OkCupid Has Yet To Find His Wings In Beirut
Beirut is often described by foreigners as the girlfriend you just can't quit. No matter how many times you break up, you always find an excuse to return. It's difficult to pin down exactly why you're drawn to her. You might even find yourself irrationally defensive when others point to her faults (namely her lack of electricity/water/a president). She's also developed quite a reputation for being the "it" party girl of the Middle East, shaped in part by consistent press coverage of Beirut's vibrant nightlife. Yes, she does have a magnetic, unabashedly fun personality, but these tourism-fueled articles rarely bring the party conversation outside of the city's many clubs and bars. There is little talk of Beirut's "tight-lipped" and antiquated attitudes about sex, or the burgeoning online dating scene.
Considering that Beirut's internet speed recalls the mid-nineties (slow and unreliable), it seems obvious that internet dating here would be a bit behind the times. But fresh from New York's thriving OkCupid scene, I was eager and hopeful when I switched my profile's location to Beirut. This misguided optimism deteriorated only days after arrival, when I received a message that jokingly promised if I dialed his mobile number, my phone would not explode. A year and a half later, weeding through my inbox, I stumbled upon more messages that were so egregious, I simply couldn't bring myself to delete them. I hope this selection of OkCupid "best ofs" will be worthy of some wine-spilling belly laughs. And for those of you sharing Valentine's Day with someone special, I hope this article will make you clutch them, with grateful hands, just a little tighter.
Note: These are all real OkCupid messages I received in Beirut during the last eighteen months from men aged 22-42.
INSULTERS (An unusual tactic when creating a first impression)
- I just finished reading ur profile. I think am gona take the rest of the day off.
- So you're basically a spy... You've got the typical profile…
- Not sure why you are afraid to talk with me, are you chicken?
COMPLIMENTERS (I appreciate the sentiment, but…)
- I wish I could chat with the owner of this wonderful facial.
- I like your nose. you look dangerous.
- According to my comprehensive search, it's safe to say you would be my future wife.
CREEPSTERS (Keeping you on your guard)
- Olways I loket u (Translation: Always I look at you. Shudder.)
- We got a match of 69. ;p
- Where you having dinner in a place named xxx?
WEEPIES (Playing their pity cards like champions)
- It is with great sadness that I announce that I will stop messaging you :-( We would have had some great chats at least.
- I have been taught that with perseverence you achieve your goals and now that I come to realize that my first message did not have any effect I am sending you this also...
- Well I'm an ordinary man, sensitive and loveable. i am vegetarian and i'm very interested to know you...and maybe we can share some outdoor and indoor activities. (I have to admit I was intrigued by the indoor activities.)
RUN FOR THE BORDERS (The category I find most curious as a Lebanese resident, Israelis.)
- If you go south, i'll go north. (Did anyone else read this as a veiled sexual reference?)
- a. You are lovely! wow. b. I am not a Mosad agent. c. how is Eli? d. do you ever come to tel aviv? (Unfortunately, due to the strained relationship between Lebanon and Israel, I'm not allowed to visit Tel Aviv. Ever. You would definitely know that if you were a Mosad agent. But thanks for asking about my dog Eli.)
- Ok, how about this: I throw away yhe rops from zion, tel aviv early friday, around noon I can sail by beirot, pick u up ( pls dress accordingly, sailing outfit and Dockers...) we can either bling glasses with champagne or savour on Special Jura singel malt. excuse the typos…
WTFS (I can't even…)
- You should live in middle ages. (I shall taketh this into consideration.)
- I will not get bored from contacting you killing eyes.
- Wish from my women be always clean. especially her body. each point of her body. I love to listen always the truth story. Hate a lies.
Internet dating in any small city is problematic; chances are you'll have a few awkward in-person encounters with your online admirers. I once had a stranger stop me on the street, his ego visibly bruised. "I messaged you on OkCupid and you didn't respond. I want to know why." As gently as possible, I explained that although I had no recollection of his specific message, it was likely one of the following reasons: 1. You provided no photo, a fake photo, or a douchey photo (like the one of the "orthopedic surgeon" wearing nothing but a stethoscope). 2. We were a 0-10% match, indicating that in your desperate rush to get online and start messaging women, you couldn't even manage the time to fill out your profile or answer a single profile question. 3. Your message raised a red flag or said only, "Hey." The stranger nodded, promising he would take my advice and try contacting me again.
As an educator, I emphasize the importance of embracing failure. I encourage my students to take risks, assuring them there is value in learning from your mistakes. So in the spirit of second chances, I'll close with the final category to have emerged from my inbox cleaning-- the regrettable missed connections. They no longer have active OkCupid profiles, which I see as evidence that they were, in fact, decent guys who have long since been snatched up.
MISSED CONNECTIONS (I'm sorry. You fell through the cracks somehow.)
- Got a rewrite that was due yesterday and am in dire need of procrastination. So, here I am haunting the OkCupid denizens. Care to elaborate in extreme detail about what makes an excellent pen? (Likely a journalist or academic, this guy cleverly referenced one of the six things I listed on my OKCupid profile that I couldn't live without, an excellent pen. He also taught me a new vocabulary word, denizens.)
- Hi there! :) Please upload more photos with denim shirts in exchange for those 4, will you? (Solid relationships have certainly been built on a mutual love for denim shirts.)
- I think I'm too young for you but I just wanted to assure you that you will find a man to appreciate your sophistication and beauty. ;) (Ten years isn't that much of an age gap anymore, right?)
On the off-chance that any of you out there recognize the above missed connections as yours, try again. I'll say yes this time.
Jesse Bowley is an ex-pat designer and educator currently residing in Beirut.
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