How my best friend taught me to embrace change
My body was numb with pain as I entered my senior year of College at La Salle University. The world kept moving, classes started, work piled up, and professors called on me to answer questions about Politics and History, but I didn't hear them, I didn't hear anyone. The only voice I heard was my screaming, aching heart. There was only one topic, one question I could focus on, "Is my best friend really gone?"
I couldn't stand the pitiful gazes that washed over me on campus. One morning in November, I could not get out of bed. I kept the door locked all day and stared at the space Kate's bed should've been. I stared at her folded up clothes for hours. When I finally peeled myself out of bed that evening, I smothered my face with her make up. I put her make up on so I could feel her germs; her germs were the last living part. I put on her foundation and closed my eyes. My mind raced back to when I could feel her skin against mine. Kate always threw her arm around me and said, "dude, jillybeans, what would we do if we never met?!" When I put on her eyeliner, my mind flashed pictures of her bright blue eyes. They were so electric. When our eye contact locked, it facilitated the exchange of crazy dreams and aspirations. We spilled our dreams to each other every single day. And then I put her lipstick on. I remember everything that came out of her mouth….
"Jill, I knew the Penn marketing job was going to work out. I went in that interview and legit said, look Anira, this is me, this is what I love to do, this is what I am passionate about and want to do for the rest of my life, I want this."
"JILLLLLL!! Lets paint!!! I stopped at an art store after work and got a tablet, brushes, and paint, lets let our minds flow through color on paper, come on sit with me, paint. Who cares if we are 21, that doesn't mean we cant paint, ya weirdo."
"I want to make a mobile app, I want to write a book, I want to start my own business, I will be successful."
"The worlddd is ourrrrrr oyster!!!!"
"Ive been becoming very spiritual lately, where is that hot yoga place you went to? I wish I was a vampire so I could race through all the wilderness and feel free."
"I want to travel the world, I know you do too jill, where do you want to go first after we graduate?"
"Dude, this outfit is bangggggin, thanks for the outfit jill, thank god I ran into your closet freshmen year, remember when you put me in your big ass heels and tried to teach me how to walk in them? I still cant walk in heels, Im going to stick to wedges."
"I love you jill, you are seriously going to be my bestfriend for the rest of my life so lets start our own company, write a book or something, you can be the lawyer and I will be the business lady, lets do it!!"
I don't know if I was delusional from seclusion but a smile suddenly washed over my face. A light flicked on in my body. The windows were closed, the door was locked but I felt wind hit my face. I yelled, "Kate, is that you?" The air whispered in my ear,
"Jillian, you are still my best friend, I am still here, our dreams are still alive, and I'm still alive, just in a different way, I am free Jill, so you must free yourself from pain. When I had a physical body you learned everything about me, it is time you get to know me, as a ghost, your pain blinds you. Let go of the pain, use your imagination."
My question was answered; Kate isn't gone.
I picked myself up off the floor and danced on my puddle of tears. I danced with my best friend, I began to get to know her as a ghost that night. Tears of joy began to outweigh tears of pain. The wind in my room whispered again,
"I didn't quit on our dreams Jillian, God gave me another job. I paint the sky with color, I make sunflowers yellow, waves roll, and rain fall, I am in over a million different places at once, while being here with you, I work for the universe. Trust me, it is a lot better than sitting behind a computer screen all day. So it is up to you to write, thrive in society, and accomplish what we talked about. When my physical body was present, we planted the seeds of inspiration, desire, success, and creativity in each other. Make all of that grow, not for me, for both of us, for everyone. You had this in you when we met, we reflected each other, grew together, and we are still growing together."
I finally felt connected with Kate. We can't Instagram pictures together anymore, we can't sit across from each other and stuff our faces with "guac" and I can't watch her weird squatting dance move. But, I know she is still doing it, so why not dance with her? Why would I neglect my best friend?
This blog isn't about me, or Kate, or Kate and me. It's about how life is a constant change and we must mold change around us to cultivate happiness. Change is inevitable, especially when your twenty something. So don't be afraid to talk to yourself, wear weird clothing, read a lot, and tell people your point of view. If something bad has happened in your life, do not steer off course. Teach yourself to channel pain into something beautiful. Twentysomethingsmap is a guide made up of inspiration. Use this to steer your life, fuel desire, ideas, imagination, creativity, and expand your perspectives about the world. If you can't envision a person, idea, dream, or goal, it is not an excuse to disconnect your desire for them or it. It is a reason to find more out of life. Let's be weird, collaborate, imagine, dream, and offer each other pieces of direction so we can all map out a route of happiness. Keep in mind, a twentysomethingsmap does not have an end, its inspiration is endless.