See? Rupert has fun. Near water. Wearing appropriate clothing choices. Unlike ex-BF Harry Styles, who is compelled to show his bare chest every chance he gets, active Rupert prefers sportswear like this Nike Dri Fit top, which wicks away moisture (aka sweat). Fun and responsible, with a touch of humility. Maybe even bashful.
3. Taylor can help advance Rupert’s right-leaning agenda in America.
4. Rupert can fund her larger creative ambitions.
Will Taylor Swift be happy playing the Verizon-Clorox Amphitheater circuit every summer for the rest of her life? No. Musicians aren’t just musicians anymore. Will.I.Am is the creative director of something, and you don’t have to be a marketing ninja to listen to Taylor’s lyrics and find a home for more than pedestrian heartbreak. “You belong with me...on this handwoven chaise lounge, sold exclusively this summer at Lowe’s” is just as catchy the original. When I look at Taylor and see her tastefully dancing around in well-considered, Sissy Spacek Badlands-era couture, what I really see is someone with the vision to be the future CEO of a home furnishings line: a Martha Stewart–Jonathan Adler hybrid who will not rest until your domicile is clogged with hoarder-level Taylor Swift–brand wicker furnishings. Rupert will bankroll that shit.
5. Which will also help her instantly DESTROY her old nemesis Kanye West.
6. Rupert ups her lyrical game.
7. Speaking of hacking...
Hooking up with someone like Taylor Swift must titillate the voyeur in Rupert. New phone numbers, conversations, and voicemails will open up to him, and all he needs to do is sit and soak up the content, like he’s futzing with a CB radio or police scanner. Then he can walk around making thinly veiled threats that seem random but aren’t. “Listen, you need to walk in one direction back to the yacht, Taylor,” and “I never fly out of Kennedy, Taylor. And you will quit doing so too.”
8. Taylor’s comfortable with senior citizens.
9. She can help him with Twitter.
10. Transcendental meditation.
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