1. Well, fuck.
2. I can't tell how hard it's coming down. It's either a drizzle or The Day After Tomorrow.
3. Maybe if I stare at the surface of the puddles, I can tell how hard it's raining.
4. I can't. It's impossible.
5. I have to change everything item of clothing I'm currently wearing and I am already extremely late.
6. Wait, do I own an umbrella? I definitely remember holding one recently.
7. I remember the umbrella smelling really good.
8. Oh, wait, no. That wasn't an umbrella. It was a footlong sub. Dammit.
9. The rain isn't lovely. Books and movies make it seem like it's very lovely. It isn't. It's just wet.
10. If it's going to rain, why is there even a distinction made between land and sea? We might as well live underwater, then.
11. If I was a weird amphibian man like Jar Jar Binks, this wouldn't bother me at all.
12. God I wish I was Jar Jar Binks.
13. Why does it rain, again? Something to do with vapor, right? Is that the same as vaping? Are hipsters responsible for this?
14. This is the hardest it has ever rained, ever.
15. It's times like this that I regret only ever wearing Converse sneakers. Do I own any rain boots? No, of course not. I'm not Paddington Bear.
16. Where do people even buy big yellow rain boats? Is there a store I'm missing? Or do they sell them in places like Walgreens and CVS?
17. I haven't seen anyone walk by yet. Is it raining so badly that I shouldn't leave my apartment? Is this some sort of emergency rain?
18. Maybe I'll just never go outside again.
19. If I never go outside again, I'd get so much work done.
20. But I'm not sure I could convince my boss that it's emergency raining everyday.
21. OK but seriously: do I own an umbrella?
22. I'm sure I have, like, four of them. Because I buy a new one every time I'm trapped in the rain.
23. Maybe it's under the bed?
24. So apparently I own two different lengths of tape measure, a package of parsley seeds, and a small portrait of a sick Victorian child, but no umbrella.
25. Life is unbearable.
26. I've decided to be very mad at the weather website I only occasionally check.
27. I don't live anywhere near a farm. Do we even need rain anymore? Can't we just keep it up in the cloud, like my illegally downloaded music?
28. According to the clock, I have spent 40 minutes staring out at the rain.
30. OK, think rationally. Basically any object is an umbrella if you just hold it over your head. This book is an umbrella. This chair is an umbrella. My laptop is a very expensive and fragile umbrella.
31. I'm pretty sure I saw a character in Mad Men run through the rain with a newspaper over his head. That's a thing, right?
32. I haven't held a physical newspaper in three years.
33. Can I hold my digital subscription to The New York Times over my head?
34. Oh, someone just walked by. Carrying an umbrella. A lovely, lovely umbrella.
35. So this probably isn't emergency rain.
36. And I probably have to go to work now.
38. OK, I'm gonna tape some plastic bags to my shoes and hair.
39. This must be how Edison felt inventing the lightbulb.
40. I'm about to be very wet and sad.