1. I would have permanently hairless legs, but be condemned to shave my bald legs every day anyway.
2. And it would always happen while wearing a silky bathrobe with scented candles surrounding me.
3. If my spotless house was ruined by people coming in and making a mess, I’d just give a wry chuckle as if to say “oh you guys” and then whip out the vacuum cleaner.
4. I would relish the opportunity to clean up any spills my family made, and they’d make a lot of them.
5. I’d wash my face by flinging water into the air and hope that some of it landed on my skin.
6. My period would consist of a blue gel instead of actual blood.
7. And during my period I’d exclusively wear white jeans.
8. My period would also lead me to take up playing volleyball on the beach in a white bikini before going rock climbing in white shorts, and finishing the day up by maybe getting married in a white dress.
9. I would really, really like yoghurt. Perhaps a little too much.
10. I would eat the yoghurt sensually and vocally while licking my lips between spoonfuls, and my colleagues would start avoiding me at lunch time because of it.
11. In fact, I would carry yoghurt everywhere with me, and occasionally eat it while wearing a white dress in a field.
12. Nobody else would want to join me in this so the white-dress-in-a-field activity would be a solo one.
13. My teeth would manage to stay clean and pearly-white even though I’d never put actual toothpaste on my toothbrush.
14. I would be brought to orgasm by simply washing my hair. Because of this, I would wash my hair twice a day when possible.
15. I would permanently be smiling, even if I was cleaning a toilet. The permanent smile might be due to the constant shampoo-orgasms I’d be having.
16. I would keep my chocolate bars nestled in boxes surrounded by luxurious fabrics instead of in a cupboard.
17. If I bought new shoes I would have no way to express my happiness than to shriek. This would unfortunately lead to me being banned from a few stores due to my enthusiasm “frightening other customers” and “creating an uncomfortable environment.”
18. I would clean my kitchen in heels and a dress shirt as if I was about to attend a job interview.
19. I would eat a chocolate bar in such tiny bites that it would take me around three weeks to finish it.
20. When pouring myself a piping-hot drink, instead of using the handle I would grasp the searingly hot cup with both of my bare hands.
21. Rather than say “huh” when finding out food was low-fat or fat-free, I would exclaim it in the way someone might react if they found out they had a long lost sibling. It would lead to at least one awkward interaction in the break room at work.
22. Every morning I would prepare my family a hearty breakfast with heaving plates of waffles, pancakes, pastries, eggs and bacon. They would take one bite of it and then leave.
23. I would keep a positive pregnancy test in my bag at all times to whip out and show loved ones instead of just telling them the news.
24. All my skincare products would be used while I have a full face of makeup on.
25. I’d always be chuckling to myself while stroking my face. Even while alone in my bathroom.
26. My (also permanently bald) armpits would need just one swipe of deodorant to protect me from sweat all day.
27. I would spend hours caressing my legs when applying lotion. I would be late to most social events and stop being invited to places.
28. I would laugh with delight in the shower, but never accidentally swallow or choke on a bit of water.
29. I would serve my friends tiny portions of dry snacks when they came to my house and they would all respond as if I had put on a three-course-meal.
30. I would also go for fancy brunches with my friends where we would immediately talk about constipation and bloating.
31. Rather than eating an ice cream, I would shut my eyes in bliss and essentially make out with it for a little while. Unfortunately on one balmy August day, this would be the last straw for my coworkers and Human Resources would have to intervene.