1.
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I rest my case
3.
"What kind of guys are you into?" Me:
4.
*explosiom of light* *univrse is created* *earth forms* *plants grow* *a grape fals off a vine adn drys* evreythimg hapens for a raisin
5.
I'm not appreciated enough. Saw this bread and not one person laughed when I said "dat ass dough".
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[blind date] HER: I'm a big country fan ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large
8.
UDOT outdid themselves today.
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Remember to check ur kids' candy on halloween, i found a razor in my daughter's M&Ms this morning
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im fucking hysterical
12.
Who ordered the shredded cheese?
13.
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock? *Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times* Me: OH MY
14.
y'all still living in 2017, meanwhile this man living in 3017
15.
Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties
16.
I don't know about magic but I got a couple twix up my sleeve
17.
"Babe can you move over?" "But I don't have mushroom"
18.
Look how instinctively, the mother croc carries the baby in its mouth. Nature is beautiful.
19.
Gardening was never a hobby of mine, but I thought I'd give it a spin
20.
Love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.
21.
Presumably good at helping people stay alive.