Chronicles of Peyton vs Baby Food
Crying baby is hungry. Sweet potatoes and oatmeal is her favorite. This should be easy thinks Mom with sleep adled brain. First spoonful approaches baby's mouth open with anticipation. Mom's hopes soar. Toddler roars through the kitchen with dump truck in one hand and monster truck in the other causing baby to jerk her head towards the sound. Second spoonful crashes into baby's cheek. Mom is temporarily proud of herself for having the foresight to anticipate this and put the wipeable catch all bib on the baby. Mom sees this is going to be yet another long feeding and heads for the coffee maker, pouring a steaming hot cup of Joe for herself. Returns to table in good spirits. Grinning baby accepts 3rd spoonful making mom smile. Happy baby then ppppffffffbbbbssssstttttt that 3rd spoonful back on mom to show affection. Mom curses herself for putting on a clean shirt prior to feeding baby. Takes a sip of hot coffee and a deep breath. 4th, 5th and 6th spoonfuls are uneventful and mom stops to offer quick prayer of gratitude to the Lord. 7th spoonful approaches a closed mouth, so mom backs it up and tries the Choo Choo train. Baby giggles and then promptly sneezes into the spoonful causing sweet potatoes and oatmeal to mimic the Mount St Helens eruption of 2008. Mom carefully wipes oatmeal out of left eye, smearing the mascara she was so proud of herself for applying this morning in her small attempt to not look like a complete hobo. Mom takes sip of cold coffee, winces and heads to the microwave to reheat, taking a moment to regroup. Mom heads back to table as baby is making finger art out of that 7th spoonful of snotty sweet potatoes and oatmeal. Mom takes a sip of hot coffee and smiles, reminding herself how grateful she is for her happy healthy baby. 8th spoonful is a breeze, 9th spoonful requires the choo choo, 10th spoonful is intercepted by the cutest tiny chubby fingers God ever gave a baby and you curse every single childless woman in her 20s, not really even knowing why. Mom takes sip of luke warm coffee and attempts to wipe baby's face. Mistake. Baby was enjoying the sweet potato oatmeal mask and is now pissed. Mom sums up the courage to feed baby 11th spoonful knowing it won't bode well with crying baby. 11th spoonful is struck by baby's flailing hand and shoots missile like across the kitchen landing inches from toddlers dumptruck. Knowing that sweet potatoes and oatmeal will soon be loaded into the back of said dumptruck and be headed for the carpeted living room, mom jumps up tripping over the leg of kitchen chair scrambling for the dish rag to wipe up spill before toddler notices. Mission accomplished and mom sighs in relief! Mom approaches amused baby while rubbing sore kneecap and reaches for cold coffee to attempt a reheat. 30 second mental pep talk while coffee reheats. I got this, mom foolishly tells herself as she sits again with blissfully hot coffee. Burns tongue, holy crapola ouch!!!! Accidentally hit 1 min instead of 30 seconds. Reaches for bowl of sweet potatoes and oatmeal only to find it missing. Mom frantically searches for bowl only to realize in her haste to clean up previous mess, she left said bowl too close to baby's unusually long arms.... a feeling of nausea starts to creep in. Mom dejectedly goes back for dish rag, knowing she would be too lucky to have the bowl upturned on the kitchen's tile floor, so without even looking she grabs the upholstery cleaner (which is a staple in a house with 4 kids) and heads to kitchen chair closest to baby, finding bowl on it's side, oatmeal and unfortunate orange sweet potatoes spilling out onto seat cushion. At least half is still in bowl, so feeding recommences. 12th spoonful is half accepted by now disgruntled baby. 13th spoonful is caught by bib as baby promptly closes mouth allowing no entry. Mom chugs cold coffee wishing for something stronger but knowing 7:30am is too early. 14th spoonful mom decides against prying baby's jaws open, tries choo choo, airplane, and is finally allowed entry with boogity boogity boo. 15th spoonful brings tears, both from mom and baby, and that's when mom surrenders accepting defeat. Breakfast is totally over. Mom performs nothing short of a miracle by getting 95% of sweet potato oatmeal mash off flailing baby's face/hair, and releases baby from high chair noticing a smell so foul her eyes start to water. That's when the wet sensation hits her through her sweet potato stained shirt and she realizes baby has pooped straight through diaper and adorable purple outfit. Jocelyn Bundy
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