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21 Gifts The Most Pretentious Person You Know Will Love

Whether that pretension is literary, gastronomic, or generalized.

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3. A finger puppet/refrigerator magnet of their favorite historical thinker (because who better to hold up their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons that Nietzsche?).

amazon.com

A ton great scientists, writers, and philosophers (and also Schrodinger's cat) are available. They are adorable and I want each and every one.

Get them from Amazon for $8.99 or from the Unemployed Philosophers Guild for $6.95.

6. An AeroPress, AKA the last word in informed coffee brewing.

amazon.com

Does it look like a penis pump? Sure does. Is it the fastest and easiest way to make an incredible cup of coffee at home? According to over 3,000 Amazon reviewers, absolutely.

Studies have found that 87% of pretentious people simply will not shut up about coffee. And by "studies" I mean "trust me, I've been to a lot of poetry readings."

Get it from Amazon for $29.95.

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7. A gift box of three coffee blends from Blue Bottle, a store beloved by coffee snobs and chicory aficionados alike.

bluebottlecoffee.com

If you're feeling especially generous, you could even spring for a subscription.

Get a gift box of three six ounce bags from Blue Bottle for $35. Subscriptions start at $13.50/shipment.

9. A decanter that will improve the taste of wine and the look of a table.

amazon.com

If you want to further delight your pretentious loved one, you could ask them to explain to you why wines taste better when aerated.

Get it from Amazon for $37.95.

11. A classic lit t-shirt, so they can let the world know they're hella literate.

outofprintclothing.com, outofprintclothing.com

These are ideal for wearing in Tinder profile pics, among other things.

Get t-shirts featuring a variety of book covers from Out of Print Clothing for $28 (available in sizes S–XXL).

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12. Vintage French apothecary jars, which... need I say more?

food52.com

Remember that episode of "Friends" where Rachel buys that apothecary table from Pottery Barn and then has to convince Phoebe that it's vintage?

Well, these are actually vintage. Maybe don't mention that episode of Friends to your pretentious loved one, though. Mention Twin Peaks instead.

Get a set of three jars from Food52 for $25.

13. A grow-your-own-mushrooms log to get them one step closer to the farm(/log)-to-table dream.

food52.com

They're inoculated with spores! Coooooool. (Oh hey, in case you haven't figured it out by now, I am also sort of pretentious.)

Get a shiitake or oyster mushroom log from Food25 for $30.

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18. A portable cassette player/USB converter, for anyone whose pretension takes the form of bragging about their stash of mix tapes.

amazon.com

They can convert tapes to MP3s, or just use it as a now-discontinued tape-playing device that for legal reasons I'll refer to as an Ambleguy.

Get it from Amazon for $26.99 or from Jet for $24.99.

19. An annotated edition of Ulysses, for a gift that's also a gauntlet.

ucpress.edu

Depending on the level of pretension we're dealing with, the annotations could be either a helpful tool or a sick burn! (This is just the annotations, but you can get a Kindle version of the text itself for free.)

Get it from Amazon for $31.43 or from Barnes & Noble for $20.08+.

20. A set of the official whiskey glasses of every distillery in Scotland, for the discerning single-malt sipper.

amazon.com

I like my alcohol like I like my men: aged in barrels.

Get a set of four from Amazon for $25.50 or from Jet for $24.69, or a set of two from Amazon for $12.94.

21. Literary tattoos that are temporary, like their affinity for The Catcher in the Rye.

chroniclebooks.com, amazon.com

Think of it this way: these might prevent regrettable permanent tattoos down the line.

Get them from Amazon for $9.39 or from Barnes & Noble for $9.55.

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