10 Things You Didn't Know About America's First Ladies

These facts exist exclusively in my fever dreams.

1.

Martha Washington:

Dental voodoo-- every time George won a battle, one of his teeth rotted out. Just kidding, she'd knock him out and remove his molars in the night, and forged the teeth into small figurines that retain no national significance today. What a woman!

2.

Abigail Adams:

Actually a bird. But still an inspiration. Mostly a bird, though. Don't you miss the days where slipping your portraitist a bill with your husband's face on it could completely revise history?

3.

Dolley Madison

You heard it here first: The Battle of Fort McHenry was won by laser, James Madison was forced to propose under threat of laser, and that White House Fire? Suffice it to say the blame was mislaid.

4.

Mary Todd Lincoln

Misunderstood the rules of democracy and monarchy and upgraded John Wilkes Booth's seats in the theater, hoping to be president herself. Did not work out.

5.

Helen Taft:

A mirage. A trick of the light. Have you SEEN President Taft? No amount of power would have made physical contact worth it.

6.

Eleanor Roosevelt:

Unapologetic Hootie fan. Rucker and Roosevelt International Tour 2014 pending.

7.

Jackie Kennedy

Half beautiful woman empowerment, half Versace business casual wax doll. Her dad was an old candle!

8.

Nancy Reagan:

Improved American education by hooking them on meth after the red suits started leaking into her skull.

9.

Hillary Clinton:

Not yet the first American female president, but was the first American female goddess of the underworld.

10.

Michelle Obama:

Turns out ruling with a fleshy green fist of justice is more effective than an iron one.