1.

2.
Don't become an academic. Just kidding. But seriously, stay out of my field.
3.
Two academics walk into a bar. You should be writing.
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5.
I may disapprove of what you say but will defend to the death your right to say it after peer review.
6.
With great academic responsibility often comes a surprisingly limited amount of academic power.
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8.
Correlation does not equal causation. Unless it does, in which case that expensive longitudinal study was probably unnecessary.
9.
Successful academic writing: 1% inspiration 12.51% perseveration 13% omission 30% citation 50% procrastination 90% nonnegotiable deadlines
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11.
We wish to thank Reviewer 2 for their critical feedback & sincerely apologize for not having written the manuscript they would have written.
12.
It's not self-plagiarism. It's an implicit acknowledgment that one cannot improve upon perfection.
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14.
"I'm opening an academic-publishing-themed restaurant. You bring the ingredients & get volunteers to cook & serve. Now pay me $10,000." @xor
15.
Unpack it a bit.
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17.
You had me at "I read your most recent paper."
18.
Best,
19.
