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92 Thoughts You Have Every Time You Go To Waitrose

Are you supposed to eat, drink, or smoke "mojito chicken cigarillos"?

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1. OMG a Waitrose!

2. There aren't any Waitroses near where I live.

3. It's one of those places that always lives on the cusp of getting a Waitrose.

4. Like a Waitrose will fix everything else crap in the area.

5. But srs, I love Waitrose.

6. Tesco is literally just over there though, and I only need eggs.

7. Oh, I'll just go in for a few minutes.

8. Ooh, a display purely for a new range of raspberry vinaigrette.

9. What even is raspberry vinaigrette?

10. Sounds like something you drizzle.

11. You only ever drizzle posh stuff don't you?

12. I don't think anyone's ever "lightly drizzled" ketchup over their curly fries and beans.

13. God, everyone here is so middle class.

14. Wait – an actual Heston Blumenthal sandwich range?

15. I absolutely love Heston.

16. None of these sound very Blumenthal-y to me.

17. I'd expect to bite into them and for it to suddenly be an ice cream, at least.

18. I'm actually really disappointed by these sandwiches

19. It's no M&S sandwich range, that's for sure.

20. It's not even lunchtime, stop it.

21. That pineapple's only £3.

22. Waitrose is actually pretty reasonably priced.

23. Wait, how much are pineapples usually?

24. Hold on, it's two for £4.

25. Do I need two pineapples?


26. I definitely don't ~need~ two pineapples.

27. But it's more cost-effective to get two.

28. Yes, just the two melons, only £4.

29. Bargain.

30. People who think Waitrose is expensive clearly just aren't as good at finding deals as I am.

31. Anyway, I need eggs. Where are eggs?

32. I'm just here to get eggs, I don't need to...


34. I love the delicatessen aisle.

35. How is it possible that there are people that exist who need a whole delicatessen aisle in their supermarket?

36. It is such a ridic… Hold on, falafel?

37. Spinach falafel? SWEET POTATO FALAFEL?

38. WTF is a "mojito chicken cigarillo"?

39. Am I supposed to eat, drink, or smoke it?

40. But still. I should get maybe three of those.

41. I am so classy right now.

42. I never even realised hummus came in so many flavours.

43. Imagine if you had a fridge full of every flavoured hummus.

44. God, get better dreams.

45. Right, eggs.

46. It's definitely worth getting Waitrose eggs.

47. They do ruin other eggs for you though.

48. What if I can never go back to plain old Happy Eggs ever again?

49. What's that smell?

50. Oh god...

51. ...the bakery.

52. Maybe I should just stand here and smell everything for a while.

53. That's not creepy or weird.

54. No, kind Waitrose lady, I don't need anything.

55. Or perhaps, on a much more real level – I need everything.

56. I bet that baguette would crunch soooo nicely.

57. "Essential" foccaccia lol.

58. Bet they've got "essential" caviar if I looked hard enough.


59. OOOH, cheese samples.

60. You've got this, you can do this.

61. Just wander over there nonchalantly and inspect the cheese.

62. Hmmm, yes, Roquefort, aged Brie…

63. Now act surprised that there's a cheese sample.

64. "Why, yes, I suppose, since I am here, a grown-up customer at Waitrose, inspecting the £14 portions of cheese, I may as well take this small cube…"

65. Linger…linger…linger…

66. OK, nod politely at the cheesemonger and get out of there.

67. Well done. You survived. That was amazing cheese, maybe I should get a wheel or two...

68. No – control yourself.

69. That woman is literally wearing a fox around her neck.

70. I'm going to walk straight through the ready-made dinners section.

71. When I'm rich though, I'll eat these all the time.

72. Maybe I'll just get three for £6 – such a bargain!

73. Right.

74. How long have I been here?

75. I should leave.

76. Everything is so nice here though.

77. Nothing bad ever happens in a Waitrose.

78. OK, just scan everything through.

79. Ignore the total.

80. Ignore the total.

81. Ignore th... FUCK, HOW MUCH?!

82. Oh god. She's given me one of those green chips.

83. How am I supposed to pick between a mental health charity, a community centre, AND A DOG'S HOME?

84. This is torture.

85. Is anyone watching me? OK, just pick one.

86. Easiest to pick the one with the most chips in.

87. Just go with the people.

88. Finally left.

89. Cannot believe I spent so much.



92. FFS Waitrose.