Who Would You Want To Narrate Your Life?

I won't judge you if you say Morgan Freeman. After all, he is God.

Having recently re-entered the dating world, I am surrounded by ice-breaker questions on platforms like Bumble and Tinder. One woman asked me, "If you had the option to have anyone narrate your life, living or dead, who would you choose?"

While thinking about my choice, she said that she would pick Bob Ross.

Bob Ross' The Joy of Painting Re-Mixed by MelodySheep for PBS Digital Studios (2012) / Via youtube.com

There's no doubt that he is calming with his happy little clouds and happy little trees. However, him telling you to "beat the brush" and "make love to the canvas" is just too much for me. Remember, he would be narrating your entire life!

I asked around as I thought about my choice. It's probably no surprise that my Mom chose Dame Maggie Smith given her obsession with Downton Abbey...

Dame Maggie Smith Offers Etiquette Tips in Downton Abbey / Via youtube.com

...Or that my Dad chose Mel Blanc, The Man of 1,000 Voices, given his obsession with The Looney Toons.

Mel Blanc Is Everyone For David Letterman (1981) / Via youtube.com

However, I had to laugh that my little brother was torn between Angela Lansbury...

Angela Lansbury in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1983) / Via youtube.com

...and Patrick Warburton.

Patrick Warburton Prank Calls in The Tick (2001) / Via youtube.com

Where my best friend and former Los Angeles roommate chose Campbell Scott...

Campbell Scott's Interview with Air America (2008) / Via youtube.com

...my childhood friend from church camp chose Gilbert Gottfried. How NSFW of him!

Gilbert Gottfried Reading Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) / Via youtube.com

But seriously, this is not safe for work. Erotic...but wrong.

In an interesting twist, my ex-girlfriend from high school decided on Julie Andrews.

Julie Andrews' New Show on Netflix with The Muppets / Via youtube.com

Is it just me, or is it odd that both my Mom and my ex identify with classically trained British female actresses?

My friends and family created a whimsical list for me, including: David Attenborough, Zach Braff, Tracy Chapman, Sean Connery, Judi Dench, Tina Fey, Whoopi Goldberg, Garrison Keillor, Marcelle Marceau (my friend thought he was being funny), Leonard Nimoy, Ving Rhames, Don Rickles, Emma Thompson, and Christopher Walken. But none of those seemed to fit me.

So, when it came to choosing for myself, I thought of actors who had versatility...

Kevin Spacey's Impressions on Inside The Actor's Studio (2000) / Via youtube.com

...actors who could throw an eloquent tantrum and still be seen as mature...

Philip Seymour Hoffman's Tirade in Charlie Wilson's War (2007) / Via youtube.com

Also, NSFW.

...and actors who embody the emotional and intellectual intensities that I hold dear.

J.K. Simmons' Tempo in Whiplash (2014) / Via youtube.com

Also NSFW. (I'm sensing a theme).

Then it hit me!

RUINEDCHILDHOOD.COM / Via giphy.com

While most people think of his impressions, stand-up, and humor,...

Robin Williams as Barbra Streisand in Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) / Via youtube.com

...Robin Williams' ability to create impassioned pleas, methodical arguments,...

Robin Williams' Defense from Patch Adams (1998) / Via youtube.com

...and beautiful speeches made him my first choice!

Robin Williams' Graduation Speech from Jack (1996) / Via youtube.com

That said, Morgan Freeman was cited more than anyone else as the preferred narrator in my network.

Morgan Freeman Reflects in The Shawshank Redemption (1994) / Via youtube.com

I mean, can you blame them?

ELLIPSESSAM.TUMBLR.COM / Via gph.is