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How To Survive A Kangaroo Attack

Prepare yourself for a crushing.

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You should never approach a kangaroo with the intent to do harm. But a kangaroo will, at some point in the near future, try to kill you. Here are some rules that just might save your life.

1. Never look a kangaroo in the eyes.

Like all other large dog breeds, kangaroos have very powerful eyes — almost as powerful as their incredibly powerful legs, arms, hands, and washboard abs. Kangaroos never blink, and will never lose a staring contest. They are also startlingly fit and weirdly attractive. Do not fall in love, or you will be crushed.

2. Protect your groin and neck.

Kangaroos love to go for the groin and the neck. It's like sweet, delicious candy to them, except instead of chewing on it, they will box it until it's a fine paste. By no means should you ever allow your groin and neck to be within arm's reach of the opposing kangaroo.


3. Never be stupid enough to use a gun.

Adult kangaroos are faster than a bullet, and the presence of shiny metal infuriates them beyond the boundaries of reasonable emotion. Just after you squeeze the trigger, a kangaroo's octagonal eyes will pick up on the heat register of the bullet leaving the chamber, giving it plenty of time to position itself sideways so it may flick the bullet away with its tail.

4. Beware the pouch, for it lures the weak and ignorant.

You're probably wondering what's inside the kangaroo's pouch.

• Fury?
• Some sort of throwing acid?

No, it's much worse. Inside a kangaroo's pouch is a nutrient-rich goo used to feed baby joeys, as well as the hundreds of bats that call the pouch home. Even the dumbest kangaroo will know to use these bats as a distraction during battle, forcing you to shelter your eyes from their tiny, flapping wings as the beast lunges for your neck or groin.


5. Do not get crushed.

Kangaroos love nothing more than crushing. To avoid being crushed, try to stand out of the kangaroo's 45-foot wingspan, and for the love of God do not provoke the kangaroo. It will also benefit you greatly to not look at all like the many objects kangaroos love to crush, such as a dog.

For your reference, here is a complete list of what kangaroos are most likely to crush at any given moment:

1. Dogs

2. Dog-shaped rocks

3. Fresh peaches

4. Solid metal spheres

5. Trucks

6. House boats

7. Dog kennels

8. Buckets, filled with sand

9. Buckets, empty

10. Clowns on stilts

11. Turkeys

12. Ceramics of all sorts

13. Bushels of hay

14. Horses and/or large ponies

15. Trees, singular

16. Trees, forests of them

17. Anything that feeds their incalculable rage

18. Anything trying too hard to stay out of their way

19. Anything hiding, because they smell fear and it smells delicious to them

20. Garbage cans

21. Elk mothers

22. Statues of important women

23. All other things

6. Try to soothe their boundless rage.

Because it would be impossible to win a physical fight against a kangaroo — even a very old and sick one, which does not exist — the very best way to avoid death is by soothing a kangaroo's fiery cruelty. Zoologists have identified two key factors that can soothe a kangaroo's demeanor, and they are:

1. Watching another animal (preferably a dog) get crushed

2. Hearing the screams of living beings consumed by fire

Dab Meth / Via BuzzFeed

If you can orchestrate either one (or, ideally, both) of these events during your battle with a kangaroo, you may just buy yourself an extra one or two seconds of life before the kangaroo smells your relief and glides in for the kill.

7. Think like a kangaroo.

It might be tempting, as you face your certain demise at the hands of a creature with indescribable strength, to try to outwit a kangaroo. But it is incredibly important to remember that kangaroos possess near-supercomputer intelligence, and have what scientists call a "quantum brain," capable of stratagems and calculations the very notion of which would fry our primate minds.

So instead of thinking like a precrushed human, start thinking like a kangaroo.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

Firstly, view every object in your path as something that could potentially be crushed.

Secondly, know only rage and desire, and drain yourself of fear, terror, fright, horror, and most importantly the ability to love.

Thirdly, release yourself from the boundaries of stiff matter and allow the elements to penetrate your form so that you may swell to a great and intimidating size. When provoked, kangaroos are known to swell to four, five, or even six thousand times their normal stature, consuming so much air that you'll struggle for breath and beg for death from crushing.

8. Avoid kangaroos at all costs.

It's important to recognize the spaces kangaroos inhabit so that you can avoid them for the rest of your life.

• As you probably know, kangaroos are dependent on two main food groups: crushed dogs, and human misery. If you have a pet dog, get rid of the dog right now. Kangaroos can smell dogs from hemispheres away, and will travel sleeplessly to find one and crush it. And to avoid human misery, just be less sad.

• It's also crucial to never cross into Kangaroo City or, god forbid, enter their breeding grounds. Kangaroos are almost constantly mating and are easily provoked while they're blowing a load.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

Kangaroos are native to Australia, as well as North and South America, and some small yet sizable chunks of Europe, Asia, and Africa, so be sure to avoid those areas, as well as Antartica, where they can easily swim to using their handsome but terrifying legs.

And now you know!

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

By no means if this an exhaustive guide to surviving your inevitable kangaroo attack, but let it serve as a foundation for the years of training to come. And remember: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MAY YOU LET THIS ARTICLE FALL INTO KANGAROO HANDS, LEST WE WISH THEM TO ADAPT TO OUR ONLY MEANS OF SURVIVAL.