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16 Signs You're PRETENDING To Have An Existential Crisis

TO ALL THE PHONIES OUT THERE: We all know that having an existential crisis is one of the best ways to get attention, just stop it already!

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1. "If existence precedes essence but I'm struggling to exist, what's supposed to be my essence?". That's you on repeat


"Current mode: not being [insert koala emoji]"

2. The question "Who Am I?" makes you be on the verge of a brutal fainting (but it actually doesn't)

Warner Bros

"Someone bring me a chair! My doubts need to rest!".

3. Public transport has become the only place where you can be at ease with your irresolvable questions

Tatsunoko Production / Gainax

"My fellow travellers are as miserable as I am. Well, me a little more TBH".

4. You find yourself wandering around supermarket aisles / Via Giphy

"Is this consumerism going to consume me before I consume it?".

5. You've convinced yourself that drinking black coffee while staring out of the window is DEFINITELY the best way to deal with your issues

"If only skim milk didn't worsen my problems..."
National Geographic

"If only skim milk didn't worsen my problems..."

6. You spend your evenings listening to jazz even though you can't get the new IGGY AZALEA song out of your head / Via Giphy

"I love jazz because the songs last longer than my purposes in life".

7. Taking Rorschach tests on-line has become your favourite hobby / Via Giphy

"Should I send a SMS to pay for my results?"

8. You print passport photos of yourself and watch them slowly burn. In the kitchen stoves. Because you don't have a fireplace to make it look dramatic

Reddit / Via Giphy

"And thus, the fire obliterates my identity and leaves my soul immaculate..."


"I need to open the windows when this is over".

9. You think your entire education has been useless and a waste of time, from nursery school to your PhD

OLM, Inc. / Via Tumblr

"Joining the dots ruined me forever".

10. You carry a book everywhere you go (Sartre, Kafka, Heidegger, E.L. James, whatever...) but you're permanently on page 9 / Via Giphy

"I know my answers are here but I'm terrified of finding new questions".

11. You've become obsessed with over-analyzing your childhood cartoons and blaming them for your currently messed up state of mind

Toei Animation

"Goku played with my mind as a puppeteer plays with his puppets".

12. You force yourself to watch Ingmar Bergman's movies WITHOUT subtitles

AB Svensk Filmindustri / Via Tumblr

"I can't let my mother language ruin the true meaning of this film".

13. You've changed your Twitter avatar for the infamous EGG because you think it accurately depicts the emptiness inside you

"This is my new me".

"This is my new me".

14. You're worrying your friends because of your Facebook statuses

Zero likes, of course.

Zero likes, of course.

15. Your responses only make it worse

Zero likes and, coming soon, zero friends.
Via Simitator

Zero likes and, coming soon, zero friends.

16. You try to justify all your mistakes by saying the world is "an absurd" but you're eventually held accountable for them, like anyone else


"I'm not being so I'm not giving any damn #sorrybutnotsorry"

OK, so maybe you are TRULY going through an existential crisis. Or maybe not. Most probably not.

Frederator Studios / Cartoon Hangover

Good luck anyway!

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