You should never approach a kangaroo with the intent to do harm. But a kangaroo will, at some point in the near future, try to kill you. Here are some rules that just might save your life.
1. Never look a kangaroo in the eyes.
Like all other large dog breeds, kangaroos have very powerful eyes — almost as powerful as their incredibly powerful legs, arms, hands, and washboard abs. Kangaroos never blink, and will never lose a staring contest. They are also startlingly fit and weirdly attractive. Do not fall in love, or you will be crushed.
2. Protect your groin and neck.
Kangaroos love to go for the groin and the neck. It's like sweet, delicious candy to them, except instead of chewing on it, they will box it until it's a fine paste. By no means should you ever allow your groin and neck to be within arm's reach of the opposing kangaroo.
3. Never be stupid enough to use a gun.
Adult kangaroos are faster than a bullet, and the presence of shiny metal infuriates them beyond the boundaries of reasonable emotion. Just after you squeeze the trigger, a kangaroo's octagonal eyes will pick up on the heat register of the bullet leaving the chamber, giving it plenty of time to position itself sideways so it may flick the bullet away with its tail.
4. Beware the pouch, for it lures the weak and ignorant.
You're probably wondering what's inside the kangaroo's pouch.
• Weapons?
• Fury?
• Some sort of throwing acid?
No, it's much worse. Inside a kangaroo's pouch is a nutrient-rich goo used to feed baby joeys, as well as the hundreds of bats that call the pouch home. Even the dumbest kangaroo will know to use these bats as a distraction during battle, forcing you to shelter your eyes from their tiny, flapping wings as the beast lunges for your neck or groin.
5. Do not get crushed.
Kangaroos love nothing more than crushing. To avoid being crushed, try to stand out of the kangaroo's 45-foot wingspan, and for the love of God do not provoke the kangaroo. It will also benefit you greatly to not look at all like the many objects kangaroos love to crush, such as a dog.
For your reference, here is a complete list of what kangaroos are most likely to crush at any given moment:
1. Dogs
2. Dog-shaped rocks
3. Fresh peaches
4. Solid metal spheres
5. Trucks
6. House boats
7. Dog kennels
8. Buckets, filled with sand
9. Buckets, empty
10. Clowns on stilts
11. Turkeys
12. Ceramics of all sorts
13. Bushels of hay
14. Horses and/or large ponies
15. Trees, singular
16. Trees, forests of them
17. Anything that feeds their incalculable rage
18. Anything trying too hard to stay out of their way
19. Anything hiding, because they smell fear and it smells delicious to them
20. Garbage cans
21. Elk mothers
22. Statues of important women
23. All other things
6. Try to soothe their boundless rage.
Because it would be impossible to win a physical fight against a kangaroo — even a very old and sick one, which does not exist — the very best way to avoid death is by soothing a kangaroo's fiery cruelty. Zoologists have identified two key factors that can soothe a kangaroo's demeanor, and they are:
1. Watching another animal (preferably a dog) get crushed
2. Hearing the screams of living beings consumed by fire
7. Think like a kangaroo.
It might be tempting, as you face your certain demise at the hands of a creature with indescribable strength, to try to outwit a kangaroo. But it is incredibly important to remember that kangaroos possess near-supercomputer intelligence, and have what scientists call a "quantum brain," capable of stratagems and calculations the very notion of which would fry our primate minds.
So instead of thinking like a precrushed human, start thinking like a kangaroo.
8. Avoid kangaroos at all costs.
It's important to recognize the spaces kangaroos inhabit so that you can avoid them for the rest of your life.
• As you probably know, kangaroos are dependent on two main food groups: crushed dogs, and human misery. If you have a pet dog, get rid of the dog right now. Kangaroos can smell dogs from hemispheres away, and will travel sleeplessly to find one and crush it. And to avoid human misery, just be less sad.
• It's also crucial to never cross into Kangaroo City or, god forbid, enter their breeding grounds. Kangaroos are almost constantly mating and are easily provoked while they're blowing a load.
And now you know!
