back to top

We’ve updated our privacy notice and cookie policy. Learn more about cookies, including how to disable them, and find out how we collect your personal data and what we use it for.


Gene Simmons Applies To Be A "cosmetics Rockstar"

from the tumblr ROCKSTARJOBS where rockstars apply to "Rockstar" job postings.

Posted on

Dear woman,

I am writing to inquire about the Retail Rockstar position in Cosmetics and Make-up. For several decades I mastered the use of cosmetics and make-up in live performances and televised appearances with my rock group, KISS. I became especially good at using make-up to create the appearance of a widow's peak. To be honest, I have no formal training because I was too busy touring for the last 35+ years to have ever been employed full time at a cosmetic house, or whatever you women call it.

In a certain light I have much more than the required 3 years of experience with luxury consumer goods as I have overseen the production of such luxury items as condoms, caskets, and beach towels. I can assure you that some of my greatest passions in life include beauty, spas and skin. I have spent my life consistently meeting and exceeding goals and expectations. But I must ask if sex with customers is forbidden? If so, we might not be a good match.

I am very skilled at working with a team environment. I am great at compromises, such as having each team member record a solo record in which to see whose sells better. I am eager to learn and am excellent at lasting relationships, assuming there is not a ring involved. And, regardless of your policy, I will be having sex with customers.

Flexible? Yes. Dependable? Sure. Love of retail? Absolutely. Also, I'm probably the only real Rockstar applying so I will see on Monday!

Forever in Satan's Service,

Gene Simmons

This post was created by a member of BuzzFeed Community, where anyone can post awesome lists and creations. Learn more or post your buzz!