Gene Simmons Applies To Be A “cosmetics Rockstar”

from the tumblr ROCKSTARJOBS where rockstars apply to “Rockstar” job postings.

Dear woman,
I am writing to inquire about the Retail Rockstar position in Cosmetics and Make-up. For several decades I mastered the use of cosmetics and make-up in live performances and televised appearances with my rock group, KISS. I became especially good at using make-up to create the appearance of a widow’s peak. To be honest, I have no formal training because I was too busy touring for the last 35+ years to have ever been employed full time at a cosmetic house, or whatever you women call it.

In a certain light I have much more than the required 3 years of experience with luxury consumer goods as I have overseen the production of such luxury items as condoms, caskets, and beach towels. I can assure you that some of my greatest passions in life include beauty, spas and skin. I have spent my life consistently meeting and exceeding goals and expectations. But I must ask if sex with customers is forbidden? If so, we might not be a good match.

I am very skilled at working with a team environment. I am great at compromises, such as having each team member record a solo record in which to see whose sells better. I am eager to learn and am excellent at lasting relationships, assuming there is not a ring involved. And, regardless of your policy, I will be having sex with customers.

Flexible? Yes. Dependable? Sure. Love of retail? Absolutely. Also, I’m probably the only real Rockstar applying so I will see on Monday!

Forever in Satan’s Service,

Gene Simmons / Via

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