10 Signs You Might Be A Cyber Masochist

Do you find yourself scrolling with excitement to comment sections, sometimes even before finishing an article? If you, like me, are a cyber masochist, chances are that you have cleverly convinced yourself that you just want to educate yourself on other people’s perspectives, but who are you kidding? There’s only one perspective that you’re interested in reading, and that is the one that’s completely contrary to your own. You want to read the most ignorant, insane, illogical, devoid of intelligence, soul-crushingly backwards comment, so that you, and your sick little cyber masochist mind, can sink into a self-righteous funk which only copious amounts of Neil deGrasse Tyson quotes and baby kitten videos can drag you out of. I’m not saying that anyone who reads the comment sections of articles is a masochist, but it is one of several indications that you might be. For a full diagnostic test, consider the following 10 signs your WebM.D. list of symptoms which you can use to recklessly diagnose yourself like you’re a twenty-something without health insurance.

1. The Instamasochist

Via ibnlive.in.com

Do you still follow the Instagram of that girl who posts nine selfies a day, just for the priceless one-liners you mutter to yourself while scrolling through her pictures? Oh, good, another bathroom pic of you and your besties doing the duck-face. Are you by chance the all-basic-girl Flock of Seagulls cover band, Flock of Mallards? How I wish I could Duck Dynasty you off of my Instagram.

Oh, but, you can. So, why don't you? Could it be that you're a... Wait, first answer this:

2. The "This Is Not News" Masochist

Via bobritzema.wordpress.com

Have you ever clicked on a link to an article about the Kardashians, Justin Bieber, or Miley Cyrus knowing full well you’d hate whatever it said?

If so, this maybe more serious than you thought.

3. The Facebook Masochist

iStockphoto/Brent Holland

Do you still have your EX-significant other on Facebook? There’s nothing inherently masochistic about this if you do; unless, of course, you find yourself lurking on their page at three in the morning for no other reason than to mock the mysterious new person in all of their photos. Is she wearing a sweater? It’s been 80 degrees all week. Who does this chihuahua think she is? Bill Cosby? Nobody wears sweaters like Bill Cosby. Nobody! *begins slow sob*

Yeah...that's a symptom.

4. The Spoiler Masochist

The season finale of your favorite show was on last night. You didn’t watch it, but you recorded it on your DVR. Do you use any form of social media in the meantime? Walter White is what?! Consider yourself #5 on my hit list of spoilers @breakingbadFANatic. You’re #dead

You have no one to blame but yourself.

5. The Grammar Masochist

Via pixgood.com

Do you have a Twitter account in spite of also having a high regard for proper grammar and the correct spelling of words? Ouch, my braincells.

6. The Downvote Masochist

Via memeguy.com

You’re perusing the Reddit comment feed when you come across a comment that has received so many down votes, it’s hidden from view. All of the comments below it reveal the disgust of popular opinion. Do you click on it anyways? It can’t possibly be worse than what I’m imagin—Nope, yep, that was worse. Definitely worse.

Curiosity killed your hope for humanity, and you relished in every second of it.

7. The Vague Status Masochist

Via quickmeme.com

Do you refuse to unfriend people who post vague statuses like, “Maybe he forgot what a treasure he had?” I hope you’re referring to an amnesiac pirate, and not your EX-boyfriend. You know what no guy has ever missed? A girl that refers to herself as a treasure.

I bet you even read the predictable comments below it—the concerned series of question marks, the touching sad face emoji, the inevitable “call me if you need to talk, boo”—all while screaming, “She only posted this to get attention, you peons!” You have a problem.

8. The Blog Maschochist

Via fearfuladventurer.com

Do you follow at least one lifestyle blog of a person whose lifestyle you adamantly despise? Talulah is doing the weekend in Spain with her lover, and recommends traveling to all 20-somethings. Yes, why don’t I do weekends in Spain with my lover? Oh, yeah, because tonight I ran out of marinara sauce and had to decide between eating dry spaghetti noodles or going broke to buy another jar. This may also explain my lack of lovers.

9. The Tumblr Masochist

Via 02varvara.wordpress.com

You have a 10-page paper due by midnight. Do you go on Tumblr? It’s only 8 o’clock, I have plenty of time. I’ll just go on for a minute. (Several hours of scroll induced blackout later...) Well, that was a good break. What time is—Oh, my god! I have five minutes left to finish my paper!

10. The Commenter Masochist

Via sandiegofamilychiropractic.com

You’ve just read an adorable little article about an 8-year-old girl who overcame cancer with the help of her pet gerbil. The comment feed below has sparked an intense debate over whether or not President Obama did indeed give her cancer in the first place. Do you comment? It’s just so wrong. Maybe if I point out how wrong it is, the people who think it's right will change their entire outlook on life.

They won’t.

Diagnosis and Treatment

If you have said yes to at least half of these, there's no easy way to tell you this, but it appears you have full-blown cyber masochism. The best course of treatment would be to stay away from the internet and surround yourself with like-minded people for awhile. However, being that you're not going to do that, I guess the next best option would be keep your cyber masochistic tendencies to a minimum, healthy level. Limit all rage-ridden rants on the idiocy of others to once a day, and consider this, like all other forms of part-time masochists, your quirky little kink. Compared to other cyber kinks, I'd say yours is pretty tame.