1.
my answer to everything is “I’ll start a google doc.” Have an idea for a new project? Start a google doc. Need to do laundry? Open a new doc. Body is begging me to eat a vegetable and leave my bed for the first time all dsy? Gooooooooogle doc
2.
When girls say they are “running errands” they’re actually at TJ Maxx sniffing candles for 45 minutes
3.
I made a meme about punctuation
4.
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and you need a pee but you’re actually so tired and cosy, so you just go back to sleep with high hopes that you don’t piss yourself hahahaha
5.
computer: "save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?" me: "yea”
6.
me: *starts a movie* also me: *keeps playing with my phone for 10 minutes straight* me: This movie sucks the movie: https://t.co/tqrGV9sHcb
7.
recipe writers: tsp is teaspoon, tbsp is tablespoon me, an intellectual: tusp recipe writer: no me: tubusp
8.
my gut feeling: don't do it me: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'll do it
9.
10.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later. my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
11.
me: *zones out for 60 min of important work meeting* me: eh me: *zones out for 6 seconds of a TV show* me: reTHEFUCKwind
12.
me: I really shouldn't eat out today; I have to save money me: if you buy food with cash, it'll be like you're not spending money bc the number in your bank account will be the same me: shit can't argue with that logic let's eat
13.
90% of my web searches are me googling words to make sure they actually mean what i think they mean before i post them online
14.
the pile of unread books on my side table watching me toss another 2 books onto it & opening up a window to rewatch an old show https://t.co/B1kDvq0Gvi
15.
Hello world! I am going to tell you about this awful problem I have! Every time I type out a professional email I cannot help but write like this! I cannot stop this habit for I am afraid people will think I am uninterested and rude! Please send help! Thank you for your time!
16.
Sorry i'm late I sat on my bed in a towel for an hour staring at the wall
17.
trying to spell restaurant on the first try