Being 21 has seen its share of privileges. Finally within the realm of adulthood, I have taken my newfound ability to gain access to the bar scene to its fullest potential. Scoping the crawls of 2nd and 4th Street, enjoying the music and vibes of The Prospector and Alex's Bar or stewing in self-hatred at Iguana Kelly's, I've been to most bars in the LBC and have developed well thought out opinions on all of them that I soon forget because I black out. Yet, there is always one constant when considering places to play. The less, the merrier. Sometimes, you don't want to be surrounded by people that you don't know and would probably hate if you did. Sometimes, you don't want to step into what you hope was vomit in that shithole bathroom at Panama Joes.
I once saw something wearing glasses, with two auxiliary sunglasses on his shirt, a keffiyeh, and a newsboy cap drinking a Guinness at Murphy's, and it was really hard containing the urge to kill myself in front of him to haunt him for the rest of his shitty life. No, sometimes you want to retreat, to the darkest and deepest recesses of humanity, where the dredges of human indecency await and murder abounds and drinks are cheap and old ladies touch you. This, people who I don't know and do not hold the urge to, is heaven. This is a dive bar.
This is where you will experience your most memorable drunken experiences, besides that time that you won 51 games of water pong in the dorms on a Thursday. A place that is haven to the war vets and the hoodrats and the all-around ne'er-do-wells that populate Long Beach. So come in, have a drink, listen to a story about how a guy got away with murder, and enjoy what will probably be the rest of your life.
Bar accounts by Marco Beltran, John Villanueva, Wes Verner and Gabe Ferreira
Clancy's (111 Main St, Seal Beach)
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8:55pm: I've never been to this bar. The outside looks alright, and there is no bouncer, probably because it is still early in the night. It is Thursday and the Lakers are playing, and it's the only reason I would come here this early.
9:05pm: I find the friend I was supposed to meet among the whopping 15-20 people inside the small, but clean and organized location. As expected, the Lakers are losing by a considerable amount. I don't care much about basketball, but a good game would have given me something to do there.
9:25pm: I see a few familiar faces, and I can tell most of the customers are well-acquainted with the bartender. There is a 240-pound, 6ft-3 white man moving boxes from a small truck outside to the back of the kitchen, and he seems to know everyone in there as well. Every now and then he takes a break from his tasks and chats with another guy and the girl that is with him about the shitty situation the Lakers are in.
9:50pm: I ordered two beers; one for me, one for my friend. The bartender didn't talk much and, from what I saw, it seemed like she didn't want to be there. However, she does have some energetic conversations with the customers sitting next to me. I don't know if she knows them well already, or if I am not welcome at Clancy's.
10:15pm: A couple drunk fellas walk in and immediately head to the dart board on the corner. I hadn't noticed they even had a chart board at the bar. There are a few other arcades (I think it's a pinball machine) there too, but nobody is playing. I guess it's the only thing anyone under 21 could do there. There is still no bouncer at the door.
10:40pm: The influx of people at Clancy's is increasing, and so is the discomfort of seeing more and more people I went to High School with, but haven't talked to in more than 4 years. I feel obligated to say hi, but doing so leads to disturbing small talk. I ordered another beer to meet the $10 minimum, chug it, and walk out the door with my buddy. We walk back to his house to play FIFA 13 while talking about the lackluster experience at the bar. Drinks weren't that cheap, there is not much to do, but the locals seemed to be having a good time playing pool, throwing darts, and conversing about relevant Seal Beach topics.
11:25pm: One of our friends calls me, interrupting the fierce FIFA match, and asks if we are still bar-hopping in Seal Beach. He mentions Clancy's wasn't that great and wants to go somewhere else. I guess Clancy's isn't really the place to go on a Thursday night.
Reno Room (3400 E Broadway Long Beach)
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8:10pm: I walk in and saunter up to the bar with the class and sophistication that a place this refined deserves. That is to say, I nervously looked around and squeaked out an excuse me to the guy in front of me (who looked like an extra from Sons of Anarchy) and ordered a Maker's Mark and Coke.
8:30pm: I am back for another, my $6 on the bar, because damn these are good, and the bartender is really generous with her pouring. It was like ¾ Maker's Mark to ¼ Coke.
9:30pm: I have finished my third drink and am onto my fourth. I am discussing the merits of Perfect Communism with Sons of Anarchy guy, while I write my notes down on cocktail napkins.
9:35pm: Frank has asked me what I am doing, and I told him I'm writing a line-by-line review of the bar for the newspaper I work at. He wants me to quote him in my article. "Hey students of CSULB, Frank here. Have a good semester." –Frank Nillsonn
10:10pm: Frank just left with a woman he was flirting with, though she might be a prostitute. He was a bit cagey on that small detail. I'm hungry now, so I think I'll go around the corner into the ADJOINING TACO STAND. That's right Cal State. You can get tacos without even going outside. Talk about convenience.
10:40pm: I am spending a few minutes appreciating the three paintings on the walls, and it is DEFINITELY NOT because they are oil paintings of barely clothed women [Editor's Note: It absolutely is].
10:50pm: I feel that I should make mention of their Happy Hour before I leave this place, because it is one of the better ones I have run into provided you're out on a weekday. Monday through Friday from 3-7p.m. domestic beer and well drinks are $2.75, and if you're there during SUPER Happy Hour (4-5p.m.) they are only $2.
11:00pm: I am vacating the premises, because the woman Frank left with is back and she just propositioned me, saying, "I wanna find out if you're as big as your friend was." I politely replied in perfectly clear Drunkenese, "Madame, I have half a mind to find out myself. The sober half, on the other hand, already knows the answer." I quickly settled my tab and absconded with my dignity intact.
Red Room (1227 E 4th St, Long Beach)
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12:45am: Been looking for parking for 45 minutes. This is the worst. 12:50am: Finally found parking, but it was at a price. Some guy decided to pee on his front yard as we were walking past. :(
12:54am: The sign on the door says "Were Open." I guess I'm not going to get in.
12:55am: Matt the Bouncer is a sweetheart. He complimented my t-shirt, took a picture of it, and didn't even go near my butt.
12:56am: There are so many fucking people in here.
12:58am: The asshole standing next to me is trying really hard to lay his best game on a disinterested girl.
12:59am: I guess it's not that this place is full; it's just really small. This tarp-covered pool table in the center certainly doesn't help.
1:06am: The asshole guy just yelled, "You ease my soul" with the greatest conviction. 1:09am: Loud, but it's mostly a young crowd. Some girl is rubbing her nose on a guy, but not in the cute way.
1:10am: Still full.
1:12am: One spikey-haired douche walked in and everyone moved out of the way. He probably smells like shit.
1:12am: Watching drunken people with no rhythm dance is a gift.
1:14am: Bartender shouts "It's Mimi's birthday," (or maybe it was Vinny) and the whole bar breaks into song. "Electric Feel" starts playing afterward.
1:15am: Cheapest beer is two fifty. It's a Tecate. The beer tastes like shit. 1:17am: Mike the Bouncer doubles as Mike the Table Clearer.
1:18am: All screens are set to skate videos and the walls are lined with skateboards. Oh, there's a skate motif! Now it all makes sense.
1:20am: Listening to Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" in a bar really puts the song in perspective.
1:24am: No one is obnoxiously drunk, but that may be due to the fact that they can't move very much. There's a guy shuffling and a dude that looks like Eddie Vedder ten years ago.
1:25am: Bartender shouts last call, so I decide to leave. A drunk girl outside the bar tells a guy how much she loves him, but is interrupted by another dude yelling, "Brotha!" So good.
Fern's Cocktails (1253 E 4th St, Long Beach)
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9:05pm: My friend and I had to park a couple blocks away from Fern's Cocktails because there was absolutely no parking around the bar. Two sketchy-looking individuals that were having a conversation outside their housing complex go back inside upon seeing me pull up and park.
9:10pm: The entrance facing 4th Street is locked, so I walked around the venue (I guess you can call it that since there is a live band there) and walk through the back door. By the way, no bouncer there before
9:30pm; it's a recent high-school graduate's paradise. 9:20pm: After waiting a long time to buy my drink, I finally get a giant mug of beer that cost me $3. Pretty good deal. They do ask for your ID though, so never mind my note about Fern's being a good spot for minors.
9:25pm: Apparently long wait times are common at Fern's. We see an old friend here, and she is complaining about the same thing as we get together to find a couple vacant stools and watch the live band that is playing there.
9:30pm: The band just got done playing their first two songs, and they are great. I am glad I made it here. The only annoying thing is that I have to move every two minutes for some older locals that are playing pool.
10:15pm: The band takes a break after a pretty solid set. We all go outside to... uhm... talk a little bit.
10:35pm: We go back in, and this time are asked to show IDs. The band starts playing again (I guess they have until 11:30pm to play, which is cool).
10:40pm: The bar is busier now, there are two bartenders instead of just one and they are serving $1 beers. I ask for their dollar beer, only to hear a heartbreaking reply: "The Busch is not cold yet." I don't know what Busch is, so I'm glad I couldn't order it.
11:20pm: My years are ringing pretty bad. The atmosphere is pretty lively, the bouncer that was working outside is now inside drinking with everyone else as the band walks through the three pool tables to bring their equipment back to the car.
12:45am: Fern's is cool, but the fact that I have class at
8:00am tomorrow is enough to convince me to leave. My friend and I drove back (she wasn't drinking) as we talked about how Fern's was actually worth it.
Liquid Lounge (3522 E Anaheim St, Long Beach)
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10:57pm: Walk into the bar. Order a Pabst.
11:03pm: Walk to the back to play ping pong. Group of people talking about Tyler Perry's move to serious actor. Begin what is to be my total domination of ping pong.
11:17pm: I lose three consecutive games of ping pong. Drunk girl is genuinely surprised and says "it was probably just an off day."
11:26pm: Couple in the back of the bar reenact the scene from Irreversible.
11:30pm: Impractical Jokers comes on TV. Somebody turns off the TV because "This is fucking stupid."
11:48pm: Guy named Mark comes and starts talking to us. He tries his best to convince us he's drunk but fails miserably.
11:56pm: Mark makes a joke about wanting cocaine. Mark then promptly asks us for cocaine.
12:03am: My friend procedes to womp Mark in a very lopsided and sad excuse for a ping pong game.
12:22am: We go inside to the pool tables. Mark beelines for the pinball table, completing what might have been the saddest night of his life.
12:41am: We then begin a game of pool.
12:42am: I find out one of my friends is a secret poolshark. My hatred for him grows.
1:12am: We down a couple more beers before leaving. Another successful night at the Liquid Lounge
The Interlude (1710 Clark Ave, Long Beach)
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1:35am: As I walked in some guy yelled, "I think it's last call, don't give them anything." He was ignored.
1:36am: It's an older crowd. The Lady bartender is the best kind of grizzled and very friendly. Guy bartender laughs at everything. I wonder if they're an item.
1:38am: I really like the Tiki motif lit up by Christmas lights.
1:43am: Saw Blue Man Foo from LMFAO and Larry the Cable Guy selling Prilosec during a tennis match on the flatscreen. I forget they were real people.
1:47am: Big blonde woman squealing over White Russian.
1:50am: They are really generous with the alcohol for the mixed drinks.
1:51am: I just realized I didn't get carded. Oh shit. I'm an adult now. I guess that means no more cereal for dinner.
1:55am: Some guy was being a dick and started yelling. I guess he was on the phone. Someone told him to shut the fuck up. Good. I like this bar.
1:56am: About the drunk guy, Lady Bartender utters, "honest to God bad news," and I almost spit my beer out. I'm pretty drunk.
2:02am: This is the grossest bathroom I've ever been in in my life. There are marks near the doorknob where people with dirty fingernails have missed the knob. I don't know how it is possible to have nails that dirty.
2:05am: They're asking everyone to bring their glasses to the bar, time to go. This place is really relaxed; I can see the appeal...
Kids Corner
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Not being 21 in college can be a bit stifling on your social life. It sucks staying at home while all your friends are at bars. Sure you could get around it with fake IDs, getting a friend to sneak you in, or paying the bouncer, but it's a hassle to do that stuff. Even though dives are an option since sometimes you can get in before anyone notices or cards you, you're not really getting the great experience that you hear about from all you friends by standing around a bunch of 40 year-olds that drink way more than they should and rack up all those sweet, sweet DUIs. Dives don't give you the experience you want and you shouldn't run the risk of going to jail for something that can wait. I have a solution if you're really anxious to get the bar feel: go to a bar that's a restaurant during the day. You can skip all the dirt and grime and ass smell you get with a dive or shitty bar and get to spend your last years as a teenager a little classier. Build up the list of great bars in your favorite city and make your first legal drink a thing. A fun thing. Sure you won't be able to drink as much, but if you're really looking to drink you can always just ask some creep outside the 7-11 to buy you a case of something cheap. Loser. Here's an example of a great bar that allows younger clientele earlier in the day: The Pike Bar and Grill. Probably the best burgers I've ever had. The thick cut fries are delicious. Everything on the menu is great. The jukebox has an awesome selection of punk rock and metal songs. If it were up to me, and not my wallet, I would eat at the Pike everyday. Just go and find out how awesome that place is.
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