Having never read Fifty Shades of Grey — the first installment of E.L. James' international best-selling book trilogy that began as Twilight fanfic — all I knew going in to see the film adaptation were the broad strokes: Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), a mousy college student, gets caught up in a whirlwind BDSM love affair with the withholding but crazy-sexy Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).
So, naturally, when I sat down to screen the movie I had a lot of thoughts — 141 to be exact.
Warning: Major spoilers for Fifty Shades of Grey lie, bound and gagged, ahead.
1. Is this Annie Lennox singing "I Put A Spell On You"? *waits* Yep! Bless this queen.
2. Oh, this takes place in Seattle?
3. Is that because of Twilight?
4. All of Christian's ties are grey. Subtle.
5. I need a chauffeur.
6. Look at how different Christian and Anastasia are: He has a valet, she has a beaten-down jalopy.
7. Anastasia lives in Anthropologie.
8. Is Anastasia kissing her sick friend on the forehead supposed to imply she's liberal with her lips?
9. Only in movies are you always able to find parking directly in front of your destination.
10. Oh, and you never have to lock your car.
11. All of Christian's assistants look like Jaime King, but none of them are Jaime King.
12. I wonder if Jaime King is mad she didn't get a call about this movie?
13. Or that they filled it with Jaime King clones?
14. Annnnnnnd Anastasia fell down.
15. Good thing walking into rooms has effects on your 4.0 GPA.
16. Oh, Steele and Grey. I get it.
17. You don't need a pencil right now, Anastasia.
18. This interview is more awkward than the time Sarah Palin told Katie Couric she reads "all" the newspapers.
19. She has not used that pencil once.
20. Except to draw attention to her mouth.
21. Oh my god, Anastasia Steele loves Clueless, you guys!
22. Oh good, another reporter who will — eventually — sleep with the person they're sent to interview.
23. People are really gonna get the wrong idea about what reporters are willing to do.
24. Is Anastasia getting literally wet in the rain after meeting Christian a metaphor?
25. Or maybe Mother Nature was like, "Here, you need to cool down."
26. Anastasia's roommate, Kate (Eloise Mumford), looks like a lion.
27. I don't know about you, but after I have a meet-cute, I too like to make a chicken salad sandwich.
28. What are we supposed to take away from the fact that Anastasia let her roommate steal that sandwich? That she's passive? That Kate's a bitch? Both?
29. She would work at a hardware store.
30. Does Anastasia still use a flip phone so we know she's poor?
31. How long has Christian been creepily waiting in that aisle for Anastasia to walk by? Twenty minutes?
32. Just cut to the chase and ask for the bondage section, Christian.
33. A masking tape connoisseur? Kill me now.
34. Christian doesn't smile. He's like Kanye.
35. Geez, Christian ran from the possibility of romance faster than Leonardo DiCaprio.
36. OMG, we get it: Anastasia is passive. Now let the girl put her own lip gloss on for fuck's sake.
37. Another movie where a woman is gifted a first edition of a book? How even?!
38. OK, this drunk phone call is the first time I've liked Anastasia.
39. Whoa, Jose (Victor Rasuk) went from hero to attempted rapist pretty quickly.
40. "I will launder this item." Drunk Anastasia is the best thing about this movie.
41. And then Jamie Dornan took his shirt off. *fans self*
42. AND THEN HE BIT THE TOAST. Why was that the sexiest damn thing I've ever seen?
43. "My tastes are very singular." That meme has ruined this line for me.
44. Homegirl orgasms every time Christian touches her face.
45. Is Anastasia's lip-biting a nod to Kristen Stewart?
46. Did he say, "Laters, baby?!?"
47. I too like to price out paint cans while fantasizing about the man I vomited on the night before.
48. Jesus. Jamie Dornan is wearing the fuck out of that navy suit.
49. Also, cool helicopter.
50. Why does this feel like the millionth Ellie Goulding song I've heard in this movie?
51. Nice harness homage with that seatbelt fastening.
52. So. Many. Elevators.
53. OMG, do whatever he wants, Anastasia. This apartment is everything.
54. "Do you play?" she asked of the piano in the apartment he shares with no one.
55. Nothing says "fun first date" like signing a nondisclosure agreement.
56. "I don't make love. I fuck. Hard." Bye.
57. Here we go! Playroom time!
58. "Xbox and stuff?" Ha!
59. Anastasia is way too damn calm about this sex room.
60. Although I guess it's better than his playroom being filled with all his Broadway Playbills, framed and hung in chronological order.
61. One time, a date insisted we listen to the soundtrack from Carousel while making out and I had to excuse myself from his life.
62. You too can have this bedroom on weekends if you let me smack you around.
63. Anastasia is a virgin?
64. If she's also a terrible driver, then she is literally living her life according to Cher Horowitz.
65. Bella Swanowitz.
66. Yup. She has an orgasm every time he touches her.
67. Whoa. What is that stuff on his chest?
68. I spent a lot of time looking at shirtless photos of Jamie Dornan. How have I never noticed that before?
69. Safety first! Use a condom, kids.
70. Cool sex reflection skylight, Christian.
71. So Christian is giving Anastasia the boyfriend experience in order to slowly lead her into the world of BDSM?
72. These two are fairly surprised every time their loud music wakes the other one up.
73. Quick tip: Stop playing music while other people are sleeping if you'd like to be left alone.
74. Man, Anastasia drinks out of a lot of bowls.
75. Do all hot men take their shirts off by grabbing the material at the base of their neck?
76. And is there a hot man class where men are taught the best way to flex their biceps while stripping?
77. I bet Christian wraps an amazing Christmas present.
78. Oh, that's a full bush.
79. No matter how cool the car, driving home after a helicopter flight is a pretty steep downgrade.
80. Why is Anastasia wearing all these weird Genie-like flats?
81. "I never took anyone else in the helicopter, never had sex in my own bed, never slept next to anyone else." Man, those other 15 women were missing the fuck out.
82. "You look different." CAN SHE LIVE, KATE?
83. OK, since Christian just dropped Anastasia off, I feel like he's sending these emails while driving and that's dangerous.
84. Whoa, wait. He just showed up in her apartment and she doesn't ask, "How did you get in here?"
85. We're just moving past this?
86. We're not focusing on the fact he's in her apartment?
88. Call the police!
89. Or, have sex with him, apparently.
90. Is she still wearing her sports bra?
91. So she's super sweaty from exercising and he's just licking her?
92. SMH, straight people.
93. Oh, OK — those scars on his chest are a plot point. I feel better.
94. "What's a buttplug?" would have definitely been a better tagline for this movie than "Curious?"
95. Why make a show of having people bring sushi to this meeting if you're not going to eat the sushi?
96. Anastasia's dad is a Cylon!
97. "Let me tell you about the time I was malnourished." Cool speech, Christian.
98. They're drinking out of weird cup/bowls again. What metaphor am I missing?
99. "Christian, that's a car." This script, bruh.
100. Just like a man to spank you and bail.
101. Wait, Christian has given Anastasia ancient books, a new computer, and a new car — and she's still got this flip phone?
102. Hook the girl up with a data plan for crying out loud.
103. Ew. Why does Anastasia say "Momma"?
104. HAHAHA, her roommate's all, "Christian gave you a car? I picked the wrong brother."
105. I would die if that photo of me ran in a newspaper. DIE.
106."I have singular tastes." *French braids her hair for seven hours*
107. Oh damn. The vocals on this Beyoncé track kicked in the second Christian whipped her with that riding crop.
108. Bey did that on purpose.
110. Hi, penis.
111. Nothing like a family dinner after a day of light bondage.
112. "Don't mind me, I'm just going to finger you in front of my parents."
113. That's it? Rita Ora was in this movie for 45 seconds.
115. Pacey's brother is playing Anastasia's stepdad? I am not ready for the guys I crushed on as a child to be playing the old people in movies.
116. Why did you just offer up the fact you were having dinner with a friend?
117. You ARE terrible at relationships, Christian.
118. Only provide answers to questions you are asked.
119. Is it that the costume designer on this movie is absolutely amazing or that Jamie Dornan just looks like sex in everything he wears?
120. Oh god, this plane ride is my idea of a nightmare.
121. The plane is a metaphor.
122. A metaphor for letting go of control.
123. And his penis.
124. Quick favor: Can we see Taylor (Max Martini) shirtless at some point in a sequel? Thanks.
125. Oh no, Christian is overly emotional.
126. I'm afraid he's going to let his emotions get the best of him in the Red Room and Anastasia will get hurt….
127. Oh my god, these low-rise jeans he's wearing are my new religion.
128. All hail Jamie Dornan's V-lines.
129. A peacock feather? Is this what passes for kink these days? Yawn.
130. Christian. We know. You like to play piano in the moonlight FFS!
131. "I'm 50 shades of fucked up." We get it, dude. Really we do.
132. Oh no. I am very nervous about this punishment scene.
133. Nope. Don't like.
134. OH MY GOD. A woman in this theater just screamed out, "Christian! Stop!"
135. Clearly a book reader.
136. And now everything's sad.
137. And Anastasia is leaving.
138. Wait. When did she bring this computer to Christian's house in order to be returning it right now?
139. Whoa. Wait. The movie's over?
141. See you for the sequel, I guess?