I Gave A Guy The "Napoleon Dynamite Treatment" And He Didn't React So Well

Ever get tired of the nasty 2am booty call? I sure do! So I decided to have a little fun with my latest late-night suitor

It started out innocently enough

Who doesn't love some mustachieod emojis at 2am?

But then things start to get heated

No, please don't. Just stop texting me.

Family is brought into the mix

"LaFawnduh is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm 100% sure she's my soul mate."

Including the creepiest of creepy uncles

Really? Even while staring at this face? Baffling.

(Note: gross and graphic words blurred for your own good).

He's somehow still responding

And I'm starting to get caught up in the fun of googling Napoleon Dynamite characters

Tensions slowly rise

Mature? No, but neither are 2am booty calls

By this point, I was really enjoying the Napoleon Dynamite refresher

So I continued forth

Much to the angst of my unlucky suitor

Pulling out all the stops now...and remembering how amazing this movie is

Then the threats begin

Oops, looks like I took it one Napoleon Dynamite photo too far...now he's going to EMBARRASS me!

He whips out a Mean Girls-esque threat next

I'm terrified, really.

So I counter with two final classics...

and then doze off into peaceful slumber. BUT...it's not over yet.

I awoke to a furious, cursing voicemail from my scorned suitor and decided it was time to finish this off and unleash my righteous disbelief

I mean, really. Your sister? Was she going to spit in my fruit loops? Cut off my pigtails?? SPREAD A RUMOR ABOUT ME?!

(Note: I don't know his sister, so none of the above).

And Sam showed his true colors....

HOW COULD NAPOLEON MAKE ANYONE THIS ANGRY??

The moral of the story is: male entitlement is alive and well in this young bro! Reject a guy who booty calls you at 2am with humor and he'll call you a heinous f*g! Everyone knows you're obligated to hook up with any guy who asks...and if not, you're obviously UGLY.

Number blocked; life made better. Xoxox babe!!!