You know that feeling you get when you've done something wrong and you know you're going to have to admit it? That gut wrenching 'oh boy, are my *insert* going to be disappointed when they find this out' feeling. The feeling that makes you want to simultaneously throw up and bury your face in the sand? You know that whoever it is will obviously still love you, but this voice is at the back of your subconsciousness. It's the whisper of the shyest child in class, compared to the shout of that one obnoxious guy on his phone while you're sat in the quiet compartment on the train. They're instinctual feelings you get, but sometimes you're not even sure why you get them.
The television's on and you're sat with your family, it's just an ordinary programme, but when they kiss, your dad shouts abuse at the screen. Disgusted. He quickly switches it off and says that he'll 'never watch that rubbish again'. Your brother starts to use words like 'wrong' and 'unnatural'.
You know what caused them the outrage is wrong, but for some reason the feeling is back and you're not quite sure why.
This has happened before; that time you were sat in the car with your mum and two people holding hands ran across the road - she shouted a slur at them, and you felt your heart sink deep into your chest.
You eagerly show your uncle the song you've been obsessed with for weeks. You're intrigued by the music video, but when the main characters embrace, he demands you turn it off. He lectures you about how he 'doesn't mind if they do it in private but he just doesn't want it in his face'. Your stomach plummets and your face burns with deepened anger. You feel like screaming at or hitting him. But you don't. You don't know why you feel like this and you wonder why he used such harsh words to describe them, why it seems so forbidden and why it's okay for some people to be in your face but not others.
You're in your science class and it comes up in conversation. The boy next to you tells you he thinks it's wrong with a revolted expression on his face. You feel the same volcanic anger as you did before, but this time ask him why he feels that way. He says he 'just does'. You ask if he would still be friends with someone who was one, he scoffs like it was a ridiculous question. 'Of course he wouldn't'. He seems to be grimacing at even the idea. You have to move seats because you can no longer bear looking at him and his now self-righteous face- you can feel the molten anger radiating out of you. He doesn't seem to realise he's upset you, or if he does he doesn't understand why he did, much like yourself.
Your best friend has a new crush, but this time it's not so easy to get the name out of her. You tease and ask if it's the new girl in your class and her face flushes, she goes silent. You feel the confusion in your chest as you realise what she's just unwillingly told you. You knew that things like this happened- but never thought anyone you knew would be one.
Part of you wonders if it's more common than everyone thinks. You start to wonder if you could be one too, but something in the back of your mind tells you to stop thinking that way; there's no chance you could be. You're better than that.
You start to become more withdrawn and noticeably more quiet. You spend a lot more time than usual in your own head; the feeling is all you can think about, and when on the off chance you have a spare moment of thought, it always gets distracted back to it. You don't sit with your family in the evenings and you don't listen to that song anymore. Whenever it comes up on the television you switch it off and you don't speak to your best friend about crushes. You try to forget about it.
But you can't.
You're in your history class and the table you're sat on is having a discussion on the same topic with the teacher. This time it's different, she seems supportive of it. She tells you it's not wrong and she seems as angry at the fact that people think it is as you felt in science. She says that she has friends that are like that and that it's perfectly natural. You're listening to her every word, as if what she was saying was a life ring and you were drowning. For the rest of the day you feel more confident than usual- more like your old self, and the boy from science doesn't bother you as much.
You spend a while thinking about what she was saying and you talk to your best friend. In fact you don't just talk to her, you spend an afternoon asking her questions about it. You start off wary as you don't want to offend or upset her, but you slowly get more and more confident. You ask her how she knows and she explains, you ask her how long she's known and she tells you. Everything you ask she has some sort of answer for, and she confirms your suspicions that it is more common than people think.
You search it on the internet- something you should probably have done earlier, and find a surprising amount of positivity and support. You visit countless websites about it; taking mental notes about people's experiences and thoughts. When you're done you consider yourself a mediocre expert and find that the questions aren't occupying all of your thoughts anymore.
You let yourself toy with the idea that you could be one, like your best friend, and at first it seems preposterous, but when you actually consider it, it sort of makes sense. You start to understand why you felt so betrayed when people opposed it, and why it was on your mind all of the time. When you look back on certain events, it's like the missing puzzle piece that makes the picture make sense, and you're surprised at yourself for not realising earlier.You wonder if anyone else realises it about you. You're ashamed of thinking that it was wrong, but accept that it wasn't your fault for thinking it.
You practice saying it over and over again in your head until you're comfortable enough to actually articulate it. At first, you can't say it out loud, but you practice until you can. You tell your best friend first and she hugs you and gives you the response you should have given her. You tell your other friends slowly and get slightly more confident each time. A lot of your friends tell you they suspected it anyway, but you don't mind because in a way it reassures you. Every time is like climbing a mountain, simultaneously exhausting and terrifying, and afterwards, you feel oddly proud of yourself. You do still shake when you tell people though.
You find yourself actively bringing it up in conversation and find any excuse to talk or read about it. Your relatives moan at you for filling their Facebook newsfeed with posts about it, but you don't care anymore. They start to hint at you and you finally tell your mum. Although her first response wasn't what you'd thought it would be, she finds her own way to accept you. Her response gives you the courage to tell the rest of your family, and although before they seemed to hate it, you can tell they're trying to change their minds.
You don't get the feeling nearly as much anymore. Sometimes it does come back, but now you know it's not right, you are. You knew that whoever it was wasn't going to be disappointed in you, and would still love you- you just needed a little bit of reassurance first. You're proud of you for you, because you know that you are brilliantly perfect just the way you are.
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