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The Truth Behind Your Favorite Food Mascots

Five people desperately try to explain the cartoons that sell us food. You know Chester Cheetah totally vapes.

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The Jolly Green Giant

General Mills / Via greengiant.com

Jean-Luc: Is that his name or his nickname I wonder. Because terrible, if either.

Chelsea: Sexy legs, probs does a lot of lunges and shit.

Grace: So in his world the ground is made of his flesh, I guess?

Jean-Luc: How many farm hands do you think he's killed just walking around?

Joanna: He obviously cannot sit down in that outfit.

Alexis: I've been wondering a lot about cartoon dicks this week and I stand by my line of questioning when I wonder where the dick's at.

Grace: Yeah that was my first question. If he has a dick, how’s he hiding it?

Jean-Luc: He's got a great dancer body.

Joanna: Is he made of vegetable?

Mr. Peanut

Kraft Foods / Via planters.com

Joanna: Why is he so fancy?

Jean-Luc: Mr. Peanut dresses for the job he wants, which is president of the Fancy Nuts Club.

Alexis: He sells other peanuts to people to eat.

Grace: Is the cane for walking or dancing?

Jean-Luc: I wish so badly one day that I was rich enough to own a hat that FUCKING HAD MY NAME ON IT.

Joanna: I just feel like he thinks he's better than me.

Chelsea: Mr. Peanut doesn't live by your rules.

Alexis: He wears SPATS for fuck's sake.

Jean-Luc: I like that Mr. Peanut has one bad eye.

Joanna: What happened to him? Did he get in a nut fight and lose one of his peanut eyes? What aggressive nut attacked him? An almond?

Kool-Aid Man

Kraft Foods

Grace: Well, first of all, I'll just say it. That's blood.

Chelsea: It's definitely blood.

Joanna: So he's a big pitcher of blood.

Chelsea: He's just walking around with an open wound

Alexis: His nose and his eyes are the same.

Jean-Luc: His four fingered hands.

Joanna: Do we think he abuses steroids?

Jean-Luc: I'm never clear how tall he is. Is he like 8 feet tall?

Joanna: He is 80 feet tall.

Lucky the Leprechaun

General Mills

Alexis: Another time we're supposed to cheer on children who are trying to steal this man's life work.

Jean-Luc: He dresses like he lives in an old-timey London train station.

Chelsea: I feel like he was captured and this is what he's being forced to do until he pays off his debt.

Alexis: I think he lives a life of fear. When was the last time he slept? They're after his Lucky Charms.

Grace: I’ve definitely dated this guy.

Joanna: What's he like on a date?

Grace: Really paranoid. Couldn't hold a conversation.

Trix rabbit

Via amazon.com

Grace: First of all, calm down.

Jean-Luc: Look at his fucking eyebrows.

Alexis: Those kids were such dicks to him! Silly rabbit, food is for people. You're a dumb rabbit. We get cereal.

Joanna: Yeah, he needs some confidence.

Alexis: Although rabbits should probably not have sugary cereal so maybe they were saving his life?

Joanna: Honestly, those children were emotionally abusive.

Jean-Luc: He's constantly being told he's silly.

Grace: I imagine his room is just filled with newspaper clippings and giant hand drawn red Xs and maps. He is haunted by this quest to get the cereal.

Jean-Luc: Maybe he's more serious than they can ever imagine.

Joanna: I am legit worried about him.

Chelsea: I feel like he goes home every night and whispers, "BUT WHO MAKES RABBIT LAUGH?"

Count Chocula

General Mills

Joanna: Is he sure he shouldn't be eating blood?

Alexis: A single rabbit tooth—where are his fangs?

Jean-Luc: Right?

Alexis: Shitty chocolate vampire doesn't even have fangs.

Joanna: I wonder if he has a complex about being a non-threatening vampire.

Alexis: They emasculated this immortal king of the night for CEREAL.

Tony the Tiger

Kellog's / Via kelloggs.com

Jean-Luc: His mouth scares me.

Joanna: I feel like everything is wrong in his life and he's overcompensating by calling everything "grrrrrrrrreat!"

Jean-Luc: "I'm fine. This is fine."

Joanna: It's like, yeah, Tony, but are YOU grrrrreat?

Alexis: He juices. He's an exceptionally fit tiger.

Grace: He lifts.

Joanna: Swole as hell... did I use that right?

Jean-Luc: Pretty sure he could kill anyone he wanted to.

Grace: He's definitely eaten kids.

Joanna: I mean, it seems like a kid would be more nutritious for a tiger than sugar cereal.

Jean-Luc: There's definitely something sad in those eyes, right?

Alexis: Those eyes are saying "no" while the cereal show must go on.

Joanna: His mouth says "grrreat" and his eyes say "please kill me."

Chelsea: I feel like he's the Fabio of cereal mascots.

Grace: I could see myself having a sex dream about him.

Pillsbury Doughboy

General Mills

Jean-Luc: Actually a nightmare.

Joanna: I find him terrifying.

Chelsea: This is a literal nightmare.

Alexis: Hoo-hoo! *Cries self to sleep.*

Joanna: Like WHAT is he?

Alexis: Hoo-hoo! *Where did they put my parents?*

Grace: This is fucking horrifying.

Joanna: If I saw him IRL I would scream and cry.

Grace: It's the eyes. There's a deadness to them.

Jean-Luc: I'm so afraid of him crawling into me.

Alexis: Yeah I would slam that oven door shut and crank up the heat.

Joanna: 100% sure he's a demon.

Grace: Oh great, now I feel like I have them crawling all over me.

Joanna: Can you imagine waking up at 3 a.m. and hearing his giggle coming from inside the house?

Chelsea: 10/10 my dog would eat.

Alexis: If you took a rolling pin to him, would he scream?

Joanna: YOU CANNOT KILL HIM. HE LIVES FOREVER.

Toucan Sam

Kellog's / Via amazon.com

Grace: So sick of all these unrealistic body expectations.

Alexis: Very unrealistic bird goals.

Jean-Luc: Why is he swinging on a vine if he's a bird who can fly?

Chelsea: He's lazy af.

Joanna: I just wish I could tell him that most of life's problems can't be solved by following your nose.

Alexis: He was always kidnapping children and taking them to the frooty jungle.

Grace: Arrest this guy.

Joanna: The parents are like, "We can just get you this cereal from the store, you don't need to follow a bird into the jungle."

Grace: Also is he drawn to scale? Because that cereal looks HUGE. Is he a microbird?

Hamburger Helper Hand

Betty Crocker / Via bettycrocker.com

Jean-Luc: Jesus lord let him die.

Joanna: A disembodied hand should not be representing food.

Jean-Luc: "It's me, the hand who wants to die."

Chelsea: I always thought it was a glove. And people just shoved their hands up in him.

Joanna: Oh.

Chelsea: And that's where his sadness comes from.

Joanna: Do people really shove their hands up him?

Jean-Luc: Hope you have four fingers!

Alexis: When I was young I thought it was "handburger" because of him.

Joanna: It might as well be Handburger Helper.

Charlie Tuna

Via amazon.com

Grace: Nerd.

Jean-Luc: His slam poetry is rad.

Chelsea: He's your favorite high school English teacher.

Joanna: But he's definitely lending you books you don't want to read.

Jean-Luc: Always asking if you've read The Fountainhead.

Joanna: I can't tell what animal he's supposed to be?

Alexis: I guess it's a tuna. I just googled what tuna looks like.

Chelsea: Tuna with a lil' beret.

Grace: Is what his friends call him behind his back.

Joanna: Yeah I don't think any self respecting fish wears a beret.

Chelsea: He says "actually" a lot. Like he's the guy who tweets "actually" at women all day.

Joanna: He's mansplaining tuna all day long.

Jean-Luc: His hands are horrific.

Chelsea: They're useless.

Alexis: Like mitten fish hands. Why do people think that what makes mascots relatable is opposable thumbs?

Jean-Luc: Is his name StarKist?

Grace: His name is Chunk Light.

Jean-Luc: Chunk Heavy was his father.

Joanna: Chunk Light is the beer he brews in his bathtub.

Jean-Luc: How do his glasses stay on in the water?

Keebler Elves

Via keebler.com

Joanna: My first question is, are the elves free to leave the cookie tree whenever they please?

Jean-Luc: This is the old man I dont leave alone with my kids.

Joanna: Yeah I wouldn't want these elves around my kids.

Jean-Luc: He has tiny baby hands.

Chelsea: His handshake is very limp.

Grace: Elves have magic, right? What are his powers?

Joanna: His only power is making cookies and making people feel uncomfortable.

Alexis: When you visit the tree it's all coordinated dance moves and adorable capers but when you leave it's freaky tree stuff.

Cap'n Crunch

capncrunch.com

Alexis: Not actually a captain.

Jean-Luc: He's actually screaming.

Grace: Eyebrows!!! What the heck.

Chelsea: IS HE TRYING TO FORCE FEED ME??

Jean-Luc: He's going nuts.

Joanna: He was kicked out of the navy immediately.

Grace: Discharged because he would just not stop screaming.

Jean-Luc: Does he have pants?

Chelsea: Where do the eyebrows go?

Joanna: His eyebrows just fly away and leave his body whenever they please.

Chelsea: What's under his hat tho? Just tons of snakes under there.

Grace: Whispers to the hat snakes at night.

Alexis: Look at his face, there's like...stiff blue cloth up around his head? There is no jacket in the world that has that.

Joanna: His sideburns are made of jacket.

Jean-Luc: Crunchatize me....gulp.

Alexis: From whence does he derive the power of crunchatization?

Chester Cheetah

Frito Lay / Via fritolay.com

Joanna: This guy looks like he sells drugs to children.

Jean-Luc: I bought E from this dude.

Alexis: Take off the glasses. Show me your eyes, Chester.

Jean-Luc: Hobbes wannabe.

Alexis: What kind of cheetah wears sneakers and no pants, Chester?

Joanna: You come over to his house and he doesn't put on pants.

Alexis: He's dating a high schooler.

Jean-Luc: He vapes on the subway.

Joanna: He vapes 24 hours a day.

Chelsea: He gives unsolicited back rubs to ladies.

Grace: Any time you hang out with him you have to clean your house for hours because he gets Cheeto dust everywhere. You’re always like, “Uh….let’s meet at the park!"

Jean-Luc: "Um let's meet at the police station."

Vlasic Pickle Stork

vlasic.com

Alexis: He's a charming gentleman stork in a bow tie!

Grace: He’s just an old grandpa who doesnt know what he’s saying.

Jean-Luc: He has no idea why the company is called Vlasic.

Alexis: Just a cool, old bird dude with a jar of pickles and a generous spirit.

Joanna: So like, does he grow pot in his basement?

Grace: That’s actually a joint he’s holding.

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