What Your Choice Of Night Out In Birmingham Really Says About You

If it's anywhere on Broad Street, it's not looking good for you...

1. The Rainbow Venues, Digbeth

Nothing says ‘I’m trying to escape the bonds of my oppressed middle class upbringing’ than getting coked off your face at one of Rainbow’s many eclectic rave nights. If you’re heading for a night out here, you’re not going to socialize – you’re there for a mental night of sweaty, repetitive beats and hedonism with your edgy crowd of mates.

2. Indi Bar, Arcadian

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You’re probably fifteen years old and using your older sibling’s ID if you’re partying it up at this place. Either that or you’re a student and mates with the DJ or one of those nightclub promoters. It’s not the worst place in the world if you enjoy watered down spirits and dancing like somebody who really does care too much about the way they look.

3. The Night Owl, Digbeth

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You’ve got to be really fucking alternative to come here, or just down right pathetic. It’s cool if you’re into that retro, run down atmosphere and don't mind getting groped by the middle aged men on a stag-do in the middle of the dancefloor. With a pretty sick mix of motown jams and 80s disco this place is definitely a fun, judgement free zone if you can get past the initial age gap differences of its attendees.

4. The Lost and Found

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Did somebody say cocktails? Did somebody say happy hour? Can we get a woop woop! This is an alternative night out for those seeking the finer things in life, and those desperate for likes on Instagram. Your drinks will look sick, and soon after you'll be sick, because the drinks in this place are strong AF. More of an after work/pre party crowd vibe going on here, but lots of fun to be had!

5. Bambu

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Just another sultry vibe joint for the horny buggers of Birmingham to ass grab and VK their way into the ultimate goal of the evening, and it isn’t to form life long friendships with the opposite sex. Oi oi.

6. Gatecrasher, Broad Street

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The infamous Gatecrasher has closed its doors now but if you have ever even set foot in this venue –you need to re-evaluate yourself, probably.

7. Island Bar

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Everybody's favorite tiki lounge of crushed hopes and dreams. This place usually attracts large groups of lads or gals and is the ultimate pre-sesh destination. It's cocktails aren't half bad if you can get past the initial shit-hole vibe of the place. Alright place, alright people occupy it.

8. Glee Club

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You are smart and cultured AF if you prefer to spend your evenings here rather than shotting sambucca and getting grinded on at some club. All jokes aside, (yes that was a pun) this comedy joint is great if you're after a relaxed night of laughs and entertainment. You are still probably a glorified millennial if you go here, though.

9. Players, Broad Street

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Just a standard club for standard people under the age of 25. If this is your go-to club then you probably think Justin Bieber is coming out with some PROPER BANGERZ lately and you're probably there for at least one of three things 1. To have a mental night with the lads 2. To get laid and 3. To celebrate your 18th birthday.

10. Nuvo Cocktail Bar and Lounge

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If you’re not a footballer then you’re just a wannabe baller who wants to shuffle the night away sipping Moet and getting the grey goose in. Nuvo is great if you’ve got cash to splash and an ego to match – the guys will be well dressed and on the prowl whilst the girls will be in their best glad-rags, trying hard not to trip over in their 6inch heels.

11. Nightingale, Hurst Street

The very best that the Birmingham gay scene has to offer – you’ll never have a shit night here. If you’re a regular visitor to Gales then you’re probably pretty fun, doesn’t take themselves too seriously and is up for getting monumentally smashed without the guilt or judgement of people around you!

12. Mechu, Summer Row

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The kind of place where you’re not allowed to wear trainers but are allowed to chunder in the smoking area without anyone batting an eyelid. It’s like any normal club except its filled disillusionment and entitlement. Mechu would be alright if it accepted that it’s still just a sweaty nightclub playing repetitive chart music. If you’re a male attendee you probably like to wear crisp, pink shirts and sip champagne like the absolute legend you are. If you’re a female you are basically the same. Don’t get me wrong, it can be an average, decent night out – just please stop pretending its classy.

13. Tunnel Club, Jewellery Quarter

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Originally known as Subway City, famous for its infamous 90s night – this place is the tame answer to the drug dens of Digbeth. You probably still think tie dye is an acceptable outfit choice for a night out, or that choker’s make you look like a 90s grunge princess. You are not the worst kind of human being and yes you can still rap the entire verse of Sum 41’s ‘Fat Lip’, but there are better choices out there.

14. Popworld, Broad Street

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People will judge you, people will turn their backs on and pretend that they don't even know you - when you say "I bloody love Popworld" - but who cares? This place is one big pile of cheese topped off with pop classics and jagerbombs. You are the kind of person who has no ragrets and cares not what people think of you. You're just there to slut drop to Britney and to re-enact your primary school routine of Backstreet Boys 'Everybody' for the whole club to see. You go girl!

15. The Jam House

You are the chosen few...the experts of the night...the cool cats of Birmingham. You know how to get down to rhythm n blues, and you know how to do it without making a complete and utter tit of yourself. You are the itchy feet kings and queens of the Bham city center's alternative club scene - and we salute you!

16. SNOBS

You are the greatest clubbers of them all, because you probably don’t even really like clubbing. You are ultimately the shadows of generation X, taking solace in good music and a pretty great atmosphere. You miss the old snobs and you shed a tear whenever you pass by the scaffolding palace of wonder. The new snobs is alright, but you know it’ll never have the same magic – still, you’re the right kind of indie pretentiousness that pays money to keep the place going.

Rest in peace, sweet angel...

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