1. Limp down the aisle and somersault to your partner Willy Wonka-style.
2. Hit on the officiant. Make it obvious — lots of arm-touching and bedroom eyes.
3. Sing everything instead of speaking. Trust me — no one will be able to look away if you sing your vows. But don't stop there! Sing to each guest during the receiving line, preferably to the tune of "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette, and make unwavering eye contact with them the entire time.
4. Whenever you're near flowers, casually eat the petals.
5. Announce you're pregnant. If you can, vomit for good measure, use your veil to wipe your mouth, shrug, and say, "This is what happens when you have a morning ceremony!"
(P.S. You don't actually have to be pregnant.)
6. Strip! When it's time for your first dance, sit your partner down and strip for them. (If you're not sure what song to dance to, Billy Idol's "White Wedding" is always a classic — and topical!)
7. Loudly plot a murder. Stage-whisper to the wedding party that you're "seriously going to murder Cheryl" — if you really sell it, your guests will be talking about it all day!
8. After leaving the bathroom, laugh and shout, "I just peed out a condom!"
9. Start a screaming match with the flower girl. You always knew she was going to fuck up — it's time to let your rage out.
10. Keep some fake blood caps on hand. If there's a lull in conversation, chomp on a couple of them and start flailing around looking horrified.
11. Make sure everyone knows how much the wedding cost. "That chicken Kiev you're eating there? That was about $30, so I hope you enjoy it."
12. Begin a rumor(?) that you're already thinking about getting divorced.
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