5 Suggestions To Improve Hockey

Chicago won the Stanley Cup Final yesterday, and it was pretty okay. But a few simple tweaks could make the sport even better.

1. Make the puck bigger

Look, I get it. The puck is small so it can be hit really fast. Okay I lied. I do not know why the puck is small, and I don’t get it. It’s so hard to see that little thing. Make it bigger.

2. Make the puck orange

I remember when they introduced technology in what I am going to assume was the late 90s to highlight the puck for TV broadcasts. Like, in pink or yellow? That didn’t last, but the fact that they thought it was necessary in the first place shows that there is a problem here. Instead of trying to artificially highlight a black puck, let’s just make it orange. Problem solved.

3. Play the game on wood

Some might say ice is an integral part of the sport, but I disagree! If the game were to be played on wood, players would move more slowly, and it would be easier to follow what is currently a very fast paced game. And to specify, I’m not talking about just any type of wood. We don’t want soggy wood in here. Let’s play this thing on some good, hard, wood. Hardwood, if you will.

4. Rename it basketball

This one should be pretty self explanatory. What is hockey anyway? The name doesn’t tell me anything about the way the sport is played. Instead, let’s describe how we are going to put the puck (now large and orange and also I forgot to mention we made it round and bouncy) into the net (now a basket elevated 10 feet above the ground). Only pucknet sounds weird so basketball it is.

5. Less white people

30 Rock

No sport needs that many white people.