“What’s ‘egg’ about eggplant?” I asked. She replied with, “What’s ‘aub’ about aubergine.”
Since that day, during the 24th year of my life, I realised; I’m not right ALL of the time. As a child, I was wrong to be scared of horses in fitted waterproof jackets (a common sight in the UK countryside during the winter months). My mum revealed recently that when we drove to Wales for weekend breaks, I used to half cry, half whimper “why are they wearing coats mum!” with the same expression on my face as if I was greeted by Freddie Krueger when turning my bedside light on in the middle of the night.
I was also wrong in thinking that I would get respectable grades at college by playing “shithead” in the common room and convincing my friends to drive to the only café in Great Malvern that served full English breakfasts all day long. Daily. Along with a few other reasons, I obtained an “E” in Business Studies. Before you begin sympathising and start assembling a hamper full of earphones that “go all mono” after two days, taylor swift laptop cases, Itunes gift cards (who actually buys those things apart from aunties?) and those fucking ridiculous Bluetooth ear clips that suit wearing real estate agents are made to wear so we know not to trust them, worry not, I turned out OK in the end.
That’s right, with only an E in business studies, I still manage to coordinate my hand movements to slowly deposit nutrition into my mouth, button up a shirt in the morning to the desired state of presentation to sustain a full time job and manage to spread just the right amount of sick rumours about my friends to create a fake sense of unity amongst the remaining friends to have some kind of social life.
So as you can see, business is by no means my strong point. So maybe you can help me with my personal account involving a visit to my local Elizabeth Street branch of JB Hifi on 26th October 2012. I decided that after a two years both backpacking and living in little old Australia, I should back up my stupid travelling photos, illegally downloaded movies and music. So after finishing up in the office, I headed to your store on my push bike. I managed to dodge being flattened by Holden UTEs and avoided being abused by cyclophobes . But instead gained a sexy cocktail of road water and horse faeces (from the great Melbourne tourist attraction that is the horse and cart) up from my gouch to my lower back.
On my arrival to your store, I was greeted warmly by the security guard whom I guess was there for effect as I doubt he could run very fast. And so I wandered over to the hard drive section of the store which had accumulated a crowd of desperate, confused customers holding selections of hard drives like cave men holding cans of baked beans with no knowledge of can openers. With all the shop assistants busy arguing with each other how to dance Gangnam style and whether their future girlfriends (yeah right) will have iphones or Samsung smartphones, I decided to use my initiative to select the most desired product. With no use for a hard drive that could store the entire internet, I chose the modestly sized and priced Seagate Expansion Portable Drive and headed to the checkout.
Now this is where my education in business operations and management defies me. I wandered down the labyrinth of cheap, Chinese made product toward an opening in the distance. As I approached the two posts before the checkouts that society as taught me to wait at until the previous JB Hifi victim has completed their transaction, I found that to my surprise, there was not a single JB Hifi employee there at all. I tried my best not to panic. Thoughts started shooting through my mind. Perhaps, due to equal opportunities, JB Hifi had employed a team of dwarves (isn’t the term ‘midgets’ politically incorrect?) to run the complicated process of exchanging electronic goods for money, and of course they were there, but obstructed from my view due to Bluetooth mouses (mice?) and Steve Irwin DVDs.
Or, Perhaps, JB Hifi is taking part in a nationwide, anti-Gillard resistance movement where they tease the public by displaying a plethora of GST taxable electronic goods, but have implemented a Wikileaks-esque purchasing blockade in which no-one can transfer currency, all aiming to combat Julia’s carbon tax reforms.
Five minutes worth of equally probable scenarios ran through my head before a bewildered young lady walked up to the centre checkout. I almost shouted “Don’t step on the midgets! They deserve to work here too!” but reality kicked in and I handed her the Seagate 500GB Drive. With not a single word spoken, she had disappeared into the adjacent elevator, never to be seen again. Fortunately for me, another employee had the reactions of a sexually active puma, and completed the transaction before I could say “Iphone 5 with dual-core processor and 1GB of RAM and accessory pack.” Thankfully, I didn’t interrupt her telephone conversation too much as she struggled to open the glossy yellow bag and hold the phone between her broad shoulders and voluptuous rosy cheek. She handed me my new purchase, I thanked her (though not mutually received), and I was on my way.
As I left the store and rode home, I thought of a time when midgets rarely worked in electronics stores, there was no carbon tax and businesses wanted to take my money.
3/19 Merri Street
Thank you for taking the time to advise us of your experiences at our Elizabeth St Store.
While always appreciating but never particularly enjoying the receipt of a negative in-store experience, had our service not have been so disappointing in this instance I may well have admitted to being more than a little entertained by the eminently readable recounting of your experience.
Despite this, as your letter addresses some significant service concerns I do need to reinforce our strong conviction to provide our customers with a positive in-store experience. Unfortunately that standard has not been afforded you and based on your consent have forwarded your note to the Regional Manager of the store in question to review their in store processes accordingly.
As per your wishes I have also forwarded to our Company Secretary who will table your note at the next Board gathering.
Thanks again for letting us know of the challenges you faced with your transaction. Hopefully we will have an opportunity at some time in the future to provide a more professional transactional experience.
I am grateful for your feedback. I will be looking forward to fated visits to JB Hifi on Elizabeth street, just so i can further our exchange of conversation. Eventually, i would like to take our relationship to the next level. Some people think cyber-relationships are shallow and meaningless, but i think we can make it work.
I have just changed my facebook status to “in a relationship with Peter Green.” I think the sooner you tell your family and friends, the easier it will be on them in the long term.
Thankyou again babe,