How To Bullshit Your Way Through Any Sporting Event

Don't know shit about sports? These 5 tips will help you fly under the radar and save yourself from athletic embarrassment.

It's clear that Americans love their fucking sports. They love them like a fat kid loves cake. Except this kid would also have to know every different kind of cake there is, the history of each, who makes the best cakes, the ingredients in them, and on top of that an infinite number of statistics on every cake ever made. This kid would have to eat, sleep, breathe, talk, post, snap and tweet cake 24/7. Then he would have to start his own cake leagues and pay billions of dollars to his cakes every year. That's how much this kid would have to love his fucking cake. But what do you do if you don't know shit about cake? Well, not cake. Everybody knows cake. We're talking sports. And everyone is invited, obligated, or forced to watch or go a sporting event at least one time in their life. So, here are some tips on how not to make a complete ass of yourself. (Results may vary.)

1.

Morpheus is a dirty liar–there are always rules. First rule? Do your damn homework. That’s right, you’re going to need to expend a little bit of your time and energy and do some research on the game. At the bare minimum, you should know: what teams are playing, the city and state they are from, their mascots and the names of at least two of their best players. Oh, and knowing the color of their jerseys will come in handy too. I know this seems like a lot of work, but trust me, this shit will help.

2.

Alcohol! To make this entire experience more bearable, you’re gonna want to get good and tipsy (yeah, you picked the right article to read). You want to drink juuuuust enough to shed the discomfort caused by both 1, not knowing jack-shit, and 2, being in a foreign, athletically infused environment. However, you don’t want to drink too much and say something ridiculous, or wildly inaccurate, about the game. Nobody wants to be that guy (or girl). “NICE FIELD-DOWN!!”

3.

Cheering! Sounds fun right? Wrong!! It’s a liability. But, if you must make noise, keep your outbursts as neutral as possible. You don’t know anything about either team, and let’s face it, you don’t give a shit who wins or loses. I know it’s easy to cheer when anything exciting happens, but odds are the people you’re with DO give a shit, so clapping and yelling “Touchdooooooowwwn” when the opponent scores can be social suicide. And the disdainful looks you receive will cut right to your soul.

4.

Attire! As important as it is to fit in at these events, it’s even more important not to stand out. That means moderation. For example, if the team you are (supposed to be) cheering for wears green and gold, a nice green OR gold (yellow) shirt will do. Something with a team logo would be even better. In this case, you want to look as mainstream and average as possible. But wearing a green and gold jumpsuit, dying your hair or bedazzling your face (or other extremities) will attract a little too much attention. And I’m sorry hipsters, but wearing your grandpa’s vintage team sweater is just too damn risky. Touting decades-old attire will to get you noticed, and probably exposed, for the sports fraud you are.

5.

Conversation! Yes, it’s inevitable. You will have to talk to other humans there. And what’s one thing that people who are watching sports love to talk about? Other sports. I know, it’s fucking crazy. But you need to be prepared. So go to ESPN.com and look at recent news. Or watch SportsCenter. Or go to ANY major news site–they literally have an entire section dedicated to sports. Or if you’re the type of person who only trusts Twitter trending topics for your news, odds are that half of what you’re looking at is sports-related anyway. You do this not just to prepare for awkward sports convos, but also to enable yourself to surprise the shit out of the people you’re with. Witnessing the confusion on someones face when you casually mention how the league’s new review rule is changing the foundation of the game is really quite satisfying.

So ends my sports-bullshitting tutorial. I’m sure there are many other helpful tips, but I haven’t made those mistakes yet. And if this fails, at least you can find solace in knowing that there are other people in the world who don’t know jack-shit about sports. Good Luck!