There are many strong feelings that come along with the word abortion. Some people get angry and upset, others don't give it a second thought……. then there are people like me.
I had always been pro-choice; I believe that a woman chooses an abortion for many reasons. I had always made a promise to myself that if I were to ever become pregnant, that I would always keep it, no matter what.
Then I realized that not all abortions are lumped into one category. I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make: I had an abortion.
Now before you jump to conclusions, I have written this to let people know that abortion is not a black and white issue. Many women have abortions because it needs to happen; just because a woman chooses abortion, does not mean she didn't want or love the baby.
I have found that many women are hesitant to express their feelings and emotions after an abortion because it's something we just don't talk about. The shame and stigma that comes with abortion leaves many women hesitant and resistant to share how they feel.
I'm here to give those women a voice; let them know they are not alone, and also to help others who are opposed to abortion realize that it's not such a cut and dry issue.
Here is my story,
My fiancé and I had just moved across the country and were settling in to our new home, when I suddenly realized my period hadn't come in a long time. When the pregnancy test showed positive I was shocked, excited and scared all in one. I ran down stairs, shaking, and delivered the news.
My fiancé was ecstatic, neither one of us had children and were eager to expand our family. Although we weren't planning on having a baby so soon, we embraced the fact that we were going to be parents.
We decided to wait to tell anyone until I had been to the doctor and made it to the second trimester. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, and I didn't want to get any of my family or friends excited.
By the time the 12 weeks were up and the ultrasound showed a small, but healthy baby, I broke the news all over my Facebook. I loved being pregnant, I loved reading the baby books and looking at baby things in the store.
By the time 20 weeks came around I was in full baby mode, mentally and financially preparing myself to become a mother. I went for an anatomy ultrasound at 20 weeks to finally find out if we were having a boy or a girl.
The ultrasound was going well, the baby was moving around so much, we were able to see close ups of every part of its little body. That ultrasound tech would have made an excellent poker player, she never let on once that she knew there was something seriously wrong.
Once she left the room, after letting us know it was a boy, my fiancé and I joked around about how hyper he was going to be, and how excited we were to be having a baby boy. That was my last happy memory of being pregnant.
The next few hours were a blur, the doctor came in and told us that there was a problem on the ultrasound; there was too much fluid in the brain, and a problem with the heart. I tried asking questions in my state of shock, but I was told to ask the genetic counselor and that she would explain everything.
We were then escorted into another room.
All I could hear coming out of the genetic counselors mouth was, "chromosomal problem" and "Not compatible with life." I was frozen, I covered up the ultrasound pictures with a magazine, I was nauseous and almost in a state of denial. How could this be? How can I fix this? Why is this happening?
Next I met with another physician, who suggested I get an amniocentesis done to determine exactly what the problem was. She said that she would never suggest termination as the only option, but in this case it was a viable choice. She went on to say that if it was indeed a chromosomal problem , then the baby would not make it to term, and if by some miracle it did, it would not survive long after birth.
The 2 hour drive home was excruciating. I didn't want to go home, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. But I knew I had a decision to make and I would go back and forth on that decision for the next agonizing week.
The call came a few days after the horrible doctor's visit. The genetic counselor confirmed our fears, it was a very rare disorder called Triploidy. It occurs when a fetus has a complete extra set of chromosomes, and is 100 percent fatal. Lucky us, it occurs in less than 2 percent of all pregnancies. That's when I decided to terminate the pregnancy.
I was in a state of grief; I wasn't sleeping, I was awake all night crying, praying, begging God to just take the baby. I begged to whatever higher power there may be to please not put it on my shoulders to make this decision.
I had seen the graphic pictures of late term abortions. I had read up on what they entail, and I was horrified. Not only would I have to be put under anesthesia, but the whole procedure is invasive and takes a total of 2 days to complete. I was ripped apart inside, ravaged with guilt, grief and hate.
I would cry for days on my fiancés shoulder, asking him why this happened to us, why couldn't it have just ended in an early miscarriage. I dabbled in the idea of just letting nature take its course and continuing with the pregnancy on some false hope that would make the whole thing easier. But in the end, no matter which avenue I went down, the outcome was always the same: My baby was going to die.
Could I carry to term, watch my belly grow, and feel him moving inside me while trying to stay detached? Would I be able to go through labor and give birth only to watch my baby gasp for air and die in my arms? Could I watch him suffer for days while his body slowly shut down? No, I couldn't do that. So I made the decision that I needed to abort this precious life that I loved and wanted, but would never be able to have.
The morning before the procedure, we made the 2 hour drive back to the doctor's office. The whole drive was a clouded blur. I hated my body, I hated being a woman, I hated God, I hated the fact that this decision was mine and mine alone to make, I hated the fact that my fiancé had no idea what turmoil was taking place inside me. I couldn't stop crying, then talking myself down, convincing myself this was the best decision considering the circumstances, then breaking down and crying again.
The whole process of having a surgical abortion takes 2 days, I would prefer not to go into detail. However, I will say that my doctor and all the nurses at the clinic were very comforting and empathetic. Their kindness will not be forgotten.
I will now jump to when I woke up after the procedure.
As soon as I opened my eyes, I could feel that I was no longer pregnant, and the emotions overwhelmed me; I started hysterically crying.
The nurse ran to get my fiancé from the waiting room; we cried embracing each other on the gurney; that moment was one of the worst moments of my entire life. It all suddenly became real, and the emotional pain was so raw, almost unbearable.
I was in such a state of grief for the next few weeks, nothing could make me feel better.
As time passed, I started to come around, school started back up which gave me a little distraction. I felt like I was making progress in my grief, until one day there was a setback.
A girl in one of my classes decided to do a presentation on surgical abortion. The start of her presentation was a picture of a fetus in utero, and facts stating how the baby could hear its mother's heartbeat and feel.
I became completely numb, it was too overwhelming. I had to excuse myself from class, my whole body was tingling and I felt sick. All I could do was wait and cry in the hall until her presentation was done.
That's when I realized that people really don't understand that abortion comes in many different scenarios, and for the most part they are bunched into 1 group: if you get an abortion, you hate your baby.
I knew the girl wasn't being malicious, and she had no idea that I had recently experienced a surgical abortion, so I made sure I apologized for walking out on her presentation, and just explained my situation.
As of now, it has been 3 months since I experienced what no woman should ever have to. I have found myself being thrust into unknown territory, the area of having had an abortion and having things thrown in my face on how I am a bad person for having one.
I often see web pages with graphic images of aborted fetus', with words plastered on them such as "I Could Have Cured Cancer", or Facebook pages describing in detail what happens when a fetus is aborted.
What many fail to realize is a lot of late term abortions are done because there is a severe problem with the fetus. And that behind a lot of late term abortions, there is the pain and anguish the parents went through. There lies a heartbreaking and gut wrenching decision that is laid at their feet, a decision that must be made quickly.
I have cries and become distraught just thinking about what happened during the procedure, I pray that it was quick and the baby felt no pain. I know that it may seem barbaric to some, but in my mind a fast, violent death is better than a slow agonizing one, especially when death is inevitable.
A lot of my friends have recently become pregnant, and I get to see all their growing bellies on Facebook, my best friend just gave birth to her first baby yesterday, and I was genuinely happy for her.
But at the same time I was hurting so bad inside, I didn't want to think about what I had lost, I didn't want to be envious and jealous that she was able to have a normal healthy baby, and I wasn't.
If I can get anyone to take away anything from my experience, regardless of what side you are on, just realize that abortion is not black and white.
Not all aborted babies were not loved and wanted. Although I cannot speak for all women, I can at least speak for the women who are in my corner, the women who truly wanted their babies, but were dealt a crappy hand that forced them to make such a heartbreaking decision.
We don't need to see or hear about the graphic, horrible reality of abortion, we already lived and felt it. Just think twice before going on the witch hunt, until you have lived through it, you have no idea the heartbreak that is involved.
And to all the women in my corner, you are not alone, it is ok to let your voice be heard. You are not a bad person or mother, you did what needed to be done for you and your child.
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