15. Morning Wood Boner
This is the New York Yankees/Duke men's basketball/Avicii of boners. It's ubiquitous, ubiquitously despised, and it feels like it's never going to go away. It's loud and annoying and impossible to completely ignore. Take comfort in the knowledge that men across millennia and across the world have raged, like you, against the morning wood boner. Though putrid, it is a symbol of our common struggle as humans.
14. The Terminal Boner
The bad news about having a terminal boner is that you are dead. This is a fairly major downside.
The good news is that you cannot be embarrassed by it and you cannot feel it. This makes it inarguably better than the morning wood boner.
13. Airplane Boner
12. Fear Boner
When life gets terribly hard, so do you. The fear boner is rare but those who have experienced its harrowing pulse know that it is all too real. It may be a misguided extrusion of the fight or flight response, or some evolutionary remnant of a time when boners could fight; scientists disagree. Whatever it is, it is best not to tamper.
11. Workout Boner
10. Masturbation Boner
The liquid diet of boners, functional, sustaining and yet obviously, philosophically, insufficient. Grim and deterministic; to be tolerated.
9. Beach Boner
8. Cuddling Boner
I'm no expert in boner psychology, but it seems logical to me that cuddling is deeply confusing to the boner. Cuddling is often done in positions that have analogues in intercourse, with someone who may have acknowledged or even made contact with the boner in question, and involve prolonged shifting and copious friction. While the cuddling boner may be unwanted, like an unplanned child, it must never be blamed. It was you who selfishly brought it into this world, and you who must care for it.
7. Accidental Middle School Boner
6. Jogging Boner
The jogging boner is not long for your shorts, and yet no matter how short its stay, it will make you feel, cutting the wind in front of you and pointing your way ahead, like a petit pioneer. Bon voyage!
5. Driving Alone Boner
4. False start Boner
You thought you were on your way to a boner, and you had made your peace with it. Then! False start: no boner. This is the boner that keeps you on your toes and reminds you that no matter how well you think you understand your boner, it has its own agenda and can never totally be trusted.
3. Your boner looks really big for some reason today Boner
2. Actual Intercourse Boner
1. A sexy thing happened and you can't do anything about it Boner
We human beings are right now living through a massive technological incursion into our sex lives. I don't just mean the instant gratification made possible by the proliferation of a bewildering range of digital smut and swipe-to-screw phone applications. I mean that in the extremely near future it will be not only possible to wear a reality-simulating helmet while a robot that has been encoded with the aggregate sexual knowledge of every human culture ever to exist services your every need, it will be as widely accepted as reading an ebook.
And humans are just apes. Apes with delusions of grandeur in Oculus Rifts getting robot fucked at the push of a button. Our children's children—also apes—won't even remember a time when they couldn't get the greatest orgasm of their lives an hour before they realized they wanted it. I would cry but for laughing...
This right here is the vinyl record of boners. It's a little more work and a little less perfect but maaaan, it's rich and full of character! Listen to this one. This is the boner that reminds you that you are you, a human, imperfect, unfinished, alive!