The Bachelor Australia is back! With the most, er, ~unique~ Bachelor yet: the Honey Badger. To say I'm not convinced by this casting is a bit of an understatement, but, like Diet Coke and scrolling through Twitter until 2am every night, The Bachelor is something I just can't seem to quit. Here are some of the thoughts I had while watching the premiere...
1. Ugh I can't believe I'm being subjected to SPORTING HIGHLIGHTS on The Bachelor. This should be a safe space.
2. “I’m the flamin’ bachelor!” Keep it.
3. Where is the shirtless montage that culminates in the Bachie staring thoughtfully at the ocean? I feel ripped off.
4. “The Honey Badger…” Is he...is he speaking about himself in the third person?
5. Drink every time he says “fair dinkum”.
6. (Don’t do that. Your liver will not cope.)
7. "I'm pretty well shitting my dacks." Shannon is perfect for the Honey Badger.
8. “Jeez, you scrub up alright.” And they say romance is dead.
9. Did he just say “you’ve gotta get the chassis moving”?!?!?
10. "I'm a bit of a weirdo...I skate." Yeah that’s super weird, my gal.
11. Oooh Brooke totally has the winners music playing!
12. “I’ve got a pair of balls.” Omg Brooke.
13. I love that she has no idea who the Honey Badger is, even though she’s into footy.
14. And she’s teaching HIM how to play! I AM LIVING FOR THIS.
15. She’s too good for him tbh.
16. “I am here...for the buffet.” Brittany is a girl after my own heart.
17. “Maybe you can be my 50th (country).” That...doesn’t make any sense.
18. Cayla getting the ~kooky~ music. To be fair, she is very ~kooky~.
19. Aaand Cat’s getting the villain music! Hello, I am ready for some drama.
20. Ooh we’re getting into the unimportant montage girls now.
21. "I can't believe I know who this guy is.” I mean he's literally a celebrity, Cass.
22. “We know each other pretty well” *whispers* they’ve fucked.
23. At least he remembers her name.
24. More montage girls!
25. WHY IS THAT GIRL NOT WEARING SHOES NOOOO.
26. “And the BANTER!” *cut to very bland dialogue that does not remotely resemble banter*
27. If he says “chew the fat” one more time I s2g.
28. Oh hello, Dasha getting the SEXY SEXY SEX music.
29. No wonder, with THAT MOVE she just pulled on him.
30. I am actually speechless rn.
31. “NOT thrilled.” Same, Vanessa Sunshine. Same.
32. “I’ll just give him a makeover.” PLEASE, PLEASE DO.
33. Did he just get distracted by her boobs? Hmmmmmm.
34. Say Vanessa Sunshine again.
35. “This is The Bachelor, not ‘Make New Girlfriends’.” Um but can that be a show please? 10/10 would watch, would apply.
36. Cat: “I don’t want to create drama.” Me: surejan.jpg.
37. Cass has zero chill.
38. I hate to break it to you sweetie, but being born in the same town does not mean you’re meant to be together. See: your entire dating history, I’m sure, seeing as you are now single and on this show.
39. I’d be more excited to see Osher than the Honey Badger, too.
40. Is that the key to the Honey Badger’s chastity belt?
41. Oh no, just his Bachelor Pad.
42. An all access pass, to be used at ANY TIME! Am I watching American Bachelor all of a sudden?
43. “He looks like a cute little cauliflower.” Oh.
44. GO ALEKSANDRA! YOU HAVE HAD NO SCREENTIME BUT I GOT YOU IN THE OFFICE SWEEP! I WANT THAT 50 BUCKS.
45. Cat: "Will you come over with me?" Alisha: “ABSOLUTELY. I want front row seats.”
46. Can someone tell Cat that a) it’s totally okay that this was dating your ex, seeing as he’s YOUR EX and all; and b) you’re literally in a competition for one guy right now so you should probably calm your farm on the jealousy front.
47. "I have no idea who you are." Yep, that's EXACTLY the kind of thing you'd say to a Regular Person Who You Definitely Don't Recognise As Being Famous.
48. “Let’s go for a fang...let’s have a yarn.” I hate this.
49. I see Alisha is our self-designated commentator.
50. That was a terrible joke, Brooke, but I love you anyway.
51. I am smiling at this interaction with Brooke, VERY MUCH against my will because ugh the Honey Badger.
52. Cass told the universe she wanted the Honey Badger and here she is, terrifying him in front of the entire nation.
53. Some producer 1000% just told Kayla it was a genius move to jump in the pool, and is quietly cackling off camera.
54. The fact the Honey Badger has singled out Brooke, and given her a rose and the key to his ~pad~, shows he has SOME taste I suppose.
55. Cass: “I’m fine!” Narrator: She was not fine.
56. “I mean I didn’t leave my life for nothing.” Vanessa Sunshine is like if Laurina and Keira had a baby.
57. Wait who even left?! Did I blink and miss it or did they not even bother to show it?
58. Ugggh I am still not convinced AT ALL of the Honey Badger as the Bachelor but FINE I’LL KEEP WATCHING I GUESS.