1.
Buy one Oprah, get Winfrey.
2.
Cremators make their money the old-fashioned way: they urn it
3.
Why is it called a 'dad-bod' and not a 'father-figure'?
4.
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage? wife: I hate the constant star wars puns husband: divorce is strong with this one
5.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
6.
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
7.
Welcome to Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
8.
Do math majors graduate with degrees or radians?
9.
Contortionists are the worst anger management counselors because they get bent out of shape so easily.
10.
[please enter a password] ilovedogs [password must contain at least one capital] iloveparisdogs
11.
People accuse me of being a luggage denier. That's definitely not the case.
12.
Construction experts standing in a row explaining how to build hotels, giving inn formation information in formation
13.
Police: Cover me Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
14.
I thought I saw a werewolf but it didn't notice how close I was to it so I'd say it was an unaware wolf
15.
I consider my stepladder my real ladder. After all, he's the one who raised me
16.
[having sex] Her: DEEPER! Me: Is human nature constant or is it molded by culture? Can human nature be completely changed by culture or soc-
17.
[spelling bee] "your word is... death" can you use it in a sentence? "in most states, yes"
18.
"Welcome to tree class." *everyone leaves* "Oh, you guys are good."
19.
things you can count on 1. calculator 2. abacus 3. irrational thoughts keeping you awake at night 4. people letting you down 5. scales
20.
*Kanye West replaces Zayn in 1Direction* *Kicks everyone else in the band out* "Theres only room for 1 direction fam" he says "its west"
21.
"ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER" [spider removes earbuds] "yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever"
22.
I mashed 6.022×10²³ avocados to make this guac a mole
23.
Who called it an allergy attack and not a sneezure?
24.
pope: love all *everyone cheers* *he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd* pope: fifteen-love
25.
[baseball gets hit out of bounds and hits a bird] ump: THAT'S A bird: no ump: FOWL BALL bird: they can't even tell that- ump: WITH A "W"
26.
"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?" 384 my liege "Ok, round them up" 400 my liege
27.
Remember to check ur kids' candy on halloween, i found a razor in my daughter's M&Ms this morning
28.
*knock on door* “Sir have you found Jesus?” Uh, no. Goodbye. *shuts door* *Jesus steps out from behind door with gun* Good answer
29.
i hav cat-like reflexes "prove it" *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat
30.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he's dead he's a great Wife: I swear to God I'll divorce you Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
31.
Why do we call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
32.
*twins come out holding beer bongs* Oh they're fraternal.
33.
The first rule of Hobbit Club is there's no tolkien about The Hobbit Club.
34.
[spelling bee] Your word is 'condescending' "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course I can. Can YOU?
35.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign
36.
[Blackstreet Bakery] Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] "I love the way you work it" Baker: "No diggity?" Me: "Baguette up."
37.
What's a chiropractor's busiest day? Throwback Thursday LOL I am going to die alone